The Pin Down...

I have always wondered which event that Eric and I created, would traumatize my children. Well, that event happened this morning. Lily woke up AGAIN, second day in a row, with ketones over 3.5. I checked her BG at 4:00 AM and she was 175 so I went back to bed...happily. My alarm went off at 6 so I could get ready for work before the girls get up at 7. I strolled into her room at 7 and carried her to the living room, as we do every morning. I then went back for the little redhead and carried her out. Lily immediately started asking for water and my heart sank. I checked and she was 387 with high ketones. I was baffled. TWO mornings in a row, seriously?

I got a needle and got ready to inject her so I could actually SEE the insulin go into her body. She was not happy...and that is putting it mildly. So, I called my ex husband for reinforcement. I told Lily we were going to have to change her pod and put it on her tummy. Did I mention that she will ONLY wear it on her arm these days and she is getting some lipodystrophy because we aren't alternating sites enough? So...she starts whining and whimpering and telling me that it is NOT going on her tummy. No matter what. I, of course, being her mother and in charge of appropriate behavior from her, am getting more and more annoyed at this little attitude. I choose to wait for Eric before I lose my temper.

Eric gets there and Lily goes into a tail spin. She is screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, kicking, trying to bite me, flailing her arms all over the place. I was envisioning an Exorcism at this point. What the hell had possessed my child? We actually...and yes, I am admitting this to the entire DOC in hopes of no one else trying this at home...pinned her down, without a shirt, while we inserted her pod in her tummy. Meanwhile, she is biting, scratching, kicking, crying and clearly stating that she wants to die. Yes, my 6 year old wishes she was dead. She does not want diabetes, she hates herself, hates her family, hates God, and hates that I won't kill her so she can go to Heaven. I have been hearing a lot of this lately and it breaks my heart into smaller pieces with every word. We screamed, we yelled, we blamed her for being late to work, etc.

I am NOT proud of this morning. Eric is not proud of this morning. We officially have made the one event she will clearly remember as her parents losing it and being horrible to her. And we can't take it back. It's out there already and cannot be undone. I talked to her endo today at length (helps to work in the building) and he thinks she is internalizing and this is her way of dealing with our divorce. To him, she obviously thinks she is the reason for the split. That her having diabetes is why her mommy and daddy split up. How was this not obvious to us? We have been so self-involved that we have been blind.

So, Lily...if you ever Google your mommy in your lifetime and find this blog...you are NOT the reason for this split, diabetes is NOT the reason for this split...you have done nothing wrong and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Sometimes grown ups screw up and sometimes grown ups just can't live together but there is NO reason we can't be better parents. We are so sorry.