I have always taken pride in the fact that neither of my children have EVER seen me shed a tear. This is not because I think crying is wrong, or weak, it's because I don't want to scare them. I don't want them to think their world is collapsing. Afterall, they look to me to see how they should react.
I was thinking about this on the way home from work yesterday. I was thinking about the negative place my mind has been living the last few days. I wear these thoughts in every expression I have. I have never been a good liar nor have I ever been able to cover up what is going on in my thoughts. If I am angry...you will know. If I am upset...you will know. If I am happy and excited...you will definitely know. What you see is what you get because there really isn't much of a filter there. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but at least people always know where they stand with me. So, I was thinking about the girls, and diabetes especially. I was thinking about when Lily was first diagnosed, how it was my mission in life for her to not think this was a death sentence...or even something bad. So, we celebrated...a lot. We had a HUGE party when she started her pump and invited all of her friends to come bounce and eat cupcakes. This is what I meant when I said in another post that my focus is gone. I have been dwelling. I have been having a pity party and going through the motions of hating diabetes. I have made it sound awful when in reality...my child is ALIVE. She is HEALTHY. She runs, she plays, she screams, she laughs, she reads, she draws and she grows...just like every other kid out there. And yes, she checks her blood sugar and wears a pump and counts carbs. And that sucks for her. BUT...my attitude needs to shift back to the celebration if I want hers to.
Lily's 3 year Diaversary was October 7th. We forgot it. It was just another day that went by in our busy lives. I couldn't believe we forgot. How could we forgot a day that changed everything we knew? The day that literally changed the course of our lives. So, it brought me back to celebrating. I picked up Lily from school and told her that we just had her diabetes birthday and we needed to make diabetes a cake or something. She wants Lego Cupcakes. She is excited! We have friends coming over tonight and we are celebrating...we are not celebrating the fact that she has a disease but the fact that this disease has not claimed her. So, when she asked me what the party was for, I said, "We are celebrating your life."