Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Damn Rain...

It's raining outside. And not the pretty, relaxing, lay in bed kind of rain. The dark, gloomy, uncertain kind of rain. I hate it. I have this HUGE window in my office so I can't even escape it today. And I can't escape my thoughts either. The damn rain.

The girls got home at 6:30. Eric's girlfriend was texting me throughout the trip to let me know their whereabouts. When the dogs started barking, I ran around to the front door and saw the top of a brown head of hair through the window. I opened the door and threw my arms around Lilyboo. She was so soft and squishy and squeezable. That moment, when I first put my arms around her, were priceless...there are no words for what a mommy feels at that moment. Abby was still in the car. I ran outside to get her and she, of course, flew from the driver's seat and was airborne into my arms. She is so tiny, I could wrap my arms around her four times! I always bury my face in Abby's red hair. I just love it. I was so excited to see them! So excited...

So, we ate dinner, snuggled up on the couch and watched cartoons. Then, they crawled into my bed and slept with me throughout the night. I was up at 11, 2, and 4 checking Lily's numbers. I am exhausted today but still on my reunion high. Lily's numbers are not in control at all. I am so worried about her being so high this past week. What if it is doing damage to her little organs? Her beautiful brown eyes? Ugh...I can't go there. I can't even bring my mind there. I fight every second of every day to NOT go there. So much of what I do everyday, things I obsess over, are a method of forgetting...trying to quiet the music that diabetes is...just for a minute even. When you see someone like me on the outside, all looks well. I am very put together, I am smiling, and I am at ease. Some of the time though, like today, I am fighting myself...fighting my thoughts that are battling in my head...over and over and over again. I could have stayed in bed this morning squished between my two babies all day long. Just feeling their little bodies next to me and hearing their breathing. It is so calming.

And to top it all off...I have not been on my best behavior in the romantic area...again. Thank God I have the most patient man in my life. What started off as a friendship rekindled, an outsider giving me advice on how to cope, turned into something much more and very unexpected. And it has been hard and will continue to be hard but it's worth the struggle in the end. He is teaching me so much.

I am trying to learn more control. I don't mean control as in controlling others...I have that down pretty damn good. LOL. I mean control of myself. As my boyfriend always says, I know what I want and I go for it...a lot of times without thinking first. And I go for it with such strength and passion that it can be overwhelming at times. So, today, I am trying to gain control of my thoughts and my emotions. I am trying to learn to be patient, to not worry so much, and to not try SO hard to see the future. I am trying to figure out how to just let things happen...let life happen and see where it takes me...and us. I am on auto-pilot most of the time and I need to learn to go into manual drive. Trying to slow things my like putting me in restraints. I need to flail and complain and freak out before I can actually breathe and relax. Ahhhhh. I am learning so much from the people in my life right now and I so appreciate it.


  1. Kim,
    your words are so real.... remember, you are human, take a deep breath.... one moment at a time...

  2. Hold on to those babies...and remember that you can stay in control for THEM :)

    Love that sleeping pic. I **love** cuddling my girls all sweet and in their jammies. I could stay there forever.

  3. I know Wendy. Best feeling ever!!

  4. AWWW...I like the full court-press ahead you Kim! You are amazing and brave. I love how real and honest you are in all of your posts. I appreciate that.

    Your openness to changes and to love is inspiring. Keep it up girl...

    Oh...and bummer on the numbers. You will get them back in range. What goes up...must come down (that is what I chant to myself when Joe's numbers are outta control). (((HUGS)))