I was so thankful this morning when I logged on to my computer and saw messages from fellow D parents and PWDs all offering advice on Lily. I have been in a little rut again the last couple of days. It is hard to deal with all of the emotions going on in my life right now and if it's hard for me, I'm sure it's triple as hard for the girls. I really started this day out moping yet again and after reading everyone's messages...was immediately uplifted by this community of online families living with diabetes (aka the DOC).
I keep going back to feeling like I don't have much of a support system in place anymore. I always have my family for sure. And I have Carolyn (also divorced) but she is in Europe. And Matt is always there...but not HERE. So, while I have been down this week, I have noticed that I don't have a huge list of people that I WANT to call. I have become so much more guarded in the last few months with all that took place amongst my group of former friends. I am constanly reminded of the "vanilla life" I led for so many years. These women with no flavor. Sure they had great lives...great husbands who made a ton of money, big beautiful homes, 2.5 kids, the finest china, all of the latest trends, the ability to stay home...the perfect existence...in their eyes. But I was not happy. I am not a "vanilla" person. I have realized that it wasn't just my marriage that was making me unhappy but my surroundings as well. I have never needed a 5000 sf house since I much prefer something cozy and intimate. I enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner on paper plates every now and then with a huge group of people. I don't find anything wrong with throwing a party and using plastic plates. I don't feel the need to be prim and proper at any given time of day. And damnit...I drank beer from a bottle in my wedding dress, on my wedding day and that is OKAY. I have a horrible habit of cursing and sometimes I put my elbows on the table. I tend to laugh really loud and get the giggles where I cannot breathe, especially if my sister is anywhere near me. I have a wild side...one that has been sleeping for years and has slowly been awakened. I am not as conservative as I have spent years pretending to be. I am full of all kinds of flavors...vanilla may be one of those with some more traditional values...but it is not the only one.
As much as I love throwing on a dress and stilettos to have a nice dinner out on the town at the newest restaurant...my favorite night I have had all year is when my boyfriend made me the best steak and baked potato dinner and we ate on TV trays and watched "The Hangover." It was MY perfect existence.
So, in this upcoming year, I plan to FINALLY listen to my father and choose my friends rather than them choosing me. I may have a small support system right now in Houston but it consists of people that know ME and love ME...not who they want me to be.