I started down this road last summer...stumbling down the path in hopes of finding some inner peace. I started reading some books on love and spirituality. I read books on forgiveness and healing. I read books on accepting your imperfections and learning to live a life of gratitude. I researched. I studied. For me, I find this peace and way of coping through words. It's how I learn. I use words to heal and comfort myself as well. It's my therapy.
Through this process I have peeled back these bandages and left my core open and raw. Things affect me differently. I have strong emotions and reactions. I am vulnerable. I can no longer find that woman that held everything together...all the time. I can no longer find the woman that cares to.
I am imperfect. I have huge flaws. I cry at almost anything nowadays. My soul has been touched. I have found that piece of me that I haven't seen in so many years...the one that can hurt...and love...and be afraid...and not be so PERFECT. I have ventured out of my perfectly wrapped self and opened my soul up a little bit. Just enough to be scared to death to be exposed but to feel so full of life.
I find myself gazing at my husband by my side and being so overcome with gratitude and affection for him being here...with all of his imperfections. I often find myself on the brink of tears just watching my girls do homework or Henry play with his little letters. It's such an amazing feeling to feel so much love in my heart. I feel like the world is so fragile and I need to capture every moment. I feel like I am finally finding some peace from the chatter in my head.
Words are powerful. Once they are released, they can't be taken back. Remember that when you are trying to communicate with people. It's what IS the chatter that can just as easily break us as it does make us. Somewhere along the way, I took very hurtful words and turned them into who I thought I was. I am much more careful now in how I handle things...I have finally learned to take some time and think about how powerful my language can be. I choose love...and I will never again let someone have the power over me to doubt that.