Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Another Day, Another Disease...

Life is short.

Live life to the fullest.

Be thankful.

Live a life of gratitude.

I get it...

Sometimes though, life sucks. Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that no matter how hard you try, you can't find that silver lining right away. Sometimes you need to have a shitty day and roll with it without trying to shove daisies up your butt so you can bleed unicorns. That's today. And yesterday. And two weekends ago.

I can't protect my daughter from her body attacking itself. That's some serious shit. That's not losing a soccer game or missing a workout. That's not having big enough boobs or the right outfit to wear on a date. That's not needing a date night at all. That's a life...the life of my child.

I look at her and I want to scream. And cry. And pray. And smile. There are so many mixed emotions that come with a child with a disease...or three. I'm proud. I'm scared. I'm thankful she's here. I'm worried she won't be forever. I'm so in love with her that my heart can hardly take it. Sometimes I literally gasp for air when I think of her, or feel her skin, or listen to her voice. I feel like everything is on borrowed time.

I have not been in this place in exactly two years...since the last diagnoses. I do a very good job of not letting Diabetes or Celiac get us down. When I told Lily last night that she probably has another autoimmune disease, she said "It's okay. I'm used to getting things." Then she wanted to know when we were getting her new cleats. That was it. No big deal for her. I wanted to cry. And smile. And I was proud of her strength. I was ashamed of my inability to handle this well.

"It's just a pill, mommy."

"I know baby. I just want to know you are okay with it all."

"Of course I am."

She is so brave. So strong. So stable. So secure. So beautiful.

Lily has Hashimoto's now too. Thyroid. It was expected since these three go together regularly but it was still a blow to me. It was a blow because as her mommy, I worry about  her future and what other autoimmune diseases may be lurking in her shadows. I can't protect her from herself. It's frightening and it makes me feel helpless.

Today is not a day I am jumping up and down with delight just to be able to breathe. And that is OKAY. Life is NOT always roses and glitter. I am tired of making myself feel bad for having feelings and emotions...I am made of many layers and they come with many different feelings. They should be embraced. Tomorrow I will go back to my mantra that life is grand but today...today I will just be angry.