Monday, December 27, 2010

Love is a funny thing...

Life is a funny thing. We spend so much time wondering WHY things happen? It seems so important to find meaning in every event we go through. Is there really meaning behind all that happens though? Why ask why? Why not just accept that things have happened and move on? Is that possible? Why did I end up single? Why did Lily get diabetes? Why can't someone let someone else go? Why didn't I notice my boyfriend so many years ago in high school? And why was he brought back in to my life now? Why???

I was telling him this weekend that I just don't get why a harder path is always chosen? It seems like the easy way of doing things is just not appealing. I can remember telling Eric that my boyfriend lived in Arizona. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He said, "Why would you pick someone who doesn't live here? Why are you making it so hard on yourself?" Well, I still have no answer. I have no answer other than it feels right. More right than anything. Does that make it any easier? No, it does not. In fact, it gets harder and harder to leave with every visit.

So, I find myself asking, is this meant to be? Do we uproot our lives we know for each other so we can be together? Only time will tell. And I am not a patient person so this has been a struggle for me. I am an agressor. I do things at lightning speeds. I have the rare ability of having a feeling or thought, completely trusting in that feeling or thought, and running with it...without looking back. And I have no regrets. I can't change things so what is the point of regretting them?

I know heartbreak well. I have experienced this several times in my life. It is a process: 1) ball your eyes out until they don't open. 2) be in denial 3) mourn the relationship for a couple of weeks 4) get off of your ass and get your life back. My stepmom told me 2 weeks is really the maximum amount of time to mourn something and have your pity party. Otherwise, it is too hard to pick up the pieces. Too much time has gone by. So, after my first heartbreak in college at 19, I took her advice. I moved on. My boyfriend at the time did not treat me well and was unfaithful. I allowed him back in my life several times over the next few years. And guess what...he broke my heart again each time. Why? Because I let him. I had no self-esteem, no confidence, and did not know my self-worth. But now, as a grown woman and mother...I am strong...I am confident...I am unafraid...and I know what I am worth. So, I am more protective of myself and my children. I think that repairing a betrayal of yourself is far much worse than repairing the end of a relationship. If things don't go as planned in my life, I will add another patch to my quilt and I will start living again.

So, that leaves me where I am today. My heart is full, my heart is strong, my heart is in the right place. But only time will tell where life is going to take my heart...and whether or not it will be in one piece when I get there.

1 comment:

  1. Deep SIGH!

    Wow! You are one brave woman and I like the two week rule. I wish I had heard of that one before now! LOL.