tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52196892046181604932024-03-13T12:40:17.227-06:00Meal MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-5280540392141447282020-05-12T13:52:00.003-06:002020-05-12T13:52:15.915-06:00The Shift...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
It's been a minute. Or two.<br />
<br />
This year was meant to be my year. I started strong. I landed my dream job with my dream team. Matt's business was picking up quite a bit. It was a new beginning after a rough year. I had taken steps after praying endlessly about the change we needed so much.<br />
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Then it all turned to shit, slowly but surely.<br />
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We had a loss. A devastating and surprising loss. It's the kind of loss that you can't reason with, can't understand...too painful to grieve but too painful not to. We lost our Paxie. I still can't believe it.<br />
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In February, we got the devastating news that she was diagnosed with ALS. Her own living hell basically consisted of being trapped in her own body. Her future was going to be full of wheelchairs, feeding tubes, breathing tubes-all the things she was terrified of. One of the last texts I received from her was "I am terrified."<br />
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She died a month after we found out. Her heart just stopped. She died during a global pandemic and her sons couldn't be by her side.<br />
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I loved her tremendously. Sometimes she drove me crazy because I was dead set on keeping boundaries. I have come to realize through so much of this that when I find someone that is a mother figure...when I start to feel love and trust, I tend to find reasons to pull away-oftentimes putting that blame on them. The details there are too much to share. When I think of Paxie, I think of Demi Moore in St. Elmo's Fire a lot.<br />
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She loved birds. She loved cardinals and believed they were people that had passed visiting. I do too. I hope she knew how loved she was. I hope she knows how much we miss her. I hope when the cardinals come to the birdhouse we hung in her honor, it's a piece of her.<br />
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She loved to decorate. She loved to craft and create beautiful pieces out of junk. She loved her husband, kids, and grandkids. She had plans. She told me through tears "I still have plans." She was unapologetic about who she was. I could tell her anything in the world and she would laugh or cry or bitch with me at the drop of a hat. I texted her all day with so many random thoughts and she always, always, always answered right away. I miss her like crazy. Daily. We are trying to navigate forward without her and it seems like too much.<br />
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The next waves came shortly after with another devastating diagnoses for our family, specifically my girls. This pandemic is NOT making that one any easier.<br />
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Then, I lost that dream job I mentioned. In one week I went from living the dream to living the nightmare. I will prevail. I always do because I don't know anything other than how to fight.<br />
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I keep feeling like we just get the heaviest of shit put on our laps-Matt calls it life. He's right. We have also been blessed beyond words with the love we have found in each other, the family we are raising, the friends we have been led to-growing in our faith together through it all. It may be time to take a bigger pause than this pandemic has provided, and figure out what I want from life. I am overwhelmed all the time trying to do it all. A breather may be needed. If I could learn to be still I think things will get easier. Being super type A isn't always easy. That's for sure!<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-20737177057382288682018-02-16T11:54:00.002-06:002018-02-16T11:56:26.657-06:00Beautiful Chaos...Clarity. My world is full of unknowns-things beyond my control. I live in a state of distortion most times and my energy is spent trying to gather thoughts and feelings and making sense of them.There are a few things I am so clear about today...this very moment. And I need to get them out. I keep waiting for things to settle down but it's been years and it isn't happening. My life is a beautiful but chaotic mess.<br />
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So I come back here, to my safe place.I was told to get these feelings out...put them out in the universe so my head will have some extra space. <br />
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My beautiful Lily-your tests came back normal and so far, your kidneys are fine. That scare scared us all. I don't want you to have one ounce of damage to your beautiful body. You have done so well-your doctor said you are the best managed patient she has. You know how special your body is and that it's the only one you get to take you on this ride. You are amazing and we are so proud of you. You handled this with grace as always. I on the other hand, I broke down. I carried this for weeks filled with fear. I am not sure I could handle one more thing on YOUR plate. Your hard work has paid off sweet girl.<br />
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My little redhead-I know these past few weeks have been so hard. Please know you are so loved and cherished by so many. One of life's greatest lessons is to realize your worth. It took me a long, long time to do this. You need to surround yourself with people that value your friendship and love you for who you are. Don't waste your time on people that you feel bad about yourself around. Don't waste time on people that show no interest in being around you. You are too precious for that. The best gift you can give yourself is being true to yourself. Don't conform-that round peg won't fit in that square hole pumpkin. There is a whole world out there for you. Find people that treat you with the same kindness you extend to them. People will come in and out of your life forever and the ones that stand out in their ACTIONS are the ones that you will have for life. I promise you that. You are fearfully and wonderfully made my sweet baby...don't ever forget that.<br />
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Henry-I have no words. With one look, you melt my heart. With one word, my heart explodes. You tell me you love me so many times a day and I hope it never stops. You have been working so hard lately not to be a stinker and I am so proud of you. You are my world little buddy. Keep those kisses coming forever and ever and ever.<br />
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Matt-my love. It's been a hard few weeks for us. I love you. I just love you. We have so much baby. Neither of us can stop and think about what all we have on our list of responsibilities or we fall apart. Neither of us can stop and think about what if diabetes wasn't here-it's too painful. We just function the best we can. And it's hard. It's so damn hard. Too hard. We make our lives the best we possibly can and it's pretty damn good. It's beautiful really. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone but you.<br />
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Everyone has struggles. Some are 24/7 like ours. Some are random. Some are self-inflicted. Some are hands we were dealt. Trying to stay focused and centered is WORK. One thing I have learned is that it's always up and down...and sideways and sometimes backwards. It always, always, always passes though. The rough times always pass. I guess that's my clarity.<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-48534931547841080162017-02-13T11:31:00.001-06:002017-02-13T11:31:50.890-06:00For the Newly Diagnosed...For the newly diagnosed...<br />
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I haven't written in so long that I am afraid to let the words out. I have been on an emotional journey the past few months, evaluating my entire life and all that encompasses it. Every piece is a part of my makeup and is essential to my well-being. My well-being...that is what started all of this.<br />
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I had a breakdown a few months ago, sometime last summer. My world had gotten hazy. I had become that shell that I said I wouldn't. Living out my days in a negative vortex that I couldn't escape. It took a very large fight with Matt, and several hours of hysterics, to have the realization that I am devastated over Henry's diagnoses.<br />
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<i>Heartbroken. Overwhelmed. Angry. Fearful. All things I was afraid to feel.</i><br />
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The first year is hard and a whirlwind of trying to survive. We had gotten to a place with Lily where she is manageable and wants to manage a lot herself. With Henry, we were back at square one. Being a toddler, diabetes is like running as fast as you can in a dream, yet getting nowhere.<br />
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I made some promises to myself right at the first of the year. A few things happened over the last year and a half when my world was turned upside down again. I was not happy in my heart. I was trying so hard to survive and be the person I thought I should be, that I lost the person I am. Don't do that. Ever. You are good enough just the way you are. Don't change. Don't grieve the way other people think you should grieve. Take on your feelings in the same way you take on this disease...if there is one thing I have learned loud and clear it is that denial will destroy you. It destroyed me years ago and almost destroyed me again. You can't run from this disease. It's there all the time. You can't take a vacation because it is every second of every day that your child needs to be managed. You can't just say, "hey...let's take off for a few hours and just forget about this." Nope. Still there in the background. For the longest time, I thought I was being negative but I wasn't. I am being real. Never feel bad for being real.<br />
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I made some changes in my life. I am surrounding myself with the people that I feel good around, not around the ones I feel judged by. I am spending time with my children and my husband...these days are precious and they are just getting older. I am getting healthy by exercising, eating right, working on my emotional side of things, and finding my faith for the first time. I won't let diabetes suck the life out of me again. It almost did when I ignored what I was feeling for years. It slowly ate away until I lost everything and there was no other way to go except up. Once I got back up, we had another diagnoses and I had no idea it would have the same effect on me. I am continuing to rise though a little more each day. I slept through the night last night for the first time in months and it is the first time in years that I didn't wake up in a panic that one of the kids had died because I slept through an alarm. I will not let fear take over.<br />
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Be kind to yourself. Know that you are always loved. I shrunk my world again. I have simplified and allowed myself the time it takes to heal...because guess what, you do heal. You don't spend every second hating diabetes and being sad. It becomes the new normal. I promise. Avoiding it makes it worse. Embrace your feelings. I have spent so much time in the past few months feeling bad for who I am and how I handle things. I don't get invited to much anymore and you always wonder if it's because of all that comes along with being me. I'm not always sunny but guess what, the sun goes down every single day and the world doesn't stop...it rises again in the morning. Every. Single. Day. It is what makes me human. I won't feel bad for that ever again. The people that matter to me love me unconditionally. I open my heart to them and you do the same. You are not alone. Never be afraid to ask for help. You need the support. Find your village, your safe place, and hold them near. You need them. This disease takes a toll but you WILL heal.Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-89605966128903982992015-08-04T11:57:00.002-06:002015-08-04T11:57:29.621-06:00Jenga...<br />
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<i>Stay calm...</i><br />
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<i>Breathe...</i><br />
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Each piece of my life right now feels like a piece of a Jenga game. Each emotion, feeling, event, and purpose are a delicate balance holding me together. Some people hold these pieces, and others I hold myself. With each turn, a new piece is ripped out and I may possibly come crashing down. The comfort comes from knowing I can be rebuilt.<br />
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<i>You are strong...</i><br />
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<i>You have done this before...</i><br />
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Nothing softened that blow. Who am I kidding? Tiny fingers on a tiny hand. A hand I hold everywhere right now unless I hear "I'm a big boy." Tiny little fingers that are being pricked five times a day right now and will be doubled in the next few months. For his entire life. It feels wrong to be doing this to him. He's so little. It keeps him alive and I have no choice. More pieces taken from me that leave me wobbly and weak.<br />
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<i>It is what it is...</i><br />
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<i>We move on...</i><br />
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Sadness, fear, blame, guilt, anger. These are all emotions for me that come with this. I will not sweep them under the rug and pretend they aren't there. I did that the first time. I can't do it to myself again. My kids need a whole person to lead them through life and not the shell I had become before. I am okay. I always get through. I always survive. What choice do we have really? They need us. They look to us for guidance on how to handle something of this magnitude. And Abby...where will she fit in all of this? The worry doesn't subside when you are a mommy.<br />
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<i>You are not alone...</i><br />
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<i>Ask for help...</i><br />
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This has never been easy for me. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and it will break me eventually. It will be the last piece. I know this.<br />
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I am a delicate stack of emotions right now. I will fall down piece by piece and I will build myself back up, piece by piece. My heart hurts for my children but I know from Lily what diabetes has given her...strength, perseverance, empathy, understanding, responsibility...the list goes on and on. I hope Henry finds the same things through how we handle this.<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-57094889279993394252015-05-05T14:19:00.003-06:002015-05-05T14:24:13.881-06:00Another Day, Another Disease...Life is short.<br />
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Live life to the fullest.<br />
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Be thankful.<br />
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Live a life of gratitude.<br />
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I get it...<br />
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Sometimes though, life sucks. Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that no matter how hard you try, you can't find that silver lining right away. Sometimes you need to have a shitty day and roll with it without trying to shove daisies up your butt so you can bleed unicorns. That's today. And yesterday. And two weekends ago.<br />
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I can't protect my daughter from her body attacking itself. That's some serious shit. That's not losing a soccer game or missing a workout. That's not having big enough boobs or the right outfit to wear on a date. That's not needing a date night at all. That's a life...the life of my child.<br />
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I look at her and I want to scream. And cry. And pray. And smile. There are so many mixed emotions that come with a child with a disease...or three. I'm proud. I'm scared. I'm thankful she's here. I'm worried she won't be forever. I'm so in love with her that my heart can hardly take it. Sometimes I literally gasp for air when I think of her, or feel her skin, or listen to her voice. I feel like everything is on borrowed time.<br />
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I have not been in this place in exactly two years...since the last diagnoses. I do a very good job of not letting Diabetes or Celiac get us down. When I told Lily last night that she probably has another autoimmune disease, she said "It's okay. I'm used to getting things." Then she wanted to know when we were getting her new cleats. That was it. No big deal for her. I wanted to cry. And smile. And I was proud of her strength. I was ashamed of my inability to handle this well.<br />
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"It's just a pill, mommy."<br />
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"I know baby. I just want to know you are okay with it all."<br />
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"Of course I am."<br />
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She is so brave. So strong. So stable. So secure. So beautiful.<br />
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Lily has Hashimoto's now too. Thyroid. It was expected since these three go together regularly but it was still a blow to me. It was a blow because as her mommy, I worry about her future and what other autoimmune diseases may be lurking in her shadows. I can't protect her from herself. It's frightening and it makes me feel helpless.<br />
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Today is not a day I am jumping up and down with delight just to be able to breathe. And that is OKAY. Life is NOT always roses and glitter. I am tired of making myself feel bad for having feelings and emotions...I am made of many layers and they come with many different feelings. They should be embraced. Tomorrow I will go back to my mantra that life is grand but today...today I will just be angry.Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-72180451163993714282015-02-03T14:45:00.000-06:002015-02-03T14:45:56.980-06:00Words and Imperfections...The last year has been a time of healing for me. I have slowly been peeling bandages that have held me together for far too many years...all for the sole purpose of healing wounds that have remained open for too long. Wounds that I tried to cover swiftly and without thought to the scars they would leave behind.<br />
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I started down this road last summer...stumbling down the path in hopes of finding some inner peace. I started reading some books on love and spirituality. I read books on forgiveness and healing. I read books on accepting your imperfections and learning to live a life of gratitude. I researched. I studied. For me, I find this peace and way of coping through words. It's how I learn. I use words to heal and comfort myself as well. It's my therapy.</div>
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Through this process I have peeled back these bandages and left my core open and raw. Things affect me differently. I have strong emotions and reactions. I am vulnerable. I can no longer find that woman that held everything together...all the time. I can no longer find the woman that cares to. </div>
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I am imperfect. I have huge flaws. I cry at almost anything nowadays. My soul has been touched. I have found that piece of me that I haven't seen in so many years...the one that can hurt...and love...and be afraid...and not be so PERFECT. I have ventured out of my perfectly wrapped self and opened my soul up a little bit. Just enough to be scared to death to be exposed but to feel so full of life. </div>
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I find myself gazing at my husband by my side and being so overcome with gratitude and affection for him being here...with all of his imperfections. I often find myself on the brink of tears just watching my girls do homework or Henry play with his little letters. It's such an amazing feeling to feel so much love in my heart. I feel like the world is so fragile and I need to capture every moment. I feel like I am finally finding some peace from the chatter in my head. </div>
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Words are powerful. Once they are released, they can't be taken back. Remember that when you are trying to communicate with people. It's what IS the chatter that can just as easily break us as it does make us. Somewhere along the way, I took very hurtful words and turned them into who I thought I was. I am much more careful now in how I handle things...I have finally learned to take some time and think about how powerful my language can be. I choose love...and I will never again let someone have the power over me to doubt that.</div>
Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-40292733165770022242013-12-17T16:23:00.002-06:002013-12-17T16:23:47.333-06:00Choices...<br />
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Choices are important. Choices are essential. Choices are worth fighting for.<br />
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Choices.<br />
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Sometimes having too many choices can cause stress. I always gave my children two choices when they were little.<br />
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"Do you want water or milk with dinner?"<br />
"Would you like me to read you a book or draw a picture?"<br />
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If you just say "What would you like to do?" it opens the door for some very indecisive and disruptive behavior. I wish things were that simple as an adult.<br />
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<br />I was raised in a society where women having choices was essential. It was important. It was worth fighting for. I would never want anyone to take away my right to make a choice. I have to be honest though, as a woman that is a mother, sometimes these choices make life <i>really</i> hard.<br />
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Along with the tons and tons of good things that come from staying home, you also have guilt for not working and contributing to the financial things your family needs to survive.<br />
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Guilt for putting it all on your husband to bring home the bacon.<br />
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Guilt for not using your education you worked so hard to get.<br />
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There are feelings of inadequacy.<br />
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Feelings of not being able to carry on a conversation at a Christmas party without it turning to butt cream and diaper rash. <br />
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When you work outside of the home, you have equally alarming feelings of guilt.<br />
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Guilt for missing the first word.<br />
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Guilt for leaving your child at a daycare for hours and hours.<br />
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Worry that your child is somehow going to be affected negatively for not having one of the parents at home.<br />
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As a woman, this pretty much all falls on you. You can't win most of the time because you are going to beat yourself up either way. There is no right answer. You do what is right for your family at the time. You do what makes you happy as well as your children. We have no way of knowing the exact answer.<br />
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As much as I love having all of these choices at our fingertips...I wish they didn't come with all of the emotion packaged in. I have been on both sides of the coin throughout my journey as a mom. Choices are important and essential but...having them can be even harder sometimes.<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-50954138686338752652013-12-13T10:00:00.002-06:002013-12-13T10:53:27.744-06:00The Critic...A few days ago, I walked into my bathroom to shower. I came out of the closet and there she was...my worst critic. She was saying things like, "Wow. Your tummy is a perfect little pooch. Your legs are a little jiggly and used to be so tight. You're so out of proportion now. Look at those dark circles under your eyes." <br />
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Right around the same time that I was getting this absolute beating of the soul, my husband texted me and said, "I am amazed by your beauty." It was at that moment that it hit me...women are so hard on themselves.<br />
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I turned to look at my worst critic and I vowed to do everything in my power to make her go away. I stared at her and I just wanted to cry. I was staring back at myself.<br />
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Where did this woman come from? I have always been confident. I have always been okay with my body. Why do I feel the need to be so perfect? I won't wear my clothes if you can see the tiniest imperfection in them. I try to wear very loose shirts so that you can't see my tummy. This same tummy that has this little pooch because it was busy growing three beautiful babies...one so recently that I still have the "seam" running down the center of where he sat for nine months.<br />
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The dark circles because I am up making sure my daughter is okay to make it through the night with her blood sugars.<br />
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My jiggly legs because I am trying to juggle a full time job, a new baby, two diseases, and a family...and still figuring out when to squeeze the gym in there.<br />
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I will get there again. I will stop my critic from slamming me. I will take my time and enjoy my life while I am still adjusting.<br />
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I truly believe in positive energy and the power of positive thoughts. I work hard every day to try to change my way of thinking. You get back from the universe what you give to it. The same goes for yourself. I'm still learning to accept me for me. Work in progress.Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-10766097620537770102013-11-21T09:26:00.000-06:002013-11-21T09:26:05.960-06:00The Recent Grad...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am a recruiter. I love what I do. Most of the time, I spend my day getting to know people, asking lots of questions and learning about their desires and dreams for their future. Sometimes, I come across the giant, ego-inflated asshole and it's funny to me that 99% of the time, they are someone with less than a year of experience under their belt, and feel very entitled to get things they don't yet deserve. So, after dealing with yet another cocky, young recent grad yesterday, I felt compelled to write an open letter to the recent grads out there:<div>
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Congratulations on getting your education. This is a huge life event for you and one to be very proud of. You have worked very hard and deserve all the things in the world. These things will come to you through more learning and more hard work. Let me remind you of a few things before you attempt to enter the workforce. I have spent my career finding people jobs that I hope they love. I have also spent my career working with the people that will hire you, or not, so here is my unsolicited advice... </div>
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This degree means that you made a goal for yourself and you reached it. This does not make you an expert in this field; only time gives you that expertise. Having a college education makes you more desirable because it shows that you achieved something you set out to do. It shows that you have learned how to be a student and you survived. It shows that you cared enough about yourself and your aspirations to better your success rate. You have indeed given yourself a step up from a few. Congratulations on this accomplishment.</div>
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Now this is important, so listen up. You are not the only person ever to have gotten a degree. This does not put you at the top of the list for this potential employer. It means you met a requirement. This does not give you the right to have an inflated ego and think that you know more than the person interviewing you. This will certainly put you at the bottom of the list. A lot of recent grads are deemed unhirable by some companies because of this very reason. Be the surprise, change the way these employers think by NOT being this person.</div>
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You are not going to walk off of the stage and into a $100K a year job having never worked in a professional environment. Be ready to roll up your sleeves and get dirty. You are probably going to be doing some grunt work that first year. Open your mind to it, learn through it, look up to your manager...find a mentor. <b><i>Be smart, not a smart ass</i></b>. The best thing you can do for your career in the beginning is be open to learning, be honest, be ethical, and make yourself valuable to your employer. You SHOULD be creative, a team player, flexible, and ready to be molded. You SHOULD NOT be a know it all or feel as though you are entitled to something. You are entitled to nothing but the paycheck you EARN. </div>
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By being young, energetic, and new you can bring a fresh approach to this potential employer. You have a lot to offer so don't screw it up by not being able to accept that you lack experience and have to work your way up...just like we all did. </div>
Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-69507334163972699622013-11-08T14:43:00.001-06:002013-11-08T14:43:05.764-06:00Clarity...<div class="headword" id="headword">
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clar·i·ty</h2>
<b><span class="main-fl"><em>noun</em></span> <span class="pr">\<span class="unicode">ˈ</span>kler-ə-tē, <span class="unicode">ˈ</span>kla-rə-\</span>
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</b><b>: the quality of being easily understood</b><br />
<b>: the quality of being expressed, remembered, understood, etc., in a very exact way</b><br />
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<b>: the quality of being easily seen or heard</b></div>
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I realized something this afternoon. I have absolute clarity. There is no question. I am totally lucid. For the first time...maybe ever...I am completely clear-headed. I don't even know what to do with that thought, or feeling. I have lived most of my life with some sort of chaos. Then it hit me at the gym, on the elliptical. I am not unhappy, with pretty much anything. That is HUGE. That requires a beer.</div>
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I am married to the love of my life.</div>
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I have three beautiful children and that is finally complete.</div>
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I love my job...like LOVE it love it. </div>
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We have a beautiful house and a beautiful life.</div>
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I have awesome friends and I live on a street where I can walk around the circle and stop at each house and have a beer. The girls can ride bikes safely.</div>
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My family...we have all come so far in being a family.</div>
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My new family (i.e. Matt's family) is all I have ever longed for...brothers and a new sister, a crafty and ultra cool MIL that I can shoot the shit with. </div>
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I wouldn't change a thing about this life. And I wouldn't change a thing about the life I had because it led me here. I learned. I grew. I came out okay. I came out better. </div>
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I was reading through some of my old blogs and what an amazing journey I was on. It is a journey that so many people go through and stumble through...how you come out on the other end is what matters. I took a lot of criticism for being so "public" about it all. That's who I am though and I am happy I was, because I learned from that too.</div>
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<br />Clarity is awesome and powerful and comforting. My little heart is so full! Damn 40 rocks. </div>
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Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-40730072149894816122013-11-07T17:02:00.001-06:002013-11-07T17:02:22.508-06:00To Apple...<br />
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If anyone from Apple is listening...<br />
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It would be greatly appreciated if you could tell me how to find, and turn off, whatever parental control type thing you have built into your AutoCorrect. It is highly irritating to me that my phone keeps changing my shits to shots and fucks to ducks. I am irritable right now and find some solace in venting via text to whoever is willing to listen to my rant about <i>oh</i>...stupid drivers, bill companies, the smell of dogs, the line at Whataburger (DO NOT JUDGE), etc.<br />
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You see, I have been clinically diagnosed with PMDD (basically PMS on crack) and it is THIS very week that I am in the throws of this pain in the ASS condition. When someone cuts me off and I find myself about to implode and fire off a text to my bestie to tell her all about it, I want the words to ring true. To continually have to delete the words you are sensoring (or whatever it is doing), makes me throw my phone in hopes of breaking it...only my darling husband has bought me a LifeProof case so I can't even break the phone...which causes more angry texting.<br />
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I just want to curse at my leisure.<br />
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<b>So stop "ducking" with me.</b><br />
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<i>What is PMDD? It's a real thing, believe it or not. AND IT DUCKING SUCKS.</i><br />
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<i>Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_syndrome" title="Premenstrual syndrome">premenstrual syndrome</a> (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luteal_phase" title="Luteal phase">luteal phase</a> of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cycle" title="Menstrual cycle">menstrual cycle</a> (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Steiner_6-0"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder#cite_note-Steiner-6"><span>[</span>6<span>]</span></a></sup>
On average, the symptoms last six days, with the most intense symptoms
happening in the two days before through the day of the start of
menstrual blood flow.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-7"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder#cite_note-7"><span>[</span>7<span>]</span></a></sup></i><br />
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</i><i>Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Steiner_6-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder#cite_note-Steiner-6"><span>[</span>6<span>]</span></a></sup> Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Steiner_6-2"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder#cite_note-Steiner-6"><span>[</span>6<span>]</span></a></sup> Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-womenshealth_8-0"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder#cite_note-womenshealth-8"><span>[</span>8<span>]</span></a></sup></i><br />
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</i><ul>
<li><i>Feelings of sadness or despair, or even thoughts of suicide</i></li>
<li><i>Feelings of tension or anxiety</i></li>
<li><i>Panic attacks</i></li>
<li><i>Mood swings or frequent crying</i></li>
<li><i>Lasting irritability or anger that affects other people</i></li>
<li><i>Lack of interest in daily activities and relationships</i></li>
<li><i>Trouble thinking or focusing</i></li>
<li><i>Tiredness or low energy</i></li>
<li><i>Food cravings or binge eating</i></li>
<li><i>Trouble sleeping</i></li>
<li><i>Feeling out of control</i></li>
<li><i>Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain</i></li>
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The symptoms occur during the week before menstruation, and go away
once it starts. A diagnosis of PMDD requires the presence of at least
five of these symptoms</i>Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-88246100186834924762013-11-06T13:34:00.002-06:002013-11-06T13:34:25.453-06:00Grateful...My love comes in all forms. It hits me at the hardest of times and brings tears to my eyes at any given second.<br />
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It's so strong. It's so primal. It's the best and scariest and most vulnerable thing that I have ever experienced...motherhood.<br />
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My love for my children is amazing. It's different for each child. I feel differently in my heart when I look into each set of eyes. The hopes are different. The worries are different. The fears are different.<br />
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It's hard to balance it all. It's just so much sometimes. I feel guilty, a lot. I shouldn't but I do. Am I more focused on one and not enough on another? Am I harder on one and too soft on another? Am I scarring them for life somehow? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Is there enough of me to go around? It's endless.<br />
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Children are God's greatest gift. There's no other explanation for the feelings that come with them when they enter your life. It's indescribable to someone who has never had them. It's impossible to think of someone hurting one that they have had.<br />
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I am so overwhelmed today with the love I have for them. My three precious little gifts. I strive to be the absolute best mommy to them that they can imagine. I see the love in their eyes when they look at me. I feel their love when, even at 10, my oldest grabs my hand in a parking lot. They want to "cuddle me" all the time. Please don't ever let that go away.<br />
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Just feeling very grateful today for what I have. My mark on this Earth...my three little babies.<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-64445213197752644952013-11-04T12:41:00.001-06:002013-11-04T12:41:17.945-06:00NovemberThis is a post from 2011 but I wanted to share it again. It's one of my favorites. November is awareness month. Diabetes has been weighing on my mind a lot lately...lots of events in the past month with pump malfunctions, a few scares, the walk, etc. Being six years in, the pain of it all doesn't hit me as much as it used to, but when it does it feels like a fresh wound...not a new wound but one I am used to and with each time it is reopened, the wisdom I have now sometimes makes it worse. There are constant reminders. The fact that Lily can never get a break...ever...EVER. Well, that is heartbreaking for a mom to know.<br />
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I can only hope that all of my posts and all of the times that I have shared the symptoms might one day help someone.<br />
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Love to all!<br />
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From 2011:<br />
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Innocence is something that every child should have and hold on to
for as long as possible. Innocence is what allows them to feel free of
responsibility, and allows them to live in a creative world that they
have created. A world full of dreams, hopes, fairy tales and adventure! I
love to watch my girls as they engage in pretend play! They get lost in
the world they have fantasized, much like I do when I find a really
good book.<br />
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When I think of someone's heart, someone
like mine, I think of a quilt. From the time I was little, until the age
I am now, I have collected patches along the way. With each heartache, I
have had to patch up that part of my heart. It still works the same, it
just looks and feels a little different.And the patches hold. Some
people have very few patches and others have enough to make a quilt. I
think that each heartache you experience makes your quilt that more
beautiful. It is hard to get through the tough times but they make us
who we are. And how we get through those times determines, for me,
whether or not your patch holds. <br />
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I wear a patch on my
heart that has a huge blue circle on it, as does my daughter, her father
and her sister. Pretty much anyone that loves her wears that same
patch. I am sad that the kids lost a tiny bit of innocence with this
patch but I know that it is going to be a part of their quilt later in
life. <br />
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November is Diabetes Awareness Month. I am
hoping that each and every one of us that deals with this disease daily
can at least educate a few individuals on what it is and what it is NOT.
Lives can be saved just by knowing the risks, lives can be improved by
knowing how to manage it properly, and lesson can be learned on how to
cope.Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-2089317990482756722013-10-31T14:13:00.000-06:002013-10-31T14:16:38.097-06:00The AftermathYour body is a car. That's what I tell my girls. They have to keep it in good shape and fill it with good fuel. You can see the metaphors here.<br />
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It's a vehicle that carries us through life.<br />
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It's what we were given. The only ones we were given. There are some things we can control, and some we cannot. We must take care of it always or we will have no way to navigate through this life...this wonderful, amazing life. What you put in is what determines how you run. I take pride in the fact that the girls want to look "athletic" and "healthy." They see people that make bad choices and ask questions. I answer the best I can. They have some insecurities about their bodies and it's natural. Lily thinks she is too short and Abby thinks she has big feet. "There are some things we cannot control and be thankful that you can date short and tall guys, and be thankful that stores will probably always have your size shoe," I say. I get eye rolling. I would expect nothing less.<br />
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I have got to get myself back to this simple thought. I used to eat pretty clean. I used to exercise a lot. I took good, good care of myself. Since I went back to work full time I have slacked in all areas. I have let it all go since getting pregnant in January 2012, and again in August 2012. I want to look healthy and athletic. Not perfect. I want to feel good all the time. I want that boost of energy.<br />
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I saw the ad the woman put on Facebook that said "What's Your Excuse?" and I didn't think she was a bully. I didn't think it was inappropriate. It made me THINK...STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!! She looked beautiful. <br />
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She works <i>hard</i> to look like that both in the gym and in her kitchen. My excuses are valid. I have 3 beautiful children that morphed my tight little abs into a mush of jello. I work. I have issues getting to the gym in the morning mainly because of Henry or work stuff. BUT...I am making the choice to continue letting my workout be the thing that is always postponed. I make the choice to eat ice cream and burgers and fajitas and wings, regularly. I am on the cusp of stopping these choices. I am RIGHT THERE. So, I am putting myself out there so that I need to it...and I have the support I need to do it. The accountability.<br />
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There will always be an excuse: work, kids, diabetes kept me up, running late so I'll grab fast food. I need to get my ass in gear and there is no better day than Halloween.<br />
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Wish me luck!<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-60367540781275268072013-10-28T15:19:00.001-06:002013-10-28T15:21:01.727-06:00A Time To Reflect...I left my 30's yesterday. Forever. It kind of sneaked up on me. It's funny...birthdays don't mean the whole world to me anymore. <br />
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So much has happened in the last few years that have led me to really take a look inside myself. I have been in an exploratory mode for a while now. I am learning. I am a work in progress. I appreciate that. I invite that. I am finally able to listen to myself and trust myself. I have always had good instincts but could talk myself out of what I knew was right, time and time again.<br />
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I watch friends and family going through huge life changes right now and I feel for them. Any sort of big change or big decision is wearing. I think it ages you more than actual years do. The back and forth in your head, the mind games you play with yourself...it's exhausting. I have been there and done that and now I am learning how to manage myself. That's what happens at 40, you evolve into the <i>real</i> adulthood.<br />
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I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel more secure. I feel more confident. I am happy with my life. I am happy with my decisions. I don't have regrets. I don't do things to make me regret them because I have learned how to live an honest and fulfilling life, for my children, my husband, and myself. I am not as selfish as I used to be and I have a low tolerance for others that are selfish.<br />
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I am still faced with some hard disappointments and acceptance of those disappointments. I am still learning who my friends really are. I have FINALLY grasped the concept my parents taught me at 5 years old, "Choose your friends wisely." I have discovered that my friendships have evolved as well. We don't see each other as much. We are with our young families. We treasure every minute we have with them. I am also realizing that I need some distance from some friendships. My time is valuable. I do not pass judgement. But I have strong moral values and those will remain in tact. My dear friend out of state, LP, helped teach me this...if it isn't a positive friendship for your marriage and the way you live your life, move on.<br />
<br />
I have placed myself in a position to be happy. That was a choice. It was not luck and it was not by accident. I made sound decisions to make my world a better place and in turn, my children have a better world. I am responsible for their memories. For their molding. That is not something I take lightly. They view the world through my eyes right now and it better be a nice picture. This is not something I could have realized ten years ago.<br />
<br />
So, I think 40 will be good. It will be more relaxing and more enjoyment of what I have in front of me. I will always reflect and grow because I enjoy that. I like to challenge myself and question myself and continue to be a work in progress. I will continue to seek a positive environment. I might even give meditation a chance, thanks to my wonderful brother-in-law. It might help me make more sense of the chatter that goes on inside my very busy head.<br />
<br />
Forty is great. I have one day of experience and I'm doing pretty damn good so far. I look forward to what the year has in store for me. Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-25636010524906551982013-10-07T11:15:00.002-06:002013-10-07T11:15:20.556-06:00Six Wonderful and Amazing and Emotional Years...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibxWTHUchXO8fPGqG6md1iuQESS5fz1uVTFLLbPEA4q6QKISa-GVTGh0h-MKIO3C4o03HSUOwV1fo5aYP3Ym6yUPX2uR8RTWNOUbFfC_iYaScaxEnL8Gpc_LBFqPQWez8J8v5eK8AW2G4/s1600/IMG_0167.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibxWTHUchXO8fPGqG6md1iuQESS5fz1uVTFLLbPEA4q6QKISa-GVTGh0h-MKIO3C4o03HSUOwV1fo5aYP3Ym6yUPX2uR8RTWNOUbFfC_iYaScaxEnL8Gpc_LBFqPQWez8J8v5eK8AW2G4/s200/IMG_0167.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Right before diagnosis, October 2007</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
To my hero...my beautiful, vibrant, hilarious, 9-year-old daughter Lilyboo,<br />
<br />
For six years now I have watched you grow into a little lady. A seemingly perfect blend of maturity and innocence. I have woken up to your beautiful face smiling at me. Whether you are rolling around sideways in your bed with your hair all messed up, or you are running full speed into my bedroom at 7 AM, you are there.<br />
<br />
Alive. Breathing. Growing. Living. Being a kid, my kid. My hero.<br />
<br />
You are almost 10 so it may seem weird that I have said "For six years now." I wasn't so sure this would happen when you were 3 and we found out you had Type 1 Diabetes. Every horrible thought that a mother should never think, I had. Every ounce of worry that you wouldn't wake...it was there. It still is sometimes.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I look at you and with no reason whatsoever, I tear up. It's so hard to take in...the severity of it all. The beauty in being your mother. The amazing little person you have become. You think I'm nuts pretty much all the time because of these tears. It embarrasses you but you still smile, and blush, and feel very, very loved. The thought of not having you is too much so I don't think about it often. If I did, I couldn't live.<br />
<br />
You are going to finish 4th grade at the top of your class, as you always do. You are going to start really liking boys soon (God help us all). You are going to want to stay alone in the house after school one day in the next few years. You are going to babysit Henry. You are going to learn to drive...and go to school dances, and hold someone's hand. You are going to go to college one day. And I am going to cry even harder when you do. You will get married and wear your namesake's beautiful watch and carry her handkerchief down the aisle on your daddy's arm. You will have beautiful children and love them like I love you. You will cry too. A lot. You are so much like me. We are two peas in a pod. You will do all of this despite your disease.<br />
<br />
Today, we celebrate six years of your living.<br />
<br />
I love you so much Lilyboo. I am so thankful for every breath you take. I am so proud that you don't let diabetes dictate who you are. Or Celiac for that matter. You have come so far in six years...we all have. We will never stop fighting and we will all remove our tattoos when you are cured. I believe that and so do you...it will happen. Until then, keep living my precious, beautiful baby.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
MommyKimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-53500445149501324682013-09-17T14:31:00.004-06:002013-09-17T14:31:41.325-06:00Learning to Breathe...<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Me as Bree for Halloween</i></span></td></tr>
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<i>Breathe....something so simple that I forget to do constantly.</i><br />
<br />
I used to be Bree Van de Kamp. No lie. I was the mom that had so many balls juggling in the air that it was shocking one never dropped. I was on the PTA, served on boards, chaired galas, was Room Parent, chaired Walk Committees, started support groups, ran an online business, got my Masters degree...all while raising two beautiful girls...all at once. I was seemingly perfect. On the outside anyway.<br />
<br /><br />
I don't really remember if it was hard to keep all of that going. I was operating in robot mode. I was going through every motion. I was having fun and I was semi-present but I was not happy. I was in survival mode. I was in a marriage that was falling apart and I had a daughter that had been diagnosed with a disease. And I was more together then than I am now.<br />
<br />
I have spent the last few years trying to find that "Supermom" woman again. These past few days it has hit me that she is gone. I can't do it all anymore. I try. Instead, every extra ball I try to juggle hits me square in the head. What do I make of this? It's life. And I need to slow down and breathe. <br />
<br />
I replaced some of those balls with happiness. I have a husband that I love and want to spend time with. I don't want to be away all of the time at meetings. I don't want to be glued to my desk.<br />
<br />
I work. I have a job that I love. It is demanding and challenging and can be stressful, but I love it. Working from home has challenges. Finding the separation between work and home is hard. Being able to walk away from your office each evening is hard. It takes discipline. <br />
<br />
My husband said something to me the other day that made so much sense. He told me that multitasking is overrated. What it really means when you multitask is that you aren't as focused on something as you should be. I used to pride myself in being a great multitasker. Nowadays, multitasking is leading me to failure on many ends. I am not present every day.<br />
<br />
I don't want to be in robot mode. I want to be in the moment. When I sit down with my children, I want to give them 100% of my attention. I no longer want to be sitting with them and they are saying repeatedly, "Mommy look, mommy look, mommy..." and I am staring at a screen of some sort and half hearing what they are so excited to tell me. It is eating me up inside. If I give them a mom that is present and in the moment and <i>focused</i>...they will have the "supermom" <i>they</i> want. Not the one I think they need. They see me now with all of my imperfections. They see me struggle. They see me laugh. They see me cry. They see me fight. They see me work...hard. They see me fail. They see me apologize and take ownership when I do. They see ME, not Bree Van de Kamp. That's what I want. <br />
<br />
So here is my promise to myself.<br />
<br />
I will slow down.<br />
I will learn to breathe.<br />
I will learn to stop and smell life...<br />
<br />
Because it's not always roses. <br />
<br />I will be the best I can be for my family and hopefully, they can accept that.<br />
<br />
<br />
Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-15310113824535629442013-09-05T08:06:00.000-06:002013-09-05T17:09:51.597-06:00The Special Child...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
To my middle child, my sweet Abigail Lauren, <br />
<br />
My beautiful red head...<br />
<br />
You are special. You are special in more ways than I can count. Your smile is contagious. The dimples on your cheeks run deep like the love in my heart when I see them come out. I can get lost in your freckles...and love seeing the new ones pop up every day.<br />
<br />
You squeal with delight pretty much all day long. It is rare that you aren't doing something fun, or being someone fun. You are usually the brightest light in the room. People flock to you my little turtle. You have the gift of gab and you don't sit still pretty much ever. You're like mommy in that way. <br />
<br />
I never want you to feel forgotten or left behind. I never want you to feel like you don't have a special place in your family. You are still my baby and always will be. You are my favorite red head. I love it when you caress my hair around my face the whole time you talk to me. This is your way of demanding 100% of my attention. You make sure I am looking you in the eye. It melts my heart...every time. You are strong and confident and want big things in life. Just please don't tell me again that you will "dance for money" in college. You made my heart stop. You have no idea what that means and I hope you never find out. I am not raising you that way.<br />
<br />
You are so special to me and to everyone around you. You don't need to be the baby or have a disease to be special. I hope you know that. You are special, Abby, because you are YOU! And never ever change. Your spirit is a breath of fresh air.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
MommyKimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-11489650898086223252013-09-02T20:57:00.001-06:002013-09-02T20:57:40.068-06:00Reality or Imagination?"But the trouble with getting what you've always wanted is that once you have it, you have to worry that you'll lose it. And the more you tamp down that fear, the more it comes out in funny ways." -Libby, <u>The Lost Husband</u> by Katherine Center.<br />
<br />
When I read this book, that one line literally made me scream, "Yes, THAT!" out loud at the car wash. It was a moment of pure understanding. I am a worrier. I work very hard not to worry. If I don't have something to worry about, that worries me. My imagination can be a very scary place. I tend to go to the worst case scenario in my head. I wasn't always this way. Not at all. I think I can trace this back to October 7, 2007...the day Lily was diagnosed.<br />
<br />
Something changed that day. I went from being a believer that bad things happen to other people, to being a realist that bad things happen to anyone. It is out of our control. That was very hard for me...something being out of my control. So began the path of my worry.<br />
<br />
I have spent the last couple of years really trying to live in the moment and not let my mind wander to the hell of my imagination. I succeed at times and I fail at times. The hardest part is understanding that some of these nasty scenarios I conjure up are in fact a little too close to what could be a reality.<br />
<br />
Diabetes. The big demon. The thing that hangs over my head and forces me to live in constant fear for my daughter...for our family. I found a little bit of peace and then JUST. LIKE. THAT...I am slammed into the concrete wall of reality blended with imagination again. My daughter will die without insulin...after a short period of time without insulin. She will DIE. I can't say that sentence with the proper inflection to show it's importance. No one gets the severity of that statement. The truth. It's not fair. It makes me angry.<br />
<br />
We had a huge storm in Houston a couple of months ago. I sat in my car staring at the huge puddle in front of me and I was forced with a decision, do I drive through and take that risk or risk being stuck where I was? I looked in the rear view mirror at Lily's beautiful face. I looked around...no convenience store, nothing. I had one milk to treat a low. What if I was stuck for hours? She could have a seizure. She could DIE. So I drove through that puddle and we made it home. The fear comes out in funny ways. That strikes me. Was I being dramatic? Possibly. But could that have happened? Absolutely.<br />
<br />
Lily went without insulin for a few hours the other day...less than 6. She was vomiting as her body poisoned itself. A few hours. That hit me harder than I would ever let on. If we were to be lost while hiking and not be found for a few days, she would die. It baffles me still.<br />
<br />
So, we just keep living. It's all we can do. I will continue to worry. I will continue to drive around and think about idiotic things like if a plane crashed on an island...how would I keep her alive? We need a cure. Yesterday. So we can all have some peace for our imaginations. Or is it reality?<br />
<br />
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<i>Our Reality...</i></div>
Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-5438494200927032062013-08-31T09:42:00.003-06:002013-08-31T09:43:18.641-06:00A Letter to the Worst Disease Ever...My Dearest Diabetes,<br />
<br />
You are at it again. As soon as we get slightly comfortable, you rear your ugly head. Is this meant to be a reminder that you are strong? To remind us that we cannot slack? To let us know that yes...you are still here and not going away? Do you think after six years your antics still work? Let me tell you something about the strength of this family...<br />
<br />
We will beat you every time. You may knock us down for a brief moment in time but I can ASSURE you, we will get back up. And we will get back up stronger than we were before we fell. So, enough with your bullshit.<br />
<br />
Waking up in the middle of the night to the vibrations of a failed Dexcom...then waking up this morning to a failed pump with very high ketones and the threat of DKA...you had us for a bit. But as I sit here typing you this letter, I am listening to my beautiful, vivacious, loving little girl laugh with her sister. So screw you Diabetes. We prevail again.<br />
<br />
You cannot make us weak. You cannot make us feel sorry for ourselves. You cannot make us quit. You will not take her life or her spirit. In fact, all you do with your shenanigans is show Lily exactly how strong she is and that she can conquer anything. We have a fantastic life full of love and hope...nothing you do will ever break that. Give up.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Lily's Mommy and greatest fan<br />
<br />
<i>P.S...thank you to my amazing husband for yet again being the voice of calm when I am dying inside from panic. I love you with all of my heart.</i>Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-75383032016625720862013-08-30T16:32:00.003-06:002013-08-30T16:32:38.517-06:00Coming Together...There were pieces missing for so long; the parts were continuously moving and wouldn't click together the way they were supposed to. It's hard to live that way. You get one piece put into place and it seems to push another piece a little further out. So many moving parts. It's exhausting. It's draining. It's an uphill climb day in and day out...for everyone around you. I couldn't figure out what was missing or how to make my life fall into place.<br />
<br />
I had become this melancholy and timid person that was surrounded by and giving into negativity. I had to get out. I have learned so much about myself in the last year of my life. First, I don't do conflict well. I have to be in a harmonious environment, both personally and professionally. That was key to my happiness.<br />
<br />
Changes had to be made. I was scared though. I couldn't find the courage to change so it was easier to stay in the vortex that was spinning me around. <br />
<br />
Then it all stopped. There was no more fear as it was replaced with love...again. In the last year I lost a baby, and thankfully, gave life to one as well. My pieces finally stopped moving when Henry came. He was the missing piece that molded the puzzle together. He was meant to be in our lives. My husband was meant to be in our lives. I was meant to quit my job finally and take that plunge...Henry gave me that push. My family is complete. Nothing is out of place now. I smile in my heart. All. Day. Long. <br />
<br />
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<br />Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-79622259217351150102012-10-07T08:54:00.003-06:002012-10-07T09:04:36.383-06:00Five Years...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I can't believe it's been five years. It feels like so much longer...much, much longer than five years.<br />
<br />
I will never forget that weekend. It was the weekend of the Greek Festival and we had been very busy. We spent that Thursday evening with friends at the Festival dancing, singing...and taking multiple trips to the Port-A-Potty. Lily went through a few sippy cups of water that night. She was dancing like any crazy 3-year-old would when there's a live band. It was 100 degrees. I didn't think much of it.<br />
<br />
I had been telling my friends that she had been tugging at her panties all week. Her Mother's Day Out teacher had mentioned it and her grandmother had as well. They suggested I take her to the pediatrician the next morning to see if anything was going on. So, we got up that Friday morning and headed to the doctor. I told him about the panties and that I was concerned she had a yeast infection maybe. He checked her externally and sent us home. He didn't find anything wrong.<br />
<br />
That evening, I told Lily's dad about the visit. He was upset that he didn't do a urine test since she may have a urinary tract infection. I had never mentioned the multiple trips to the bathroom and the excessive thirst from the night before. It didn't seem out of the ordinary to me except in hindsight after her diagnoses.<br />
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We woke up that Saturday morning and got ready for a birthday party. We made what we thought would be a pit stop at the pediatrician to have a urine test done. I spent a LONG time trying to get my toddler to pee in a cup. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. We sat and waited for what seemed like an eternity for the results to come back. We were late for the party now and I was not happy. Lily sat in her leotard playing quietly. The doctor came in with a sullen look on her face. She said that Lily had high levels of glucose in her urine which usually meant type 1 diabetes. My ears got all fuzzy. I couldn't make out what she was saying. Diabetes? What had I fed her for breakfast? Did she have a lot of sugar? She asked about excessive thirst and urine...my mind went straight to the Greek Festival at this point. Her blood sugar was in the 300's. This wasn't normal. This was high. My mind couldn't process anything. My heart was racing. I knew something very scary and bad was happening at this minute but I didn't understand what. I knew of diabetes but I knew nothing about it. At this point, we were sent to the ER. Her daddy took her while I went home with her almost 1-year-old sister. I waited and waited calling her dad every few minutes for updates.<br />
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They sent him home. She had no ketones yet. They sent her home...this still baffles me. Her blood sugar was very high and they sent her home. Space issues. Her daddy brought her home and was angry. He comes from a family of physicians and he knew EXACTLY what was going on. He understood. I was in denial. He had her pee on a ketone stick and it was dark maroon...VERY high ketones present. She was in danger of going into DKA. I only get this now.<br />
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He went back to the ER. I got a babysitter and followed. Within a couple of hours, she was admitted and was given a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Insulin forever. Shots forever. Finger pricks forever. Counting carbs forever. Fear of Dead In Bed Syndrome forever. I didn't shed a tear except once in the shower. A defense mechanism. I had to be her rock. I had to get her through this. I had to make it okay. She was scared and confused and didn't understand why we were hurting her multiple times a day by piercing her skin with needles. It took us a few days to realize that the lancet device (that you check her fingers with) from the hospital was very painful. It was taking two nurses to hold her down while I checked her fingers. How the fuck was I going to do this alone for the rest of our lives? Someone gave me a new "popper" as we called it. She didn't flinch. She was fine. She didn't even wake up when I checked her anymore. Damn hospitals. Damn me for not knowing enough. Things got better from that point on. We did research. We learned how to count carbs. We learned the facts about type 1. We learned that she can lead a normal life. We learned that yes, she can eat cupcakes and pizza at parties. She just needs insulin. She is powered by insulin.<br />
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With that, we also learned the fears and worries. We learned that Lily couldn't just go to school anymore. She couldn't be dropped for playdates. We learned that some friends weren't willing to include her in activities because of their fear of the disease...or they didn't want to deal with it. We learned who were true friends as well.<br />
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So much has come from diabetes, both good and bad. The bad is obvious...my child has a shitty disease that has a mind of it's own. If you try to control it, you will spend life chasing your tail. If you don't try to control it, you will lose your child. After five years, it is part of my life. It's part of my thoughts. It has become a part of our life that is there and always thought about but not obsessed over anymore. It's part of our routine. The first year or so it was all we did. All we thought about it.<br />
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The good...well, Lily is a more mature, passionate, considerate, sympathetic, courageous, and brave little girl because of what she has been through. She thinks life is precious. She is right. She has plans. She has a future. She knows she is special. She is very much her own person. Nothing makes her change who she is. If she meets a friend that she feels isn't a good friend, she quietly moves on. She wants no part of the drama little girls create. She is so confident and that is the best gift this little girl could have. She is a hero to so many people. She chooses to live her life and love her life. She has tons of questions about diabetes and why she has it, why people are sad when their kids get it, etc. There are so many teachable moments as a parent with her. She gets it. She gets life.<br />
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Lots to say today. This is always a very emotional day for me. There is a break in my past. I see pictures from our trip to Martha's Vineyard and that is our last vacation before the big D. There's a line in my history. Before diabetes and after. I pray every day that a cure is found but I have to say, I am not always so full of hope. It seems so far off. It is so far off. I have learned to not lean on the hope of a cure too much...I try to focus more on teaching Lily how to LIVE with this and how to keep herself healthy always. I try to teach her how to make good choices. It's working...the kid won't eat fast food and wants to exercise. She thinks being too skinny is a sign of being unhealthy. She sees people that are grossly overweight and she asks me why they made bad choices. Teachable moments. It's a fine line.<br />
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Bottom line, I love my baby. I am proud of her. I am proud to be her mother. We are a team. We are closer than close can be. She is my hero.<br />
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Please click on the link to vote for me for Top Mommy Blogs! Just a click is all!
<a href="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/" target="_blank" title="Best Mommy Blogs"><img alt="Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!" border="0" height="50" src="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/directory/images/banners/tmb-200x50_vote_banner.gif" width="200" /></a>Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-57629424816279703112012-09-14T12:49:00.002-06:002012-09-14T12:49:53.740-06:00Chronicle Blog<br />
I have been writing on my blog for the Houston Chronicle site so you can read there!<br />
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<a href="http://blog.chron.com/mealmommy/">http://blog.chron.com/mealmommy/</a><br />
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Please click on the link to vote for me for Top Mommy Blogs! Just a click is all! <a href="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/" target="_blank" title="Best Mommy Blogs"><img alt="Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!" border="0" height="50" src="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/directory/images/banners/tmb-200x50_vote_banner.gif" width="200" /></a>Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-80790388917386674082012-09-08T08:14:00.000-06:002012-09-08T08:14:06.568-06:00To Be Inspired... Inspiration: The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative: "flashes of inspiration".<br />
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Being inspired is a little flash of life. A reminder that you are ticking and need to keep ticking. I was inspired last night. I kept it quiet while it was happening. I was enjoying a movie but thinking to myself the whole time...acknowledging this pull that was happening. The story was pulling my heart in a direction that it has been pulled so, so, so many times in my life. The Words. A movie about stories that only the deepest and meaningful words can tell. Words travel through my mind incessantly. They stream together into little stories. A poetic journey in my head and heart. I have to write. I love to write. I have a hole in my life when I am not writing. Why have I never REALLY tried this? Fear is why. It's something I love so dearly and if I failed...then what?<br />
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So, the movie ends and my love and I go sit down to finish our drinks. He looks at me and says, "Were you thinking what I was thinking the whole time?" I stared at him blankly and said, "No clue. Tell me what you were thinking." He said, "That you need to be writing and that's what's missing. I miss waking up to see what you wrote the night before."<br />
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I smiled and almost started crying. I was not surprised at my reaction. One, because it's yet more proof that this is the man I am meant to spend my life with. No one understands me like him. Second, he was so very right. For someone else to validate what I was feeling was very emotional for me. Still is. He has encouraged me to acknowledge this inspiration and to try to overcome my fears and have some fun with it. Words are free. It costs me nothing to try to follow a dream. I have no idea what to write or how to start but I am going to continue to allow myself to tick and find the passion and put it into words.<br />
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Please click on the link to vote for me for Top Mommy Blogs! Just a click is all!
<a href="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/" target="_blank" title="Best Mommy Blogs"><img alt="Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!" border="0" height="50" src="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/directory/images/banners/tmb-200x50_vote_banner.gif" width="200" /></a>Kimberlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12505716507907327496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219689204618160493.post-73462636393292955522011-12-06T17:00:00.000-06:002011-12-06T17:00:36.202-06:00It's Official! I haven't written a post in SO LONG. I have been so busy traveling and parenting and working...and well, just living life happily.<br />
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I read a great post today about letting your children live with diabetes. We have Lily's quarterly appointment in the morning and I am dreading it. I always wonder if her A1C has gone up. How are we doing with her management? Is she at risk for long term complications?<br />
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Then, I get on Facebook and see more blue candles. I chose not to change my picture this time. I said a prayer for the family of the last victim of diabetes. And I shut down. It's just too much sometimes to carry all of that worry. I check her several times a night usually and keep on top of her. I am having trouble in the dinner carb counting area and getting her postprandial numbers under control after dinner. That's my current nemesis. But I worry constantly about her teen years. It seems as though a lot of the deaths are happening between the ages of 11-21. I don't know why. It just scares me. So it was nice to read this <a href="http://despitediabetes.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/another-d-candle-day-how-is-a-mom-to-let-her-child-with-diabetes-live-her-life/#comment-564">post</a> and have someone else verbalize what I am feeling most of the time!<br />
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On a lighter note...it's official...this D Mama is getting married!!! My love proposed last Friday at the airport in Tucson...on one knee and all in front of the world. It was amazing and romantic and I am just so damn happy! :) I'm excited to get our life started as a hitched couple! Of course...I can't stop staring at the sparkler either. Life is grand my friends.<br />
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Please click on the link to vote for me for Top Mommy Blogs! Just a click is all! <a href="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/" target="_blank" title="Best Mommy Blogs"><img alt="Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!" border="0" height="50" src="http://www.topmommyblogs.com/directory/images/banners/tmb-200x50_vote_banner.gif" width="200" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0