Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Pin Down...

I have always wondered which event that Eric and I created, would traumatize my children. Well, that event happened this morning. Lily woke up AGAIN, second day in a row, with ketones over 3.5. I checked her BG at 4:00 AM and she was 175 so I went back to bed...happily. My alarm went off at 6 so I could get ready for work before the girls get up at 7. I strolled into her room at 7 and carried her to the living room, as we do every morning. I then went back for the little redhead and carried her out. Lily immediately started asking for water and my heart sank. I checked and she was 387 with high ketones. I was baffled. TWO mornings in a row, seriously?

I got a needle and got ready to inject her so I could actually SEE the insulin go into her body. She was not happy...and that is putting it mildly. So, I called my ex husband for reinforcement. I told Lily we were going to have to change her pod and put it on her tummy. Did I mention that she will ONLY wear it on her arm these days and she is getting some lipodystrophy because we aren't alternating sites enough? So...she starts whining and whimpering and telling me that it is NOT going on her tummy. No matter what. I, of course, being her mother and in charge of appropriate behavior from her, am getting more and more annoyed at this little attitude. I choose to wait for Eric before I lose my temper.

Eric gets there and Lily goes into a tail spin. She is screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, kicking, trying to bite me, flailing her arms all over the place. I was envisioning an Exorcism at this point. What the hell had possessed my child? We actually...and yes, I am admitting this to the entire DOC in hopes of no one else trying this at home...pinned her down, without a shirt, while we inserted her pod in her tummy. Meanwhile, she is biting, scratching, kicking, crying and clearly stating that she wants to die. Yes, my 6 year old wishes she was dead. She does not want diabetes, she hates herself, hates her family, hates God, and hates that I won't kill her so she can go to Heaven. I have been hearing a lot of this lately and it breaks my heart into smaller pieces with every word. We screamed, we yelled, we blamed her for being late to work, etc.

I am NOT proud of this morning. Eric is not proud of this morning. We officially have made the one event she will clearly remember as her parents losing it and being horrible to her. And we can't take it back. It's out there already and cannot be undone. I talked to her endo today at length (helps to work in the building) and he thinks she is internalizing and this is her way of dealing with our divorce. To him, she obviously thinks she is the reason for the split. That her having diabetes is why her mommy and daddy split up. How was this not obvious to us? We have been so self-involved that we have been blind.

So, Lily...if you ever Google your mommy in your lifetime and find this are NOT the reason for this split, diabetes is NOT the reason for this have done nothing wrong and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Sometimes grown ups screw up and sometimes grown ups just can't live together but there is NO reason we can't be better parents. We are so sorry.


  1. Kimberly, you and Eric did what you had to do to help her. She may not understand that now, but she will... someday... and hopefully sooner than later.

    I'm so sorry that Lily is having such a hard time. I pray that all of you find peace and happiness as well as good health.

  2. Thanks Val! It was definitely not our shining moment...and our endo told us that under NO circumstances are we EVER to pin her down. My heart is not only broken, shattered and crushed...but smushed too.

  3. I agree with Valerie. The endo said never to pin her down? Even if it means ketones? In any case, you are a great mom, and no matter how much screaming, yelling, and blaming may have gone on, you and Eric showed Lily that even though you are getting a divorce, you will come together out of love for her. I think that sends a huge message.

    I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when I have kids. You are SO courageous!


  4. Kimberly, as you know being a mom is heartbreaking at times. They didn't tell us that in the brochures!

    You did what you had to do. I got tears in my eyes when you said she said she wanted to die. I don't know how any parent would have handled that - and you absolutely are her rock. You made it thru that hellish moment, and now you are on the other side. You are amazing. Huge hugs from Va!

  5. Hi, I just stumbled onto your blog via FB. My name is Reyna...mother of Joe, he is 7 years old, diagnosed with type 1 4 years ago (at the age of 3 like your lovely daughter).

    I just wanted to tell you we have all been there. It is easy for your Endo to say "never pin your child down"...blah, blah, blah...but does your endo have a type 1 kid? You were doing the best that you could at that time. Don't beat yourself up over it. I have had to hold Joe down to cram sugar into his mouth (combative low) broke my heart. I thought being a parent was hard enough, you add "d" into the mix and man...I never dreamed it could be so difficult.

    Anyway, I like your blog and good to meet you!!!