The Refresher...

Well, I put Lily back on shots on Saturday AM after much deliberation. I lay in bed with her Friday night as she softly cried on my chest and told me she is tired of her pump and wants a break. She doesn't want to wear it on her tummy...it is uncomfortable and a constant reminder. She likes it on her arm, where her t shirts cover it. She was never concerned with her pump before or what people thought. She has had this for almost three years.

So, after she finally fell asleep, I lay staring at my ceiling for a really long time, putting myself in her little shoes. What must it be like to wear a machine every single second of your life...and have no control over any of your decisions...have no one listen to what it is that YOU are asking for. I kept thinking about the battles we have had this year with her diabetes gadgets. How she has actually been pretty patient waiting for us to come around and realize that she is just needing some time. I don't know why I had it so stuck in my head that she would not be okay on MDI (shots). She is still getting insulin. We can still treat her as if she is on a pump. She may get 10 shots a day but if it doesn't bother her right now, why should it bother me?

So, Saturday morning...at 6 AM...she woke me up and said, "Mommy can I look on your computer and see what those insulin pens look like?" I dragged my very tired self out of bed and showed her the sample pen the doc had given me on Friday and we looked up the Novopen Jr. She was really excited. So, I called Eric and we discussed it and that was it...I took her Pod off and gave her Lantus and Novolog. She didn't flinch, said it didn't hurt at all, and she was feeling very free to have her little body free of any machines stuck to her. What a feeling that must be! She has had something stuck in her skin permanently since March of 2008. Holy shit....that is a LONG time and she is only 7 so until there is a cure for diabetes...she is going to be stuck sticking herself regardless. A break will not kill her. It will not kill me. It will not kill Eric.

The only way I can explain the guilt you feel for giving up something that is "better" for your child in the long run is the same feeling as breastfeeding. When I quit breastfeeding, I was depressed from guilt for a couple of weeks. I felt like I was doing something very detrimental to my girls. And they were fine. And one still got diabetes. It's just the way of the world.

Now, the routine has changed A LOT. Lily is a happy little camper going on about her life...even wore a very short sleeved shirt on Sunday. I, on the other hand, have been a frenzied mess! I got to breakfast Saturday morning with no meter, but did have my entire packet the hospital gave me upon diagnosis. I couldn't remember the formulas for her insulin and I was used to having her pump act as her meter. I then got to lunch with no test strips. The list goes on and on and on. I put the wrong needle on the end of the new Novopen Jr. and dropped her off at Eric's. She was in the high 300's all day and was not getting insulin. He kept calling to tell me insulin was leaking. I kept telling him to go to the pharmacist and get a new pen! So, it was discovered there that there are TWO different kinds of needles for the pens (Lantus and Novolog). Who the hell knew? Not me...so, we will get it all straight. Her numbers will get in control...life will go on. It's just another day in the life with my precious little baby.