The Need

Twelve years. That's how long I was with my ex. Twelve years. We grew up together....well, in the years that you actually DO grow up. We met in our early twenties. I am four years older. We met walking our dogs. His 5 week old puppy attacked my 6 month old puppy. A few years after we met, he told me that he used to see me sitting on my balcony and wanted to meet me so he started walking his puppy in my courtyard. I thought that was so romantic.

I'm not really sure when things went wrong. I knew that things were never 100 percent right. We both did. We both had a lot of realizations after we split. And things just started falling into place right away...for us both. His job picked up, he started really working out again, started smiling again and having fun with his life. I started to get passionate about working, having more patience with my girls, not making my whole focus in life be diabetes...and for a while, I started really smiling again.

We have both moved on. And it's good. And we support each other. And we support our kids. And we are still a team as the parents of these beautiful little girls. But I haven't noticed until recently, the last few days, that I have absolutely no idea how to be single. I am so used to being with someone for twelve years. I am used to the way I communicate with him, the way I exist with him, the way I felt with him...so I need to learn to be SINGLE.

I have been seeing someone. Someone who is special. Someone that I care about. Someone that I have done nothing but push away. I have pushed him away because I have forgotten how to be desired. All I know at this stage in my life is how to be a couple. That's it. So, I am learning. And it's not easy. But I feel good today. I feel good because I woke up this weekend. I realized that I AM single. I am free to do whatever I want. I am free to feel however I want. I am free to see whoever I want. I realized that I am vulnerable. I am so open to hurt and to be mislead, but I don't need to be a couple. I don't need to be needy. My ex would laugh at that statement because he told me just a couple of weeks ago that I seemed a bit needy and I LOST it. I mean, full on, wrath of evil, lost it. That is the WORST thing someone could call me. BUT OH MY GOD IT'S TRUE! I have been the one thing that I hate more than anything else in the world...needy. Ugh...I feel like I need a detox, or a shower. I need to shed myself from this need to be needed. It's horrible. It's pathetic. It makes me irrational. It makes me...NEEDY. Like I have said before, it takes me a while to find my way but I do find it. And I stumble terribly while I am following the path to where I'm supposed to be but damn it I get there every time...in one piece, with a solid mind, and my feet planted firmly on the ground. Hopefully, nothing knocks me over again.