Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cutting the Cord...

Therapy. I am the one that needs it probably. More of it anyway. For now, I am my own therapist...until I get on my feet. Writing is therapeutic for me. It's why I majored in it...it's why I never did anything with it. It's too personal.

I have realized in the last few weeks that I am maybe as strong as I thought, but not as unharmed. This has affected me. This divorce. This disease. This life. I am not made of stone. And let me tell you, once those flood gates opened...they opened.

I have come to some conclusions lately about myself. Some think I think too much...I think that I need to. I need to in order to live the life that I want for myself and my girls. I have discovered that nobody can satisfy the depth of emotion I am feeling right now. I cannot expect that of anyone. I always thought that I had no expectations, that I was easy to be with...I have discovered I am so far from easy. I am complex, I am multifaceted, I do not have any shade of black or white...only grey. Nothing with me is certain, nothing can be explained. I am in a constant state of change right now. I wake up every morning learning something new and trying to fix something old. I am insecure, I am not brave, I am sad, I am heartbroken for the life I chose to leave. I find myself looking at people's hands when I am at a stop light and realizing I no longer have a ring. And I don't know if I ever will again. I am honest when I say that I don't mind being alone. It has never bothered me. I am not honest when I say I am not scared of being alone forever. Is anyone?

One thing I do know is that I cannot be broken when I present myself to someone. I need to get myself centered. I don't want to impose my needs on someone,  but find out what they are and why I need them. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. It isn't possible. I cannot be saved...I am not going to keep asking that.

I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to learn to trust my instincts, to know my worth, to understand what I need out of life. I am going to realize finally what is right for me and what is not. I have to accept this. It is not defeat if something does not work out. It is part of life.

I am so confident and aggressive when it comes to certain parts of my life but love has never been one of them. I think this comes from what I saw growing up...or didn't see. This is why I want my children to see the healthiest of relationships. I don't want my girls to ever settle. I want them to be strong enough to let someone come to them...to let someone show their love instead of them constantly showing their hand.

Hopefully, I can listen to my own words. There are people in my life I don't want to lose.

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