Friday, February 16, 2018

Beautiful Chaos...

Clarity. My world is full of unknowns-things beyond my control. I live in a state of distortion most times and my energy is spent trying to gather thoughts and feelings and making sense of them.There are a few things I am so clear about today...this very moment. And I need to get them out. I keep waiting for things to settle down but it's been years and it isn't happening. My life is a beautiful but chaotic mess.

So I come back here, to my safe place.I was told to get these feelings out...put them out in the universe so my head will have some extra space.

My beautiful Lily-your tests came back normal and so far, your kidneys are fine. That scare scared us all. I don't want you to have one ounce of damage to your beautiful body. You have done so well-your doctor said you are the best managed patient she has. You know how special your body is and that it's the only one you get to take you on this ride. You are amazing and we are so proud of you. You handled this with grace as always. I on the other hand, I broke down. I carried this for weeks filled with fear. I am not sure I could handle one more thing on YOUR plate. Your hard work has paid off sweet girl.

My little redhead-I know these past few weeks have been so hard. Please know you are so loved and cherished by so many. One of life's greatest lessons is to realize your worth. It took me a long, long time to do this. You need to surround yourself with people that value your friendship and love you for who you are. Don't waste your time on people that you feel bad about yourself around. Don't waste time on people that show no interest in being around you. You are too precious for that. The best gift you can give yourself is being true to yourself. Don't conform-that round peg won't fit in that square hole pumpkin. There is a whole world out there for you. Find people that treat you with the same kindness you extend to them. People will come in and out of your life forever and the ones that stand out in their ACTIONS are the ones that you will have for life. I promise you that. You are fearfully and wonderfully made my sweet baby...don't ever forget that.

Henry-I have no words. With one look, you melt my heart. With one word, my heart explodes. You tell me you love me so many times a day and I hope it never stops. You have been working so hard lately not to be a stinker and I am so proud of you. You are my world little buddy. Keep those kisses coming forever and ever and ever.

Matt-my love. It's been a hard few weeks for us. I love you. I just love you. We have so much baby. Neither of us can stop and think about what all we have on our list of responsibilities or we fall apart. Neither of us can stop and think about what if diabetes wasn't here-it's too painful. We just function the best we can. And it's hard. It's so damn hard. Too hard. We make our lives the best we  possibly can and it's pretty damn good. It's beautiful really. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone but you.

Everyone has struggles. Some are 24/7 like ours. Some are random. Some are self-inflicted. Some are hands we were dealt. Trying to stay focused and centered is WORK. One thing I have learned is that it's always up and down...and sideways and sometimes backwards. It always, always, always passes though. The rough times always pass.  I guess that's my clarity.