What a night! Dinner with friends, kids running and playing, decorating pumpkins and goblets, and lots of good wine and conversation. That breath...you know the one...the one I have been holding in for six days now...it came out. It was long and arduous and bitter, but out. I breathed. I breathed for a long time and it was relaxing and fun and just what I needed.
I didn't realize how much I had lost in this divorce. This is not a diabetes entry tonight by the way...just so you know...afterall, it's not the ONLY thing we are. I used to have what I thought was a very strong and loving circle of friends. That is, until I decided to divorce. I was so proud of these women, felt like I had finally met some really strong, confident, nonjudgmental people. Ha! The joke was on me. I quickly realized that my "perfect married life" was directly linked to my "perfect" circle of friends. The majority of them are still around and I can call them if I want to, talk to them if I want to, but it isn't the same. I was part of a couple apparently and not an individual to this group. That has been made clear. Divorce somehow scares people and makes them take a closer look at their lives so I can only assume, this is why these friendships became nonexistent in a matter of days. One friend, the one I have known the longest, actually ended our friendship...she told me that we have not been close for years, that she did not agree with my decisions, basically that I was a bad mother, etc. I was devastated for about five minutes, until my sanity kicked in. Who needs a friend like that anyway. Who not only kicks someone, but absolutely crushes and paralyzes them when they are already down? And with many things in my life, a switch was turned off and once a switch is off...it can no longer be turned on. As much as I may want to flip that switch again..it will never happen. I am a very strong person. It may take a while to get myself where I need to be, but I am protective, I am loyal, I am honest and I am open. I do not waste my energy on hate or regret, but I do know how to move on without looking back. This is what has happened in this case.
So, this brings me to tonight. I have been having quite the pity party for a couple of weeks now. I mean...I have divorced, starting working again full time again after seven years, and attempted dating all in a short amount of time. I have lost friends and I have made friends. Tonight, I was with new friends. Friends that have been through what I am going through. Friends that have been single a while. Friends that understand that I am not the norm right now. But most of all...I was just around FRIENDS. Women who were not afraid to smack me around a bit and wake me up. Women that reminded me of what I am worth. Women that do not look at me and see mistakes or faults but see someone who is brave and courageous. I am not a pity party person...life has dealt me a lot and I have always taken it with a vengeance. So, what's the difference now? There isn't one. I am worth honesty, integrity, loyalty, forgiveness, understanding, and unconditional love. I will accept nothing less....from anyone. Ever again. I got my groove back...finally.