Monday, February 13, 2017

For the Newly Diagnosed...

For the newly diagnosed...

I haven't written in so long that I am afraid to let the words out. I have been on an emotional journey the past few months, evaluating my entire life and all that encompasses it. Every piece is a part of my makeup and is essential to my well-being. My well-being...that is what started all of this.

I had a breakdown a few months ago, sometime last summer. My world had gotten hazy. I had become that shell that I said I wouldn't. Living out my days in a negative vortex that I couldn't escape. It took a very large fight with Matt, and several hours of hysterics, to have the realization that I am devastated over Henry's diagnoses.

Heartbroken. Overwhelmed. Angry. Fearful. All things I was afraid to feel.

The first year is hard and a whirlwind of trying to survive. We had gotten to a place with Lily where she is manageable and wants to manage a lot herself. With Henry, we were back at square one. Being a toddler, diabetes is like running as fast as you can in a dream, yet getting nowhere.

I made some promises to myself right at the first of the year. A few things happened over the last year and a half when my world was turned upside down again. I was not happy in my heart. I was trying so hard to survive and be the person I thought I should be, that I lost the person I am. Don't do that. Ever. You are good enough just the way you are. Don't change. Don't grieve the way other people think you should grieve. Take on your feelings in the same way you take on this disease...if there is one thing I have learned loud and clear it is that denial will destroy you. It destroyed me years ago and almost destroyed me again. You can't run from this disease. It's there all the time. You can't take a vacation because it is every second of every day that your child needs to be managed. You can't just say, "hey...let's take off for a few hours and just forget about this." Nope. Still there in the background. For the longest time, I thought I was being negative but I wasn't. I am being real. Never feel bad for being real.

I made some changes in my life. I am surrounding myself with the people that I feel good around, not around the ones I feel judged by. I am spending time with my children and my husband...these days are precious and they are just getting older. I am getting healthy by exercising, eating right, working on my emotional side of things, and finding my faith for the first time. I won't let diabetes suck the life out of me again. It almost did when I ignored what I was feeling for years. It slowly ate away until I lost everything and there was no other way to go except up. Once I got back up, we had another diagnoses and I had no idea it would have the same effect on me. I am continuing to rise though a little more each day. I slept through the night last night for the first time in months and it is the first time in years that I didn't wake up in a panic that one of the kids had died because I slept through an alarm. I will not let fear take over.

Be kind to yourself. Know that you are always loved. I shrunk my world again. I have simplified and allowed myself the time it takes to heal...because guess what, you do heal. You don't spend every second hating diabetes and being sad. It becomes the new normal. I promise. Avoiding it makes it worse. Embrace your feelings. I have spent so much time in the past few months feeling bad for who I am and how I handle things. I don't get invited to much anymore and you always wonder if it's because of all that comes along with being me. I'm not always sunny but guess what, the sun goes down every single day and the world doesn't rises again in the morning. Every. Single. Day.  It is what makes me human. I won't feel bad for that ever again. The people that matter to me love me unconditionally. I open my heart to them and you do the same. You are not alone. Never be afraid to ask for help. You need the support. Find your village, your safe place, and hold them near. You need them. This disease takes a toll but you WILL heal.