Thursday, December 30, 2010

Happy 2011!!!




I started writing this blog to share my experiences with diabetes, to share the company I had started, Meal Mommy, and to share my life in general. I love to write. I find it very therapeutic. I find it to be an outlet. I find that I like to be honest and raw. I don't like the fluff...it's not for me. I am who I am and I am not ashamed of it. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I wear them proudly. As I have said before, I am an open book and what you see is what you get. But this blog has turned out to be a little more intimate than I had expected and I honestly didn't think a soul was reading it. I thought the only people that might even click on it were friends in the DOC. And I have gotten so much support from them, it's unreal. And nothing has ever been said in here that has not been shared with my loved ones.

Over the last month or so I have gotten countless emails from old friends to friends that I have yet to meet, all being supportive and somehow relating to something that I have written. It has been both wonderful and inspiring to hear from these people. Most appreciate the honesty. Some think I am too honest and that I share too much information for the world to see. I don't share every thought, I promise you. MANY thoughts are left for me and me alone. Many memories are sacred. To me, this is a general idea of what I am going through and how I am feeling.

I don't know what kind of perception people are getting from me...strong or weak, rational or irrational, level-headed or head in the clouds, stable or unstable. Well, let me clarify...I am strong, I am rational, my head is firmly on my shoulders where it always remains to be and I am probably the most stable person you will ever come across. I am certain of who I am and what I stand for. I am certain of the choices I am making and I am making them with my family's best interests at heart. I am not afraid to be alone or to do things on my own. I do not need anyone to take care of me financially or otherwise. I will remain to be optimistic and positive and I will remain to give love a chance...at whatever point in my life I am in. I am a very well-educated, ambitious, intelligent, and independent woman...who can think for herself. What I write on here are merely obstacles I am facing in my life that I have chosen to share. They are ways that I wish to grow as a person in general. That's all.

With all of that said, I have left myself open to be judged by my candidness. And that is never fun. So, I think I am going to tone down the blog in the New Year...and if you are uncomfortable reading about my thoughts...don't read them.

Speaking of New Year's, I plan on spending New Year's Eve with my beautiful sister at the neighborhood bar listening to the drag queens sing Karaoke. Now there is NOTHING vanilla about that! Happy New Year!

My Resolutions for 2011

1. Have more "floor time" with the girls
2. Learn to go at a slower pace

3. Get back to my healthier eating habits
4. Get Lily's numbers back on track
5. Get my ass back in the gym...was always a passion and never a chore

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Damn Rain...

It's raining outside. And not the pretty, relaxing, lay in bed kind of rain. The dark, gloomy, uncertain kind of rain. I hate it. I have this HUGE window in my office so I can't even escape it today. And I can't escape my thoughts either. The damn rain.

The girls got home at 6:30. Eric's girlfriend was texting me throughout the trip to let me know their whereabouts. When the dogs started barking, I ran around to the front door and saw the top of a brown head of hair through the window. I opened the door and threw my arms around Lilyboo. She was so soft and squishy and squeezable. That moment, when I first put my arms around her, were priceless...there are no words for what a mommy feels at that moment. Abby was still in the car. I ran outside to get her and she, of course, flew from the driver's seat and was airborne into my arms. She is so tiny, I could wrap my arms around her four times! I always bury my face in Abby's red hair. I just love it. I was so excited to see them! So excited...

So, we ate dinner, snuggled up on the couch and watched cartoons. Then, they crawled into my bed and slept with me throughout the night. I was up at 11, 2, and 4 checking Lily's numbers. I am exhausted today but still on my reunion high. Lily's numbers are not in control at all. I am so worried about her being so high this past week. What if it is doing damage to her little organs? Her beautiful brown eyes? Ugh...I can't go there. I can't even bring my mind there. I fight every second of every day to NOT go there. So much of what I do everyday, things I obsess over, are a method of forgetting...trying to quiet the music that diabetes is...just for a minute even. When you see someone like me on the outside, all looks well. I am very put together, I am smiling, and I am at ease. Some of the time though, like today, I am fighting myself...fighting my thoughts that are battling in my head...over and over and over again. I could have stayed in bed this morning squished between my two babies all day long. Just feeling their little bodies next to me and hearing their breathing. It is so calming.



And to top it all off...I have not been on my best behavior in the romantic area...again. Thank God I have the most patient man in my life. What started off as a friendship rekindled, an outsider giving me advice on how to cope, turned into something much more and very unexpected. And it has been hard and will continue to be hard but it's worth the struggle in the end. He is teaching me so much.

I am trying to learn more control. I don't mean control as in controlling others...I have that down pretty damn good. LOL. I mean control of myself. As my boyfriend always says, I know what I want and I go for it...a lot of times without thinking first. And I go for it with such strength and passion that it can be overwhelming at times. So, today, I am trying to gain control of my thoughts and my emotions. I am trying to learn to be patient, to not worry so much, and to not try SO hard to see the future. I am trying to figure out how to just let things happen...let life happen and see where it takes me...and us. I am on auto-pilot most of the time and I need to learn to go into manual drive. Trying to slow things down...in my life...is like putting me in restraints. I need to flail and complain and freak out before I can actually breathe and relax. Ahhhhh. I am learning so much from the people in my life right now and I so appreciate it.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Good Golly the Girls are Coming!!!!

I don't think I've been this excited since I was little and believed in Santa Claus! My babies are on their way home! I cannot wait to put my arms around their little bodies and smother them with kisses. They might just have to sleep with me tonight so I can just eat up every second with them. Big sigh....this is the longest time I have ever spent without them. One whole week...7 days...168 hours...that is too friggin long! I need to breathe. I am just sooooo excited!

A love for your child is such a different kind of love. They consume me. They are my every waking thought. They are the reason for every tiny decision I make daily. They make you humble yet confident, powerless yet strong...it is such a different kind of love from that of a romantic love. I become both a ball of mush when I look at them and a fierce lioness when I want to protect them. Well, I guess maybe that is somewhat the same as any kind of love?!? I definitely feel that way with my "other" as well.

I am anxious to see how Lily's numbers have been too. I have been in touch with them throughout the week but it has been very hectic to talk with the girls or Eric. They are having a blast at his girlfriend's parents' farm. They have had tons of outside time and done nothing but play. I am so happy they were able to go. Otherwise, they would be here sitting around with a sitter while I am at work...and well, that's just no fun at all. And the little break I got allowed me time to spend with the boyfriend and we were able to figure some things out, make plans, get organized, etc. So, as usual, life worked out the way it was supposed to.

So, I can barely sit in my chair and I have work to do! I wonder how far along they are in their drive? I wonder what time they'll be home? I wonder how long I will stare out the front window waiting to see their car? I wonder how long they will let me hug them before they make a bee line for their toys? :)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Love is a funny thing...

Life is a funny thing. We spend so much time wondering WHY things happen? It seems so important to find meaning in every event we go through. Is there really meaning behind all that happens though? Why ask why? Why not just accept that things have happened and move on? Is that possible? Why did I end up single? Why did Lily get diabetes? Why can't someone let someone else go? Why didn't I notice my boyfriend so many years ago in high school? And why was he brought back in to my life now? Why???

I was telling him this weekend that I just don't get why a harder path is always chosen? It seems like the easy way of doing things is just not appealing. I can remember telling Eric that my boyfriend lived in Arizona. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He said, "Why would you pick someone who doesn't live here? Why are you making it so hard on yourself?" Well, I still have no answer. I have no answer other than it feels right. More right than anything. Does that make it any easier? No, it does not. In fact, it gets harder and harder to leave with every visit.

So, I find myself asking, is this meant to be? Do we uproot our lives we know for each other so we can be together? Only time will tell. And I am not a patient person so this has been a struggle for me. I am an agressor. I do things at lightning speeds. I have the rare ability of having a feeling or thought, completely trusting in that feeling or thought, and running with it...without looking back. And I have no regrets. I can't change things so what is the point of regretting them?

I know heartbreak well. I have experienced this several times in my life. It is a process: 1) ball your eyes out until they don't open. 2) be in denial 3) mourn the relationship for a couple of weeks 4) get off of your ass and get your life back. My stepmom told me 2 weeks is really the maximum amount of time to mourn something and have your pity party. Otherwise, it is too hard to pick up the pieces. Too much time has gone by. So, after my first heartbreak in college at 19, I took her advice. I moved on. My boyfriend at the time did not treat me well and was unfaithful. I allowed him back in my life several times over the next few years. And guess what...he broke my heart again each time. Why? Because I let him. I had no self-esteem, no confidence, and did not know my self-worth. But now, as a grown woman and mother...I am strong...I am confident...I am unafraid...and I know what I am worth. So, I am more protective of myself and my children. I think that repairing a betrayal of yourself is far much worse than repairing the end of a relationship. If things don't go as planned in my life, I will add another patch to my quilt and I will start living again.

So, that leaves me where I am today. My heart is full, my heart is strong, my heart is in the right place. But only time will tell where life is going to take my heart...and whether or not it will be in one piece when I get there.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas...

It has been a bit of a bittersweet Christmas. I spent the holiday in AZ with the boyfriend which was great...it was our first Christmas together and we are having a great time, enjoying each other's company. We put the tree up together, made Christmas dinner, saw a movie, hung out with friends, etc, etc.


The girls spent Christmas in Oklahoma with Eric and his girlfriend and her daughter. I got to speak to them this morning and they are having the time of their lives. I was SO happy to hear this but GOD do I miss them. I guess this is the hard part...not having them every holiday. I had assumed since the girls are Jewish that I would always get Christmas but I guess that's not the case. Next year...there is always next year.

Lily is still doing her shots. We had to switch from the pen to the needles. She was not getting enough insulin and her numbers were really high. I would love to hear any ideas/suggestions on the Novopen Jr. That is what we were using and it doesn't appear to be working. When we give her insulin, there is some left on her skin so I am wondering if we got a faulty pen?!? The good news is that she is still referring to the shots as her "break" until her arms heal. So she hasn't yet started to try to get out of going back to the pump.

So I guess I should get back to my last night in AZ. I sure do enjoy my "alone time" but I miss my babies!!!

Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa was as good to you as he was to me! :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Refresher...

Well, I put Lily back on shots on Saturday AM after much deliberation. I lay in bed with her Friday night as she softly cried on my chest and told me she is tired of her pump and wants a break. She doesn't want to wear it on her tummy...it is uncomfortable and a constant reminder. She likes it on her arm, where her t shirts cover it. She was never concerned with her pump before or what people thought. She has had this for almost three years.

So, after she finally fell asleep, I lay staring at my ceiling for a really long time, putting myself in her little shoes. What must it be like to wear a machine every single second of your life...and have no control over any of your decisions...have no one listen to what it is that YOU are asking for. I kept thinking about the battles we have had this year with her diabetes gadgets. How she has actually been pretty patient waiting for us to come around and realize that she is just needing some time. I don't know why I had it so stuck in my head that she would not be okay on MDI (shots). She is still getting insulin. We can still treat her as if she is on a pump. She may get 10 shots a day but if it doesn't bother her right now, why should it bother me?

So, Saturday morning...at 6 AM...she woke me up and said, "Mommy can I look on your computer and see what those insulin pens look like?" I dragged my very tired self out of bed and showed her the sample pen the doc had given me on Friday and we looked up the Novopen Jr. She was really excited. So, I called Eric and we discussed it and that was it...I took her Pod off and gave her Lantus and Novolog. She didn't flinch, said it didn't hurt at all, and she was feeling very free to have her little body free of any machines stuck to her. What a feeling that must be! She has had something stuck in her skin permanently since March of 2008. Holy shit....that is a LONG time and she is only 7 so until there is a cure for diabetes...she is going to be stuck sticking herself regardless. A break will not kill her. It will not kill me. It will not kill Eric.

The only way I can explain the guilt you feel for giving up something that is "better" for your child in the long run is the same feeling as breastfeeding. When I quit breastfeeding, I was depressed from guilt for a couple of weeks. I felt like I was doing something very detrimental to my girls. And they were fine. And one still got diabetes. It's just the way of the world.

Now, the routine has changed A LOT. Lily is a happy little camper going on about her life...even wore a very short sleeved shirt on Sunday. I, on the other hand, have been a frenzied mess! I got to breakfast Saturday morning with no meter, but did have my entire packet the hospital gave me upon diagnosis. I couldn't remember the formulas for her insulin and I was used to having her pump act as her meter. I then got to lunch with no test strips. The list goes on and on and on. I put the wrong needle on the end of the new Novopen Jr. and dropped her off at Eric's. She was in the high 300's all day and was not getting insulin. He kept calling to tell me insulin was leaking. I kept telling him to go to the pharmacist and get a new pen! So, it was discovered there that there are TWO different kinds of needles for the pens (Lantus and Novolog). Who the hell knew? Not me...so, we will get it all straight. Her numbers will get in control...life will go on. It's just another day in the life with my precious little baby.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Vanilla Life...

I was so thankful this morning when I logged on to my computer and saw messages from fellow D parents and PWDs all offering advice on Lily. I have been in a little rut again the last couple of days. It is hard to deal with all of the emotions going on in my life right now and if it's hard for me, I'm sure it's triple as hard for the girls. I really started this day out moping yet again and after reading everyone's messages...was immediately uplifted by this community of online families living with diabetes (aka the DOC).

I keep going back to feeling like I don't have much of a support system in place anymore. I always have my family for sure. And I have Carolyn (also divorced) but she is in Europe. And Matt is always there...but not HERE. So, while I have been down this week, I have noticed that I don't have a huge list of people that I WANT to call. I have become so much more guarded in the last few months with all that took place amongst my group of former friends. I am constanly reminded of the "vanilla life" I led for so many years. These women with no flavor. Sure they had great lives...great husbands who made a ton of money, big beautiful homes, 2.5 kids, the finest china, all of the latest trends, the ability to stay home...the perfect existence...in their eyes. But I was not happy. I am not a "vanilla" person. I have realized that it wasn't just my marriage that was making me unhappy but my surroundings as well. I have never needed a 5000 sf house since I much prefer something cozy and intimate. I enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner on paper plates every now and then with a huge group of people. I don't find anything wrong with throwing a party and using plastic plates. I don't feel the need to be prim and proper at any given time of day. And damnit...I drank beer from a bottle in my wedding dress, on my wedding day and that is OKAY. I have a horrible habit of cursing and sometimes I put my elbows on the table. I tend to laugh really loud and get the giggles where I cannot breathe, especially if my sister is anywhere near me. I have a wild side...one that has been sleeping for years and has slowly been awakened. I am not as conservative as I have spent years pretending to be. I am full of all kinds of flavors...vanilla may be one of those with some more traditional values...but it is not the only one.

As much as I love throwing on a dress and stilettos to have a nice dinner out on the town at the newest restaurant...my favorite night I have had all year is when my boyfriend made me the best steak and baked potato dinner and we ate on TV trays and watched "The Hangover." It was MY perfect existence.

So, in this upcoming year, I plan to FINALLY listen to my father and choose my friends rather than them choosing me. I may have a small support system right now in Houston but it consists of people that know ME and love ME...not who they want me to be.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Frustration...

Yesterday was a tough day. I was exhausted. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, weird dreams, BG checks all night, a sassy 5 year old, eating too many sweets, having a very persistent cold, etc. I could go on and on. I was in a mood and I was totally looking forward to having a night to myself. I didn't want to be bothered. I left work, went home, started dinner, put on my jammies, and poured myself a glass of wine. I ate dinner in silence and rented "Eat, Pray, Love." I figured this was appropriate given my newly single status.

So, I finished my meal and curled up in a ball on the couch to listen to Julia Roberts meditate and fly around the world trying to find herself. On a side note, I didn't connect with her character since I hate meditation and think it's for the birds...does NOT fit into my hyper personality. Anyway, I was thorougly relaxed and enjoying myself when I got the call from H ELL from my ex. Lily had torn off not one, but FOUR pods at this point. She was NOT going to change site locations and she was hysterical. My ex was frustrated beyond belief. My night was slowly crumbling. He needed insulin.

So, at 8:30, I got up, got dressed, and drove insulin to his house. Lily was in hysterics. He had finally succumbed and put the pod back on her arm in the spot she likes. You see, Lily has become a warrior fighting against diabetes and all that present it. This year has been a full blown disaster with technology. She decided about two months ago that she would ONLY wear the pod on her arms and in ONE spot. She now has a rash on each arm that can't quite heal since there is always a pod sticking to it and insulin being administered into it. The skin is retaliating as is the absorption of the insulin. I said good night, hugged my kids, and went home to finish my movie.

I crawled into bed at 10:30 and drifted to sleep. I was rudely awakened at 12:00 AM by my ex calling...Lily had ripped off two more pods and now had ketones. Everyone was hysterical at this point. He finally got a pod back on her arm and we all went to sleep.

So, now I am struggling with whether or not to let Lily take a break from her pump so she can see how hard shots really are...she can experience having 7-8 shots a day, not grazing, not having playdates without me, no more sleepovers at Aunt Kristine's house, etc. She seems to think the grass is greener and maybe she needs to recognize it isn't. I'm just not sure. And...this is one of those times to not judge...we have tried grounding her, talking to her, reasoning with her, bribing her, taking things away, giving things to her, paying her, threatening her, etc. She is relentless. I know the simple response is, "she doesn't have a choice, make her wear it." WOW! I never thought about that (sarcasm folks)! We are at a loss here. Diabetes just plain sucks...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Pod Change...

As you all know, this has been a rough D year for little Lilyboo. It all started with her nemesis...Dex. She hated Dex with every little part of her body. Lily wears the Omnipod and therefore, is not used to having to carry anything around with her or having to wear a fanny pack. The cool fanny packs we bought (yes, I said cool), even the custom made with photos of her and Scooter, did nothing. She simply hates Dex. And after multiple attempts, multiple drownings of Dex (my fault) and several hours/dollars of therapy...I caved. Dex is on hiatus. Lily no longer wakes every morning horribly depressed, saying she wishes she was dead, that she hates herself, or that she hates diabetes.

In true Lily form though, she has now moved on to wanting to control her site location. Based on the advice from both the endo and the therapist, we have let her choose and alternate just between her arms. Well, that turned into not just arms but ONE spot on each arm. As a result, Lily now has a pretty bad rash in that ONE spot on each arm. And it's pod change day. So, her daddy convinced her to try a new spot on her arms. It was either this or the tummy. She chose the arms again so here is to hoping that there is no fit tonight when it's time for the change.

It's so hard as a parent to figure out when to let your children make necessary choices. It's a VERY fine line with diabetes management because it is not optional and there is not much room for error. As an adult, I feel like I have no control over the disease so I can only imagine how out of control Lily feels. I can take a break when she's at school, etc. Lily can't ever have a break. And I want her to be a good decision maker and think things through. I want her to understand that her body is a vehicle to get her through this life. Hers, although in mint condition, is not perfect and she has to really maintain it to keep it healthy. So, I have struggled a lot this year with having to make the choice of what choices Lily gets to make. So far, so good, but I am just sitting back and waiting for the storm to come again. And that's not fun.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

No Judgement Here...

As I was driving the kids to school this morning, I was lost in lala land watching everyone else around me. There was a woman in front of me that was having trouble driving because she was applying mascara. When I got to the school, cars were everywhere with moms trying to get their kids out safely and into their classrooms. I started thinking about all of these people and what is going on behind their smiles.

I have been looking at moving to the burbs. The burbs is no big deal to some folks around the US. For some reason, in Houston, the burbs are like moving to Canada...as far as distance goes. You either live inside the loop and are a cool, city person, or you live outside the loop and you are not so cool anymore...live in the burbs and you have sold your soul to become a Stepford Wife.So, I have been thinking about how judgemental people can be and wondering if they will be as judgemental in my new neighborhood as they were in my old. And I have been judgemental in my time as well...I can remember my pre-kids life and seeing families at restaurants with their kids talking loudly and sitting up on their knees. I remember saying to friends that I would NEVER let my kids behave that way in public...well, that is just a hysterical statement to make. Now that I have kids, I totally get it. I was also much more opinionated and judgemental prior to Lily's diagnosis. A chronic illness in your family can definitely bring you down to Earth. People will judge you on how you raise your kids, what you feed them, how you handle diabetes, etc...because they KNOW, they GET IT. Yeah, right...but okay, you say so.

And then with my divorce. Wow, so many casualties there. People are VERY quick to judge why the marriage failed, who is at fault, what they would have done differently...etc. I guess it's human nature..unless you have been through these types of traumatic things.

So, I'm driving this morning and I see a dad with his little girl and he is smiling and carrying her into school. From the outside, they look so content and happy. One might wonder why he isn't in work clothes, why he is carrying his daughter into class when she is no longer a toddler, why they are late, etc. Well, I know, that particular family just lost their 2 year old son to complications from a benign brain tumor...a week ago.

One might wonder why the couple sitting at the bar a few weeks ago were cuddling and holding hands and showing lots of affection in public. Some bad looks may even be thrown their way. Well, maybe it's because they hadn't seen each other in years and don't see each other often.

One might wonder why a 7 year old little girl is crying and throwing a fit at her first basketball game and refusing to play. Some make comments about why that mother would MAKE her child do this...well, they don't know that the little girl is diabetic and has a blood sugar over 400 which brings out the monster.

So, I am writing this today to remind anyone who reads this damn thing to NOT be so quick to judge. You have no idea what is going behind those sometimes forced smiles. For all you know, the two kids that are acting like hellions are the product of a newly single mom who is dealing with A LOT behind closed doors in the form of divorce, diabetes, etc.

Friday, December 10, 2010

A little Peek...

Lily started playing basketball. She wanted to play football but I dropped the ball and we missed the registration so she is now a Laker. And it's pretty damn cute. She made tons of baskets at practice last night and even did a few little victory dances after!

I checked her BG when we got there and she was 288. I figured she'd be a bit high since I let her have her very first candy bar (Twix). See earlier post about my latest eating habits and I blame Matt for this craving since he was eating one while we were talking yesterday.

Anyway, she had an hour long practice and boy, did she practice. She was all over the place and didn't stop moving for pretty much 60 minutes. I checked her afterwards and she was 133. Exercise does both a body good...and BG.

We went home, I made dinner (shrimp and pasta), and she ate every bite. At bed time, she was 99. I gave her a 1/4 cup of chocolate milk (6 grams) just to bring her up a bit. At 10:30 I checked again, as I always do before I crawl into bed. She was 83. WTH? So, I can only assume she was still dropping from the earlier exercise.

I woke her up...or sat her up I should say...and gave her a 20 gram Vanilla Milk. She swayed back and forth while sipping and kept trying to lie back down. I was holding her up and trying to follow her mouth and listen for swallows. She finished the milk and crashed.

At 2 AM, she was 289. Lovely. I chose not to give her insulin since we had the lower numbers earlier. She woke up at 6:30 with a BG of 177. A little high but could have been worse.

So, this was just a little peek into a "normal" sports practice for a little type 1. When I really sit down and think about it, I also don't remember much about life before D. I don't remember the feeling of just taking my daughter to a practice of anything and not running numbers in my head. So strange. On the positive side though, this has become second nature to me so even though mentally, I get drained, it's not too bad. I say that because going through all of these motions for Lily is what keeps her with me...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'm colder than normal...

I sit in my office every day freezing to death. Literally. My hands get so cold that I can hardly bend my fingers. It is getting colder outside finally here in H-Town but it is at least 10 degrees colder at my desk. I'm sure the building maintenance is tired of the phone calls. I am cold a lot but not as cold as I have been lately. I think this is because I am lacking in the fat area as of late.

I knew I had lost some weight in the last few months, which is expected I'm sure. I have done nothing but eat the past few weeks...and eat a lot of sweets, A LOT. I am going to become Fatty McFattykins for sure pretty soon if I don't snap out of this craziness. SO, I went to a diabetes playdate last night with some friends. We met up with some other D moms who all have little girls around the same age and we went bowling. When I walked in, a good friend of mine said, "Your face looks really thin. Wow, you are looking really, really thin." I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Eh...looks like me. I decided to order wings for dinner and make up for the lack of fat. I had a very healthy breakfast and lunch yesterday so why not splurge?

Then, I woke up this morning fully intending to have a healthy breakfast. Somehow, my conscience reminded me of the "really thin" comment and the car took me...on autopilot...to Shipley's Donuts. THREE donoughts later and I am not feeling so thin. Moral of the story? STOP telling me I look thin so I STOP eating so much crap! Help a lady out people...I am not 16 anymore.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A Love Letter of Sorts...

I have been in a such a bad place mentally lately and well, I finally snapped out of it! It's not me to walk around all mopey and have pity party after pity party...so I felt like getting all of the mushy lovies out of my system today!

Dear Girls:

You are the loves of my life. My sole purpose for breathing every day. You have held me together and torn me to part all in one day...but you never do anything but make me happy. I don't know how I lived without you for the first part of my life...I think that your little souls have been with me the whole time.

I will always remember and charish holding your little bodies next to me and listening to you breathe your little shallow breaths while you ate. You would stare up at me with these HUGE eyes just studying every part of my face.My favorite thing used to be watching you stretch. You would stick your little toes and fingers out as far as you could and open your little mouths as wide as they would go!

Lily, I will never forget the first time you stood in your crib. I came in your bedroom, tiptoeing, to see if you had awakened yet and as I opened the door...you were staring back at me with the biggest, goofiest grin on your little face! You were so proud. We clapped and squealed and spun in circles!

Abby, my favorite memory of you is when you found your favorite little thumb. Since day one you have held Piggy's right ear and sucked your left thumb. It was not even an inch long! You had your little head turned to the side while searching and gurgling until you found it and it was like automatic relaxation. Your breathing slowed down, you started purring, and you were out...lost to dream land!

You have made my life worth every second that I have been here. I hope that I am giving you the best childhood you could have ever hoped for! It is my dream as a mother, that you look back fondly  at growing up and that the positives outweigh the negatives. I hope I can show you how to be strong women and to go after what you want and not be afraid to walk away from what doesn't work. You both make me so proud and I love you to pieces!!!

Love,
Mommy

And to my boyfriend: my dad told me long ago that every bad relationship is a stepping stone to the right one. I believe him now. Thanks for waiting 19 years...you are such a special gift.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Special Sib of a D-Kid Day...one day late...

Alexis and Sherry started Special Sib of a D-Kid Day and I think it's such a great idea to highlight the brothers and sisters of those PWD. Our special little sib is Abby. Abby is five and a red-headed, crazy, wild, fun-loving, little ball of energy!

Abby loves her big sister. She also loves to pester, annoy, disturb, and just plain irritate her sister...to no end. This MIGHT be her favorite hobby. She looks up to Lily as well. She thinks what Lily says is accurate 100% of the time. She listens to Lily when she is trying to figure out how to piece something together and she goes to Lily to ask for help with her letters and sounds. She is understanding and accepting that Lily hates all things related to girls. When they play together, she is happy to play ball or sword fighting or the Wii. She tries her hardest to impress Lily with her skills and knowledge.

Abby is not diabetic. She has asked many, many times when she will get her diabetes. She has asked more times if she can get her "pop too" (check her blood sugar...just a pop and squeeze). She sees the attention that Lily gets from diabetes and she says things that she hopes Lily will find reassuring when Lily is having a bad D day. She tries to stay quiet and let Lily "have her moment" when her blood sugar is really high and she is acting irrational. She also wants to treat herself to whatever goodie Lily is having for her low. I, of course, oblige.

Abby was barely 2 years old when Lily was diagnosed so she has never really known Lily to NOT have this disease. I was blessed with this little bundle of joy. All of her teachers, parents of friends, and family agree that Abby is the happiest child they have ever run across. She is also the most flexible. Abby has no problem transitioning if things go awry. She is not the child that loses it if Plan A fell through at the last second. She is the child that says "Oh well, what now?" I need this in my life. She balances us. You can always look at Abby and see those big brown eyes, little freckles, and HUGE dimples staring back at you. She is always smiling...unless of course she is sleep-deprived. Sleep deprivation strangely turns Abby into a red-headed devil...just ask my boyfriend who had the pleasure of spending an entire sleep-deprived weekend with my children! Haha!  I have NO idea where she gets that from...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Long Night...

My ass is dragging. Literally. One, because I am exhausted from a bad D night. Two, because I have tackled and taken out every sweet this week that has been put in front of me...so my ass is literally dragging about two inches lower than usual since every dessert has attached itself there. Ugh.

So, last night....I am not sure if last night was brought on by yesterday or by last night. Confusing, right? It's diabetes and it has a mind of its own. Lily had her Thanksgiving Day luncheon at school yesterday only it wasn't during lunch, it was an hour and a half AFTER lunch...just for shits and giggles. So bolusing her for the luncheon was not easy nor was it fun. I didn't have the food in front of me since I was at work and no one could tell me the portion sizes so I did as much research as I could and estimated. Apparently, not well. She was over 300 in the afternoon and was at a playdate. I had her go ahead and correct herself. I then picked her up and we met another friend for Mexican food...not the wisest food choice but hey, I have yet to EVER turn down fajitas and a strawberry margarita so I had a selfish moment.

I bolused her for the amount of carbs I usually bolus her for and thought I did a good job...until I went to bed. She was 198 when I put her in bed at 8:30. I checked her at 11 and she was 356! UUUGHHHH. I bolused her a small amount to see if she'd come down and set the alarm for my usual 2 AM check.

At 2, she was 396. WTF? I checked ketones, .2 so I didn't think it was her pod at this point. I was damning myself for the stupid margarita. We should have had edamame or something glucose friendly. I had to give her insulin, which meant I had to get up again at 4 because I am too paranoid to give her insulin in the middle of the night and just go back to blissfully sleeping. At 4, she was 206. Phew. I stumbled back to my bed, climbed in, and laid there staring at the ceiling until 5:30. Oh. My. God. Once I fell asleep, the dog woke me up at 6:32 to pee. I threw in the towel, got out of bed, got coffee, and got my dragging ass in gear for work.

Sooooo tired. Just another day in the life! And I'm thankful there is another day...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Thankful Fors...

My favorite holiday EVER is Thanksgiving...given that I love to eat more than just about anything in the world. LOVE to eat. So, in honor of my favorite holiday, I am going to make a short list of things I am thankful for and I'm sure it will be random...

1. I am thankful for my job (and the perks of working at a diabetes center while having a T1 child)
2. I am thankful for unlimited text messages so I can communicate with the boyfriend all day
3. I am thankful for Skype for above reasons
4. I am thankful for Skin Tac (gets the Omnipod off of Lily)
5. I am SUPER thankful that I still get along with the ex and his family
6. I am thankful that Carolyn (my other significant other) is as crazy as I am
7. I am thankful that my sister lives near me and likes to drink wine as much as I do
8. I am thankful that it does not snow in Houston...therefore, no shoveling of driveways or scraping windshields.
9. I am thankful for a semi-fast metabolism and love of exercise since I like to eat so much
10. AND lastly but MOST importantly, I am thankful for the two best little girls anyone could ask for!!!

That's my list for this year...or this afternoon anyway.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Self Discovery...

This blog has taken a turn since my life took such a drastic turn. It seems to be a means of self discovery. I had a great life. Things changed. It happens. It doesn't mean I'm a different person. I am still the same old me...keyword "OLD" me. Meaning, I am who I started out to be. I was a fun-loving, beer drinking, semi laid back (other than the mild case of OCD), super romantic girl. I got married very young, to my standards, and life happened very quickly after that...we bought a house, we got pregnant, I started my Masters, I quit working, I got pregnant again, I finished my Masters, Lily was diagnosed with diabetes...all of a sudden, we were adults. Eric was working his ass off to make ends meet (at barely 30) while I was taking care of two babies and managing a disease I knew nothing about. We did it all the best we could. Neither of us was happy. We coexisted in a marriage for a very long time simply because we were too tired to make it better, too busy to stop and think about it, too unhappy with each other to really care about trying. And the funny thing is, people always think diabetes played a part in it. IT DID NOT.

Since then, we have recognized our faults, taken blame, assigned blame, almost killed each other, stayed close friends, all while still raising two little girls and starting new lives. We are both happier. We have both moved on.  No one understands how we could be married for 10 years and move on so quickly. Well, we are both pretty determined people, both Type A, and both hate to be in limbo (probably all things that contributed to the demise of our marriage).

I have since reconnected with a friend from high school that turned into a boyfriend. It wasn't supposed to, but it did...and it is a great thing. Even Eric likes him. My boyfriend came to the JDRF Walk with us the weekend before last and spent the whole morning with my entire family and most of Lily's friends. And it was comfortable to me. He seemed so comfortable. He wasn't even nervous. So sure of himself and us. Wow. I was impressed. I hope that my girls find that sort of comfort in themselves as they grow. I hope they meet someone that makes them feel like they can conquer the world.

So, I feel like I have been in a state of self discovery for months. My dad told me when I was in college and suffering from my first heartbreak that, "Every bad relationship is a stepping stone to the right one." I always believed him. I also believe that every relationship has TWO people in it so it is important to reflect on what you did to contribute to the end and learn from it. So, that is where I have been for awhile. I don't want to take the same mistakes with me in this new relationship and I haven't. I am just thankful to have been found again by this amazing person. And I am thankful that I have no regrets about any relationships I have had. I've been one blessed girl...that's for sure.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Deposit...

I've been thinking all weekend about people in general. And how certain things make certain people very happy. Not everyone is the same. For some, it is affection. For others, it's compliments. Some people find their happiness through their work and some through their kids or spouse. Everyone is so different. We all tick in a different way.

I have had a wonderful weekend with my dad and stepmom here, the girls with me, my sister and niece, my boyfriend just being him, etc. It's been amazing. I kept thinking of how what makes me happy comes in little deposits. Like I have an account....and it needs to maintain a balance...in order to maintain this balance, deposits must be made. For me, those deposits come in the form of affection. Not just a physical affection, but an affection overall. So, every time there is a compliment or a sentiment, a deposit is made. It makes me feel just a little richer. Every time my kids grab my hand or bury their heads in my neck, a deposit is made. Every time my boyfriend calls me "baby," a deposit is made. This is what makes me rich...feeling loved and feeling special to those around me. And by them doing this, I want to make as many deposits in their banks as I can.

I have learned so much from feeling this way myself. It makes me want to really discover what it is for others that makes them feel richer. I want to be a part of their happiness. For Lily, I think acceptance is what she needs right now. For Abby, it's affection...she is just like me. For my boyfriend, it's patience and understanding. There is something different for everyone and I think it's important to find out what that is so that you can make a deposit for them.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Pure exhaustion...

I have got to get some good sleep. Soon. I slept great all last weekend because my kids were with Eric and I was just one little happy camper for personal reasons. Now, Eric is out of town and I have the girls for a week. Which is normal, and fine. Only, prior to this new life, I wasn't working. I didn't have to get up at 6 AM and God forbid...put make up on. Put clothes on other than gym attire for that matter. I can no longer roll out of bed and get in the car in my slippers to drive car pool. I have to be...put together. Ugh. With lipstick and perfume...at 7:30 AM.

And I have to quit drinking so much. I am not some sort of hard core party animal, whining wino mommy. But I do like a nice cold beer or a spicy, bold red wine with dinner. My dad and stepmom are in town as well and when they are, the drinks are flowing.  And it makes me more sleepy. So, I go to bed at 11:00. I go to bed stressed out because I have been a total neurotic nutcase for at least 24 hours. I have treated my boyfriend horribly for no other reason than he scares the shit out of me sometimes...he's so...amazing. That's another post...anyway, I do my nightly routine of brushing teeth, letting dogs out, turning lights off...and most importantly, checking Lily's blood sugar. She was 178. This was, again, at 11:00. I set my iPhone alarm for 2:30 like I do every night, turn on my sound machine, and fall into the land of the sleeping. At 2:30, I am awakened by the annoying alarm. I open one eye, and spend the next 10 minutes convincing myself that Lily is fine, she was fine at bedtime, I really don't need to get up. Then, my mind goes straight to Leahanne's post yesterday on d-mom and how we get up every night to check, etc. Then, my mind goes to Dead in the Bed Syndrome. So, I drag my sleepy rear out of bed and make my way to Lily's room. She is sleeping like a little angel with her finger peeking out as usual. Low and behold, she was 82. WTH? She dropped so quickly and had no insulin on board at 11. She had played ALL day long with my dad so I can only assume exercise caught up with her? Who knows. What I do know is that I gave her 20 grams worth of chocolate milk at 2:30 AM with no insulin and she was 104 this morning at 7 AM. So, she would have dropped severely had I not checked her. I am constantly reminded EACH time I think it's okay to go back to bed of why I don't.

So, I am a tad tired today to say the least. After that close call, I had trouble going back to sleep. It's worth all of it though. Every second. To wake up this morning to Lily standing next to my bed asking me if she can have her own email account...it is priceless. I am her mom. I am her guardian. I am her pancreas...at least for now.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Blah, blah, blah...

Today I feel blah...again. I'm sitting at work with not a lot to do on this Veteran's Day. It's pouring down rain outside which only makes the air conditioner feel colder and my eyelids feel heavier. If it weren't for the constant sounds of the Metrorail horn and the ambulances passing by, I would be out cold...gladly...hopefully, with my mind in a better state in Dreamland than it is in Reality.

I'm beginning to feel like Stink the Dump Truck that Lily wants. You build a wall, you tear it down only to start building it again. This stupid wall...this wall that wouldn't even be there had I made better choices. I follow my heart and not logic. I do things before thinking 99% of the time. I say things before thinking. If it comes to the mind, usually it slips out of the mouth. Now, some people love this about me. You always know what I'm thinking and there is no question as to where you stand. Others, it drives them insane.

I am a passionate, romantic, HIGHLY energetic, neurotic, FEMALE. Not good combinations...lethal in fact. So, when I am passionate about something, I go at it with the strongest perseverance of anyone I know. In all aspects of my life, diabetes included. If I see something I want or something that I think needs to be accomplished. I go after it with all I have, plain and simple. It is how I operate. I know no other way. Likewise, if someone does something I really don't like, I go after them with the same perseverance...only politely.

So, I am trying to learn after this roller coaster year of my life, how to slow down. I had someone tell me once, "It's like you are driving to New York across country and it's the most beautiful drive yet you don't see it because you are so focused on getting there." That pretty much sums up my way of thinking. And now, I am trying to tear walls down and NOT rebuild them. Leave the spaces open and full of light.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

6th Annual DBlog Day-My Six Things



Today is the 6th Annual D-Blog Day and this year's theme is to write about six things you want people to know about diabetes. This is my first year participating and I am so excited to be a part of education!!

So, here goes my six things:

1. Diabetes is not a death sentence. My child is not dying, she is not fragile, she is not a charity case...she is a growing, well-adjusted little girl that has a chronic disease. Does this suck for her? Yes. Is it the end of a normal life for her? No. Does it make her different? Everyone is different from someone else...no two people are the same so sure, she's different. But diabetes is not the ONLY thing that makes her different from you or anyone else.

2. Yes, there are in fact two types of diabetes. Lily has Type One or Juvenile Diabetes. Just to keep it simple...her pancreas is useless. It is broken. She needs insulin in order to live. Insulin is not a cure but it is her lifeline. Type 2 Diabetes can often be controlled with diet, exercise and medication. Some Type 2's take insulin as well. A Type 2 diabetic can still make insulin though, a Type 1...cannot.

3. Can you catch diabetes? No, you can't. When Lily was first diagnosed, I had a playdate at the house and the mom asked me if her daughter could "catch the diabetes." I didn't know whether to burst into tears or smack her. Lily had only been diagnosed a month...tops. I explained that it is not a virus that can be caught. I left it at that and never invited them over again. I wish I would get that same question now when I am not so defensive and sensitive. I would love to explain what diabetes is and what it means for us.

4. No, I did not give Lily diabetes by feeding her too much sugar. You cannot give someone diabetes, as previously stated. Diabetes just happens. It happens whether you fed your child all organic food or only processed food. It happens whether you breastfed or didn't breastfeed. It happens whether you gave them gluten or gluten free. And it happens whether you had a home birth, a birth under water, or one in a damn tree. It happens. I constantly hear people try to explain to me why Lily probably got it. I still get defensive about this because I am her mother and I am responsible for her. I am not, however, responsible for her getting diabetes. Just like my mother is not responsible for me having PMDD (really bad PMS basically). She was dealt a hand of cards that we didn't necessarily want but got. It's life. It's our life and it is still a pretty darn good one!

5. Diabetes is not NO big deal. Every time she eats, pricks her finger, runs, plays, jumps, swims, cries, dances, does a cartwheel, and so on, it is a reminder to her and to us that we live with diabetes every second of every day.This is why we choose to remain POSITIVE. It is very easy to stay depressed with diabetes. It is always in your face. It's okay to hate it but it doesn't make it go away. Lily carries this on her shoulders at all times. She quietly reminds me to make sure she got her bolus (insulin at meals or snacks), she quietly makes sure I have trained the parents of friends if I am leaving her there to play, she is always aware of the pump she wears 24/7 on her tiny frame. It never leaves us, it does not sleep, it does not take a vacation...and neither can her "pancreas" which is a combination of Lily, her mom, her dad, and her sister...or anyone that loves and cares for her.BUT...as stated in #1, she is not an unhealthy, frail child. This has helped to mold her into the strong, creative person she is. Diabetes is a collaborative effort for a family. We all have it.

6. Lily can eat whatever she wants. If she is at a birthday party, please don't hold back on the cupcake or the sprinkles. If there is a special occasion at school, call and let the parents know but don't single my child out by skipping over her at snack time. This is the most common myth I have heard from day one. I believed it too before we thrown onto this path of life. Diabetics CAN EAT SUGAR!!! Lily can eat whatever she'd like as long as it is counted for accurate carbs and she is given the appropriate amount of insulin. Cupcake? Sure! Just let her give herself insulin. She can have candy, ice cream, chocolate syrup, you name it! Do I give it to her often? Once a day. That's the rule in our house for everyone, diabetes or not. One dessert a day. I feel like if I deprive her of sweets, she will end up hiding out to eat them and that can cause many problems down the road. So we take the approach of everything in moderation. It works for my family.

So, that's my six things for D-Blog Day! I hope I have educated at least ONE person on diabetes and what life is like with it!
6.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Our diagnosis...

I just realized that I don't think I have ever shared our diagnosis story. It is much the same as the other millions of kids that have diabetes. It is different for me since it is my story, of course...

Every year the Greek church here in Houston puts on a Greek Festival! It is a great time with great food and great music! My family is Greek so it is something that I used to really enjoy doing. So, on October 4, 2007, I took my daughters to the Greek Festival with some of our friends. It was over 100 degrees, not abnormal for Houston, and it was crowded! We were listening to music and dancing like crazy. Lily, my then 3 year old, was going through sippy cup after sippy cup of water and peeing constantly...in the Port-O-Potty. Not so fun. I didn't think much of it since it was over 100 degrees, as previously stated.

So, one of my friends told me maybe I should get her checked out...maybe she has a urinary tract infection or something. I have always leaned more towards the cautious side with my kids and their health...everything organic, healthy foods, regular doctor visits, immunizations on time, etc. So, the next morning I took her to our pediatrician. I told him she had been tugging on her panties for about a week and kept complaining that she felt uncomfortable "down there." He did an external exam and sent me home. This was a Friday. The next morning, my ex and I were on our way to a birthday party and I told him about the doctor's visit the day before and my concerns that Lily may have a UTI. He made us turn around and go in at that moment so they could do a urine test. I was furious. Now, we would be late to the party. I sat in the office fuming while we waited for the results.

When the doctor came in, she closed the door quietly and sat down. She kept looking between the two of us. My heart suddenly quit beating and I couldn't breathe. She said, "Lily has high levels of glucose in her urine and you need to go straight the ER. She will probably be admitted for a few days....type 1 diabetes." That's all I heard...diabetes. My mind went straight to the pantry. How much sugar had I given her? Did I give her diabetes? I knew nothing. No one on either side of our family is diabetic and I was not familiar with this disease. My ex on the other hand was trying not to cry. I kept looking to him for that look that tells me the doctor is indeed a lunatic. No such look. He knew all about diabetes just because his dad is a doctor and he's always been interested in medicine. I was in shock and denial. I even called the woman whose birthday party we missed to nonchalantly tell her we are on our way to the ER that Lily probably has diabetes. Just like we're grocery shopping or something. Thinking clearly was not happening at this point.

He took Lily to the ER and I stayed home with Abby who was barely 2 at the time. Her sugar levels were in the 300's but they said she had no ketones so they sent her home. What the hell was a ketone? No one explained much to us. I, of course, got on the Internet and completely freaked myself out with words like stroke, kidney failure, blindness, DEATH. Eric walked in the door with Lily, had her pee on a ketone test stick, got a high reading, and walked right back out the door. Boom...like that...our lives were changed forever. The world as we knew it had ended and we started with a whole new world. Literally, overnight, the words insulin, diabetes, carbohydrates, ketones, etc. became the most used words in my vocabulary. The walls started to close in as I realized Lily couldn't just be DROPPED off at camp or school. She couldn't just GO to a playdate. She couldn't just EAT FOOD. We couldn't sleep through the night anymore...oh my God, she could DIE. I spent a couple of days panicking and then snapped out of it. This precious little girl was looking to me to stay in control and let her know that her life is still worth living...and that she was going to be fine. I may doing a lot more behind the scenes but she will have a childhood if that's the last thing on Earth I ever give her.

So, we went on with life and I privately mourned our previous life but focused on making our new life just as good. I threw myself into the diabetes world...it's all I know how to do in a crisis situation...educate myself. It is the only thing that made me feel better and more powerful against this disease...was to know it backward and forward. And now I do. And now I dedicate the majority of my life, personal and professional, to educating others and to bringing this community together. Support and education are the key to living life well with diabetes!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My heart is a quilt...

Innocence is something that every child should have and hold on to for as long as possible. Innocence is what allows them to feel free of responsibility, and allows them to live in a creative world that they have created. A world full of dreams, hopes, fairy tales and adventure! I love to watch my girls as they engage in pretend play! They get lost in the world they have fantasized, much like I do when I find a really good book.

When I think of someone's heart, someone like mine, I think of a quilt. From the time I was little, until the age I am now, I have collected patches along the way. With each heartache, I have had to patch up that part of my heart. It still works the same, it just looks and feels a little different.And the patches hold. Some people have very few patches and others have enough to make a quilt. I think that each heartache you experience makes your quilt that more beautiful. It is hard to get through the tough times but they make us who we are. And how we get through those times determines, for me, whether or not your patch holds.

I wear a patch on my heart that has a huge blue circle on it, as does my daughter, her father and her sister. Pretty much anyone that loves her wears that same patch. I am sad that the kids lost a tiny bit of innocence with this patch but I know that it is going to be a part of their quilt later in life.

November is Diabetes Awareness Month. I am hoping that each and every one of us that deals with this disease daily can at least educate a few individuals on what it is and what it is NOT. Lives can be saved just by knowing the risks, lives can be improved by knowing how to manage it properly, and lesson can be learned on how to cope.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Happy Halloween...

I'm not sure if my kids get more excited about the costume, the Trick or Treating, or the Halloween Good Witch that stops by our house (much like Santa) to collect candy and leave a toy! Both girls have been very busy telling me what to tell the witch to leave for them. Having little children, this was the best I could come up with for this candy-fueled holiday.

When I was little, I remember going house to house in home made costumes and using my pillow case as a bag to fill with candy. We would come home, my dad would check to make sure all wrappers were in tact, and then we would dive into the mounds of candy! There was no limit on how much we ate so we ate...A LOT. TONS. I remember going to bed every year praying that I would NEVER see another piece of candy again...until the next Halloween.

Oh, how times have changed! I can honestly say that even if Lily was not diabetic, I still wouldn't let my kids go ballistic on the candy. It's just not good for them, at all. So, every year, the girls each pick two pieces of candy to eat that night and one for the next day. We then put all of the candy on the fireplace mantle for the good witch to come take. She leaves a toy in it's place. Something really good too...she has great taste in toys. It has to be something that makes up for the loss of candy. We never discuss the diabetes on Halloween because it is not a factor in Lily's eyes. She doesn't get to eat the mounds of candy because it is not good for her body to overindulge in anything. We do everything in moderation.

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's blogs to see how Halloween is handled. Now, if only I could control the treats, cupcakes, candy, etc. that is given to her at school for this dreaded holiday. Playdough, stickers, pencils, balls...anyone?? Not every little gift needs to be in the form of sugar. Seriously.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I need a drink...pronto...

Today is my birthday. And I'm not quite sure of when birthdays became not so fun. Was it 35? I remember being excited to turn 30! I was hugely pregnant at the time and ready to start a new phase of my life. Lily was born that year, shortly after my 30th birthday. This birthday is just weird. It's the first birthday that I am going to dinner without my girls. It's the first birthday in almost 12 years that I haven't gotten flowers or a trip to the spa. None of that matters, of course...I'm just saying it's weird.

The only consistent things in my life in the last few months are the fact that Lily has diabetes, and I have two kids. I even got a new car! I decided being single in a minivan was NOT the best idea so I got something smaller and cuter...more single. And I love it. It's more me.

My friend Carolyn is taking me to my favorite restaurant tonight for dinner and I can't wait! It's so nice to have some grown up time....frequently. My ex bought me my favorite bottle of white wine for my birthday so I think I'll crack that open soon and just enjoy turning 25, for the 12th time. Maybe 40 will be more fun? More eventful? Who knows. This one is just blahhhhhhhhhh. BUT...then again, when Carolyn is involved, something rather exciting usually happens so we'll see what's in store for me later! 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just Random Thoughts Today...

I've been in a happy place. In fact, I spend the majority of my time in this happy place...because I choose to. As I have made it publicly aware, I have spent some time in the bad place of late as well. I hate the bad place. The bad place does not suit me well. The bad place gets me in trouble with myself and anyone around me. So, I choose to be happy, most of the time.

Things with Lily could NOT be better. She is back to her usual self. She is a happy little girl, running and playing and drawing and laughing. She is full of hugs and kisses and wise cracks....which I just love. She was in the back seat today and was commenting on how she hasn't seen her best friend in a while and she'd really like a play date. Then, she says "only I can't remember her name." I almost died. She is a hilarious child when she wants to be. And a dramatic child, and intense, and loving, and hurtful all in one. And this makes her Lily. And my GOD do I love her.

Abby is just as lovable. The second she opens her big, brown eyes and looks at you...it's all over. Her red hair, freckles, squeaky little voice...she can really work it. The boys had better watch out for this one.

I am feeling better each day in my new life. I feel more comfortable. I feel more secure. I feel more confident. I feel more like ME. The real me. The me that grew up on an air force base listening to Willie Nelson Christmas albums.  The ME that was happiest in a tank top, beat up jeans, flip flops and drinking a beer.

I am even loving being back at work. I feel important again! Not to say that I never felt important being a mommy to my babies...but once they got older and went to school, I was getting bored. I wouldn't admit that because like many things in my life at that time, I wasn't really aware of it.

I remember an ex-friend, casualty of the divorce, saying to me as she ended our friendship, " I don't know who you were trying to fool on Facebook with all of the comments about loving your husband and being so happy..." Hmmm. Well, obviously I was fooling myself, now wasn't I? How hard is that to understand? Life is never as easy as it seems. We all know that. We try our best to not fail...and to not give up. I would think that relationships fall in that category as well. And relationships are really scary. It's hard to put yourself out there, open yourself up, become vulnerable...knowing that you might get hurt.

But as I said before. I choose to be happy. I choose to wake up each day and be thankful for what I have, who I am, what I have accomplished in this life...and the fact that I am a good person. When it's all said and done, that's all that really matters.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Today...

I spent the majority of today watching Lily...and thanking God for every second that I have with her. Every precious second that she blinks, or laughs, or cries, or takes a tiny breath. Sometimes this is all too much. It doesn't seem like too much to the average eye. And it shouldn't. It is not their responsibility. It's not their flesh, their blood, their sole reason for being alive. I don't want sympathy for my daughter or for myself. Anyone can die. At any time. And every parent does their absolute best to protect their children. Life is not always as we plan for it. I learned that with our diagnosis. But we take on what is given to us and we give it the very best fight we've got inside of us. And we teach our children to fight and love and be thankful and live every day to the fullest. We teach them that they cannot live in fear of the unknown. If you do...life will pass you by very quickly. It's out of our hands...our fate. I am not a religious person and never have been, but I do know that we cannot control all that happens. Life happens and there are too many factors. My heart feels like a weight today that I have been dragging around...sometimes stopping and trying my hardest to get it off the ground. And sometimes just stopping to rest to take a breath and realize how heavy I feel. I have not stopped thinking about the family that lost their daughter for one second. I have been dealing with my life...living my life...checking my daughter...doing every day things...and not one second has this family left my mind. And they never will leave my mind. We are all a family. And thank God for that.

My thoughts and prayers and love and heartache go out to you all.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Need

Twelve years. That's how long I was with my ex. Twelve years. We grew up together....well, in the years that you actually DO grow up. We met in our early twenties. I am four years older. We met walking our dogs. His 5 week old puppy attacked my 6 month old puppy. A few years after we met, he told me that he used to see me sitting on my balcony and wanted to meet me so he started walking his puppy in my courtyard. I thought that was so romantic.

I'm not really sure when things went wrong. I knew that things were never 100 percent right. We both did. We both had a lot of realizations after we split. And things just started falling into place right away...for us both. His job picked up, he started really working out again, started smiling again and having fun with his life. I started to get passionate about working, having more patience with my girls, not making my whole focus in life be diabetes...and for a while, I started really smiling again.

We have both moved on. And it's good. And we support each other. And we support our kids. And we are still a team as the parents of these beautiful little girls. But I haven't noticed until recently, the last few days, that I have absolutely no idea how to be single. I am so used to being with someone for twelve years. I am used to the way I communicate with him, the way I exist with him, the way I felt with him...so I need to learn to be SINGLE.

I have been seeing someone. Someone who is special. Someone that I care about. Someone that I have done nothing but push away. I have pushed him away because I have forgotten how to be desired. All I know at this stage in my life is how to be a couple. That's it. So, I am learning. And it's not easy. But I feel good today. I feel good because I woke up this weekend. I realized that I AM single. I am free to do whatever I want. I am free to feel however I want. I am free to see whoever I want. I realized that I am vulnerable. I am so open to hurt and to be mislead, but I don't need to be a couple. I don't need to be needy. My ex would laugh at that statement because he told me just a couple of weeks ago that I seemed a bit needy and I LOST it. I mean, full on, wrath of evil, lost it. That is the WORST thing someone could call me. BUT OH MY GOD IT'S TRUE! I have been the one thing that I hate more than anything else in the world...needy. Ugh...I feel like I need a detox, or a shower. I need to shed myself from this need to be needed. It's horrible. It's pathetic. It makes me irrational. It makes me...NEEDY. Like I have said before, it takes me a while to find my way but I do find it. And I stumble terribly while I am following the path to where I'm supposed to be but damn it I get there every time...in one piece, with a solid mind, and my feet planted firmly on the ground. Hopefully, nothing knocks me over again.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Your worth...

What a night! Dinner with friends, kids running and playing, decorating pumpkins and goblets, and lots of good wine and conversation. That breath...you know the one...the one I have been holding in for six days now...it came out. It was long and arduous and bitter,  but out. I breathed. I breathed for a long time and it was relaxing and fun and just what I needed.

I didn't realize how much I had lost in this divorce. This is not a diabetes entry tonight by the way...just so you know...afterall, it's not the ONLY thing we are. I used to have what I thought was a very strong and loving circle of friends. That is, until I decided to divorce. I was so proud of these women, felt like I had finally met some really strong, confident, nonjudgmental people. Ha! The joke was on me. I quickly realized that my "perfect married life" was directly linked to my "perfect" circle of friends. The majority of them are still around and I can call them if I want to, talk to them if I want to, but it isn't the same. I was part of a couple apparently and not an individual to this group. That has been made clear. Divorce somehow scares people and makes them take a closer look at their lives so I can only assume, this is why these friendships became nonexistent in a matter of days. One friend, the one I have known the longest, actually ended our friendship...she told me that we have not been close for years, that she did not agree with my decisions, basically that I was a bad mother, etc. I was devastated for about five minutes, until my sanity kicked in. Who needs a friend like that anyway. Who not only kicks someone, but absolutely crushes and paralyzes them when they are already down? And with many things in my life, a switch was turned off and once a switch is off...it can no longer be turned on. As much as I may want to flip that switch again..it will never happen. I am a very strong person. It may take a while to get myself where I need to be, but I am protective, I am loyal, I am honest and I am open. I do not waste my energy on hate or regret, but I do know how to move on without looking back. This is what has happened in this case.

So, this brings me to tonight. I have been having quite the pity party for a couple of weeks now. I mean...I have divorced, starting working again full time again after seven years, and attempted dating all in a short amount of time. I have lost friends and I have made friends. Tonight, I was with new friends. Friends that have been through what I am going through. Friends that have been single a while. Friends that understand that I am not the norm right now. But most of all...I was just around FRIENDS. Women who were not afraid to smack me around a bit and wake me up. Women that reminded me of what I am worth. Women that do not look at me and see mistakes or faults but see someone who is brave and courageous. I am not a pity party person...life has dealt me a lot and I have always taken it with a vengeance. So, what's the difference now? There isn't one. I am worth honesty, integrity, loyalty, forgiveness, understanding, and unconditional love. I will accept nothing less....from anyone. Ever again. I got my groove back...finally.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Celebration

I have always taken pride in the fact that neither of my children have EVER seen me shed a tear. This is not because I think crying is wrong, or weak, it's because I don't want to scare them. I don't want them to think their world is collapsing. Afterall, they look to me to see how they should react.

I was thinking about this on the way  home from work yesterday. I was thinking about the negative place my mind has been living the last few days. I wear these thoughts in every expression I have. I have never been a good liar nor have I ever been able to cover up what is going on in my thoughts. If I am angry...you will know. If I am upset...you will know. If I am happy and excited...you will definitely know. What you see is what you get because there really isn't much of a filter there. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but at least people always know where they stand with me. So, I was thinking about the girls, and diabetes especially. I was thinking about when Lily was first diagnosed, how it was my mission in life for her to not think this was a death sentence...or even something bad. So, we celebrated...a lot. We had a HUGE party when she started her pump and invited all of her friends to come bounce and eat cupcakes. This is what I meant when I said in another post that my focus is gone. I have been dwelling. I have been having a pity party and going through the motions of hating diabetes. I have made it sound awful when in reality...my child is ALIVE. She is HEALTHY. She runs, she plays, she screams, she laughs, she reads, she draws and she grows...just like every other kid out there. And yes, she checks her blood sugar and wears a pump and counts carbs. And that sucks for her. BUT...my attitude needs to shift back to the celebration if I want hers to.

Lily's 3 year Diaversary was October 7th. We forgot it. It was just another day that went by in our busy lives. I couldn't believe we forgot. How could we forgot a day that changed everything we knew? The day that literally changed the course of our lives. So, it brought me back to celebrating. I picked up Lily from school and told her that we just had her diabetes birthday and we needed to make diabetes a cake or something. She wants Lego Cupcakes. She is excited! We have friends coming over tonight and we are celebrating...we are not celebrating the fact that she has a disease but the fact that this disease has not claimed her. So, when she asked me what the party was for, I said, "We are celebrating your life."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Blanket of Fear...

I feel like I have been wearing a huge, heavy, layered blanket for quite some time. It makes it difficult to walk, it makes it difficult to dance, it makes it difficult to breathe at times. Yet, I lug it around day after day because it's been there for so long...I quit noticing it. This blanket has kept me from doing many things that I have wanted to do. It seems like lately, I have been shedding a few layers here and there. I wake up each day feeling just a bit lighter than I did the day before. Sometimes this makes me overjoyed and other times, it makes me really scared and lonely...and feeling half dressed. It makes me want to grab on to my blanket and make sure it stays securely wrapped around me...so I can stay in control of what gets under it. The key word there is CONTROL.


After our little pinning down episode yesterday, and talking to Lily's doctor...I realized that controlling anything is not a good thing. The fear of losing control, and being vulnerable to something, is almost too much for my type A personality to bear. So, if I feel something slipping...taking on a life of it's own...I dig in deeper and deeper trying to get it back where I wanted it to begin with. This has gotten me absolutely nowhere in my life, yet I still do it. It is second nature at this point. So...my goal for as long as it takes, is to release this control and let go of my blanket...if I do not, I fear I will break my daughter's spirit, I will turn my girls into the people that I want them to be and not who they are MEANT to be, and I will lose people I love....that's the most fearful part of all.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Pin Down...

I have always wondered which event that Eric and I created, would traumatize my children. Well, that event happened this morning. Lily woke up AGAIN, second day in a row, with ketones over 3.5. I checked her BG at 4:00 AM and she was 175 so I went back to bed...happily. My alarm went off at 6 so I could get ready for work before the girls get up at 7. I strolled into her room at 7 and carried her to the living room, as we do every morning. I then went back for the little redhead and carried her out. Lily immediately started asking for water and my heart sank. I checked and she was 387 with high ketones. I was baffled. TWO mornings in a row, seriously?

I got a needle and got ready to inject her so I could actually SEE the insulin go into her body. She was not happy...and that is putting it mildly. So, I called my ex husband for reinforcement. I told Lily we were going to have to change her pod and put it on her tummy. Did I mention that she will ONLY wear it on her arm these days and she is getting some lipodystrophy because we aren't alternating sites enough? So...she starts whining and whimpering and telling me that it is NOT going on her tummy. No matter what. I, of course, being her mother and in charge of appropriate behavior from her, am getting more and more annoyed at this little attitude. I choose to wait for Eric before I lose my temper.

Eric gets there and Lily goes into a tail spin. She is screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, kicking, trying to bite me, flailing her arms all over the place. I was envisioning an Exorcism at this point. What the hell had possessed my child? We actually...and yes, I am admitting this to the entire DOC in hopes of no one else trying this at home...pinned her down, without a shirt, while we inserted her pod in her tummy. Meanwhile, she is biting, scratching, kicking, crying and clearly stating that she wants to die. Yes, my 6 year old wishes she was dead. She does not want diabetes, she hates herself, hates her family, hates God, and hates that I won't kill her so she can go to Heaven. I have been hearing a lot of this lately and it breaks my heart into smaller pieces with every word. We screamed, we yelled, we blamed her for being late to work, etc.

I am NOT proud of this morning. Eric is not proud of this morning. We officially have made the one event she will clearly remember as her parents losing it and being horrible to her. And we can't take it back. It's out there already and cannot be undone. I talked to her endo today at length (helps to work in the building) and he thinks she is internalizing and this is her way of dealing with our divorce. To him, she obviously thinks she is the reason for the split. That her having diabetes is why her mommy and daddy split up. How was this not obvious to us? We have been so self-involved that we have been blind.

So, Lily...if you ever Google your mommy in your lifetime and find this blog...you are NOT the reason for this split, diabetes is NOT the reason for this split...you have done nothing wrong and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Sometimes grown ups screw up and sometimes grown ups just can't live together but there is NO reason we can't be better parents. We are so sorry.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cutting the Cord...

Therapy. I am the one that needs it probably. More of it anyway. For now, I am my own therapist...until I get on my feet. Writing is therapeutic for me. It's why I majored in it...it's why I never did anything with it. It's too personal.

I have realized in the last few weeks that I am maybe as strong as I thought, but not as unharmed. This has affected me. This divorce. This disease. This life. I am not made of stone. And let me tell you, once those flood gates opened...they opened.

I have come to some conclusions lately about myself. Some think I think too much...I think that I need to. I need to in order to live the life that I want for myself and my girls. I have discovered that nobody can satisfy the depth of emotion I am feeling right now. I cannot expect that of anyone. I always thought that I had no expectations, that I was easy to be with...I have discovered I am so far from easy. I am complex, I am multifaceted, I do not have any shade of black or white...only grey. Nothing with me is certain, nothing can be explained. I am in a constant state of change right now. I wake up every morning learning something new and trying to fix something old. I am insecure, I am not brave, I am sad, I am heartbroken for the life I chose to leave. I find myself looking at people's hands when I am at a stop light and realizing I no longer have a ring. And I don't know if I ever will again. I am honest when I say that I don't mind being alone. It has never bothered me. I am not honest when I say I am not scared of being alone forever. Is anyone?

One thing I do know is that I cannot be broken when I present myself to someone. I need to get myself centered. I don't want to impose my needs on someone,  but find out what they are and why I need them. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. It isn't possible. I cannot be saved...I am not going to keep asking that.

I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to learn to trust my instincts, to know my worth, to understand what I need out of life. I am going to realize finally what is right for me and what is not. I have to accept this. It is not defeat if something does not work out. It is part of life.

I am so confident and aggressive when it comes to certain parts of my life but love has never been one of them. I think this comes from what I saw growing up...or didn't see. This is why I want my children to see the healthiest of relationships. I don't want my girls to ever settle. I want them to be strong enough to let someone come to them...to let someone show their love instead of them constantly showing their hand.

Hopefully, I can listen to my own words. There are people in my life I don't want to lose.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Those Damn D's

My life has been inundated with D's...diabetes, divorce, Dexcom, delusional, desperate...you name it. It starts with a "d." Well, I am Done. Take that...letter D. I am Done.


My almost 7 year old has diabetes. She has had diabetes for 3 years now. She did really well the first couple of years and seemed to handle things like a pro. That is, until this spring. This spring, Lily decided she hated diabetes. She simply did not want it anymore. At this same time, I was realizing that I was not a happily married person and some changes were going to occur.


Lily had started wearing Dexcom. That was the catalyst for her. Dex was just too much. She now no longer wears it. Since this spring, Lily has decided she wants to be a boy. She has stopped wearing dresses, no longer takes dance, wants to play football, and has taken a liking to boys briefs. We have struggled to let her make choices and to have her feel comfortable with who she is. Problem is, she doesn't know who she is and is very lost. She says she wishes she was a boy. She doesn't feel comfortable in her body. What do you say to that? Therapy? Already got a call in.

It is my Duty as her mother to show her how to cope. She has been Dealt a set of cards that no child her age should have to Deal with. She is having a hard time with this Damn Disease and this Damn Divorce. She is doing her best to stay strong and not fall apart. She is like her mother and father that way...refusing to ever give in to Defeat. This kids has no chance of ever being a victim. It's simply not in her genes. And we will not allow it.

Diabetes is like a song that is playing softly in the background while you are busy living life. It is at times mellow and barely there but when the chorus picks up, it is loud and deafening to sensitive ears. It stays that way for a while and then goes back to it's mellow tune...only to keep playing the chorus when you least expect it. I wish it would stop so my little girl could hear the laughter, wind, birds and silence...with no interruptions, like other kids do.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Been A While...

I haven't written lately because I've been having a hard time finding the right words. My life has taken a 180 degree turn...in zero time. I went from married, stay at home mom of two, to divorced, full time working mom...all in a month's time frame.  Crazy how that happens...at lightning speed. And at my own doing. I am happy. I am happier than I was. That is for sure. But it's weird. Diabetes is not my sole reason for waking up each day. I have actually thought about ME. Thought about what I want out of life for me and my kids. It is bittersweet. It feels good to care about myself but there is guilt for not only thinking about my kids. It's crazy. I promised myself that if I started blogging, I would be honest and raw. So I am.

I feel like a little bird that is trying to fly for the first time. I get out there and try to spread my wings, hoping I won't crash and burn, yet I do again and again. I am determined to learn to fly so I keep pulling myself back up...but it is exhausting. And heartbreaking. I know I will spread my wings and soar but it is going to take time. I need to take care of myself first or I am no good to my kids. I need to remember what it is that I want out of life, and need, and not settle for less. It is important to show my girls that you don't give up, or give in. You have to be strong and fight for what you believe in.

Lily really needs to learn this because she has been dealt a very specific deck of cards...ones that will be forever changing and cause her a lot of ups and downs in her life. She needs to have a good role model...someone to look up to you. Someone that she can say always went after what she wanted and got it...if it was good for her...but turned away from something that wasn't. She needs to know that she is loved and that she is not different. She is just a very strong little girl. I need to get my focus back.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Ketones...

I hate ketones. Hate them. This past day has been crazy. Lily was 146 at dinner last night. She didn't want to finish it all so I tried to make up for it with a scoop of ice cream. She was 308 at bed time. I checked at 10:30, still in the 300's so I gave .2 units and went to bed. At 2 AM, still in the 300's, no ketones, gave another .2 and went to bed. This morning? 328 with 1.4 ketones. Gave her insulin and waited an hour. She was then 350 with 1.8 ketones. UGH! Damn Omnipod. I changed her Pod, gave her a shot, fed her breakfast and moved on.

I had some work to do so when she asked me for a yogurt for snack, I obliged assuming she would bolus herself as usual. Well, I am home with both girls and all three of us have a little cold. I guess we were both forgetful and she ate a 13 gram yogurt with no bolus. Great. So, I checked her about 30 minutes later and got the lovely HIGH reading. No ketones. At least the Pod is working now. She is now 425 and it's been 1.5 hours so who knows how high she was.

Days like this are annoying and hard to read. I'm sure the insulin will stack and she will drop low later. The whole day is screwed up. I guess you just hop on and ride the roller coaster out since there is no other alternative. It is part of the process with this disease. At least today I can pinpoint what the problem is: a mommy with too much on her mind!! We do the best we can in any given situation! I'll cut myself some slack these days! Moving on!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The numbers...

I am shocked that Lily's numbers have not faltered through this separation/divorce. It baffles me. The child can have a tantrum and shoot all the way up to 400, quickly. Her mom and dad shake her whole world? Perfect numbers. Hmmm...I wonder if that is a sign of how stressed she was prior to this?

I watch her and pray that she doesn't think any of this has to do with her diabetes because it doesn't. Our problems started pre-marriage and just went from there. It is not about her. Or Abby. They are the best things in this world and the reason that Eric and I were meant to be together for the time we were! Diabetes adds stress to a marriage for sure but it certainly didn't cause the demise in mine!

The other part that has been somewhat tricky is figuring out how we are going to care for her separately. We have been working on a system with her logs and supplies that seems to be working so far. I am confident that everything will work out as it supposed to be. It has to for the girls.

We are off this weekend to the beach as a family...all four of us. We are going to a friend's beach house to relax, have fun, and enjoy a much-needed break. We promised the girls we are still a family and that's just not changing. So, I am looking forward to spending time all together! Happy Labor Day!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dex is alive...

Dex is alive. It has survived the second drowning. I have not yet put it back on Lily though. The thing is, she keeps getting a horrible rash from it. I am beginning to wonder if Dex is doomed and I am not reading the signs??

First, Dex goes for a swim with Lily during her practice. Second, I drown Dex in the gentle cycle. Dex revives. Lily hates Dex and we go to therapy, we go to conferences, we go everywhere that will convince her Dex is good. Then, I drown Dex again. Dex takes a week hanging out in rice but is working. The whole time, Dex is causing a major skin reaction on her tushie. What am I to do with this damned Dex?

Now that I am here alone at night with her I really want Dex back. Maybe if I try a new spot she won't have a reaction. Lily still wears a pull up at night because when she goes high, she pees. It doesn't wake her even after she goes. So, I am wondering if Dex and urine are not mixing well and thus, the rash on the skin.

Never a dull moment in this world of diabetes.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Separation...

Today's post is not necessarily on diabetes but on marriage. I have been married for almost 10 years and have just recently separated from my husband. There are so many life changes taking place that it is overwhelming, scary, sad and exciting. I am going to go back to work. I might be single again. My kids are going to be shuffled from house to house for awhile if not forever. So many things to consider and so many things to take in. I have never been very good with change. I am a creature of habit and like for things to be comfortable.

My husband and I are best friends. We have grown up together so this is not a nasty split. There is still love and respect for each other. I'm just trying to figure out if there is any sort of romantic relationship left to salvage. I can't tell if I am numb from years of no affection or if I am totally not in love anymore.

When Lily was diagnosed with diabetes, we quit sleeping in the same room and that has been a huge thing for us. It became normal to us to sleep this way so that we could check her at night. I didn't realize how lonely I had become. I didn't realize how unhappy we both were as a couple. I didn't realize it until the beginning of this year.

So, I am hopeful that life has nothing but good things to offer both of us. I am also hoping that some sort of clarity will be provided to me as well.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Drowning Dex Part Deux...

Our beloved Dex spent the last day and a half hanging out in a jar of rice. Why? Rice sucks the moisture out of things. This is why you see rice in salt containers at restaurants. When I called Dexcom the other day after our drowning incident, they suggested that we stick it in some rice for a few hours and see if it dries out. After the spin in the washing machine, Dex was not turning on...at all. Well, yesterday morning, Dex turned on after a leisurely night in the rice! There was a pretty significant cloud in the background but it was on so I was hopeful.

I called Dexcom again and they agreed that things were looking up. They told me to leave it in the rice a bit longer so that the circuit board gets completely dried out (hence, the cloud) and that way it won't short out on us. So, Dex spent another night in the rice. This morning, Dex turned on with NO cloud! I now have it back in the rice just to make sure and am charging it again while it is in there. Fingers crossed multiple times!

The new sensors came in yesterday so we are going to hook Lily up again this afternoon after school and hopefully, Dex is fully recovered and do it's magic for us! This was a close call.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Stupid, Idiotic, NON-waterproof Dexcom...

Seriously? How many times is it going to take for me to realize that the Dexcom is NOT waterproof? As I was sitting here at my laptop daydreaming away on Facebook...my daughter's Dexcom was getting a nice, little bubble bath in my washing machine. The buzzer went off, I went in to switch the clothes to the dryer and boom...Dex hit the floor (insert many expletives here that should have not been murmured in front of the children).

You see, just a mere couple of months ago, Dexcom took a swim during a swim team practice. Lily walked up and tried to hand it to me and I said, "Wait until it's time to get in so that I can see your number." Well, she waited but I never asked for the number and she jumped in. A moment later, she walked up carrying a very soaked, very ruined Dexcom. I called the company and they were "kind" enough to give me a replacement for only $400.00. Gee, thanks. So, I figured that was the last time Dex would get wet!

Well, we went swimming again yesterday and Lily had the Dex in her pocket. I threw her clothes in our swim bag. When we got home, the Dexcom sensor fell off and I was out of them. So, we had no choice but to take a break from the Dex. This brings us to an hour ago. I grabbed the swim bag and everything inside to wash. It never occurred to me that Dex was in there too, awaiting its fate.

I called Dexcom customer service and they were not so nice this time around. Apparently, you get one shot to drench the Dexcom. Water damage is not covered. This time, they want $649.00 to replace it. Oh. My. God. Next post may be about divorce. Stay tuned...

Friday, August 13, 2010

Happy Hour

I had happy hour last night with other D moms. It is so nice to get together with other moms who go through the same daily struggles as we do each day. I have become so close to some of these moms and it has really been a life saver for me emotionally. It's nice to meet with people who understand my lingo. It's nice that they "get it" when I talk about how hard it is to deal with Lily's mood swings, or to get up at night and check, or to be too afraid to not get up at night and check.

My non D friends are great too but I really don't think they get the impact that diabetes has on your life, your marriage, your outlooks,  and so on. It's hard to live with this disease daily. It's hard to think of life pre-D. I don't remember much of what it was like to just give Lily food or go to a birthday party without taking in extra factors to determine how to best manage her and still let her just be a regular kid. I cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like if I could just drop her off somewhere and not be concerned that she'll be unconscious when I return to get her!

On the flip side, I can't imagine my life without who she is and this is just a part of her...so why dwell on the bad? I choose not to. Instead, I choose to find other moms to vent to that DO understand and I choose to find friends for my Lily that are going through what she is going through so that she isn't alone in her battle. She is an amazing kid, diabetes and all. I want to teach her that this will not slow her down but she may have to take a few extra steps to get the places she wants to go...and it will make getting there all the more worthwhile! Happy Friday!