I feel like I have been wearing a huge, heavy, layered blanket for quite some time. It makes it difficult to walk, it makes it difficult to dance, it makes it difficult to breathe at times. Yet, I lug it around day after day because it's been there for so long...I quit noticing it. This blanket has kept me from doing many things that I have wanted to do. It seems like lately, I have been shedding a few layers here and there. I wake up each day feeling just a bit lighter than I did the day before. Sometimes this makes me overjoyed and other times, it makes me really scared and lonely...and feeling half dressed. It makes me want to grab on to my blanket and make sure it stays securely wrapped around me...so I can stay in control of what gets under it. The key word there is CONTROL.
After our little pinning down episode yesterday, and talking to Lily's doctor...I realized that controlling anything is not a good thing. The fear of losing control, and being vulnerable to something, is almost too much for my type A personality to bear. So, if I feel something slipping...taking on a life of it's own...I dig in deeper and deeper trying to get it back where I wanted it to begin with. This has gotten me absolutely nowhere in my life, yet I still do it. It is second nature at this point. So...my goal for as long as it takes, is to release this control and let go of my blanket...if I do not, I fear I will break my daughter's spirit, I will turn my girls into the people that I want them to be and not who they are MEANT to be, and I will lose people I love....that's the most fearful part of all.