Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just Random Thoughts Today...

I've been in a happy place. In fact, I spend the majority of my time in this happy place...because I choose to. As I have made it publicly aware, I have spent some time in the bad place of late as well. I hate the bad place. The bad place does not suit me well. The bad place gets me in trouble with myself and anyone around me. So, I choose to be happy, most of the time.

Things with Lily could NOT be better. She is back to her usual self. She is a happy little girl, running and playing and drawing and laughing. She is full of hugs and kisses and wise cracks....which I just love. She was in the back seat today and was commenting on how she hasn't seen her best friend in a while and she'd really like a play date. Then, she says "only I can't remember her name." I almost died. She is a hilarious child when she wants to be. And a dramatic child, and intense, and loving, and hurtful all in one. And this makes her Lily. And my GOD do I love her.

Abby is just as lovable. The second she opens her big, brown eyes and looks at you...it's all over. Her red hair, freckles, squeaky little voice...she can really work it. The boys had better watch out for this one.

I am feeling better each day in my new life. I feel more comfortable. I feel more secure. I feel more confident. I feel more like ME. The real me. The me that grew up on an air force base listening to Willie Nelson Christmas albums.  The ME that was happiest in a tank top, beat up jeans, flip flops and drinking a beer.

I am even loving being back at work. I feel important again! Not to say that I never felt important being a mommy to my babies...but once they got older and went to school, I was getting bored. I wouldn't admit that because like many things in my life at that time, I wasn't really aware of it.

I remember an ex-friend, casualty of the divorce, saying to me as she ended our friendship, " I don't know who you were trying to fool on Facebook with all of the comments about loving your husband and being so happy..." Hmmm. Well, obviously I was fooling myself, now wasn't I? How hard is that to understand? Life is never as easy as it seems. We all know that. We try our best to not fail...and to not give up. I would think that relationships fall in that category as well. And relationships are really scary. It's hard to put yourself out there, open yourself up, become vulnerable...knowing that you might get hurt.

But as I said before. I choose to be happy. I choose to wake up each day and be thankful for what I have, who I am, what I have accomplished in this life...and the fact that I am a good person. When it's all said and done, that's all that really matters.

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