There have been so many changes in my life in the last six months. So many. Too many. And I am just now feeling like I am getting my head wrapped around things in my everyday life. I am starting to feel like I am not so clouded when it comes to single parenting or being alone. Tonight, I stayed in without the girls...I went to Central Market earlier and got food. I opened a bottle of Malbec, made a delicious butter lettuce salad with tomato, feta, garbanzo beans, olive oil, salt, pepper, and sesame sticks. I made penne pasta with a bacon, tomato, basil and garlic sauce. I have a cherry pie in the oven cooking as I write. And yes, I am home alone. And it's wonderful. I am finally OKAY with needing a break. I am not Superwoman.
I have done so much thinking in the last couple of weeks that I am exhausted mentally. As a working mother of two very active little girls, one being diabetic, my days and nights are full. There is not a lot of time to unwind. When they go to bed, I am still up doing finger checks, calculating insulin, etc. It would be SO easy for me to be a very grouchy, very negative, very difficult person to be around. The way I see it though, I have a choice. I have a choice to let diabetes run my life or to let it be a part of my life. I choose the latter.
Lily made a wish this weekend. We passed a fountain...one that clearly was not meant to throw money in but hey, I let them anyway. She played with her penny, twisted it around in her fingers, closed her eyes, and said "I wish for a cure." Then, she threw it in. Most children would wish for a toy, a trip, a play date, etc. My daughter, my innocent 7-year-old little girl, she wished for a cure for diabetes. This is not the first time that I have heard her make this wish...and it won't be the last. And let me tell you, it will never get easier. I have just learned to not let my girls see my heart breaking with each word. I have learned to suck in a deep breath, pat her on the head, and say "Let's eat" like it's any other wish. Then, I sit down at the table with a multitude of needles, insulin, alcohol wipes, calculators, log books, lancets, monitors, etc. while the waitress politely looks away while I test Lily. It's second nature to us. It's a lifeline. Do I choose to feel sorry for us? Sometimes. Do I choose to let it ruin my day? Never.
The way I see it...with any parent who has a child with anything health-related whether it be allergies, autism, cancer, ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, heart disease, ODD...you name it...there are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour...it takes me all of 5 minutes in one hour to manage her diabetes. The 30 seconds it took for her to throw that penny in were awful, heart-wrenching seconds. The other 50 minutes of our lunch were fun. If I CHOOSE to not look at MY situation this way, in tiny increments of our life, then I will go crazy. I will be depressed. I will spend my time obsessing over trying to change something that I have ZERO control over.
So, I have spent quite a lot of time lately thinking about the choices I have made regarding how I feel daily, how I choose to live my life, how I choose to treat others even when I am having a terrible day...I choose to accept that this is what I have: a beautiful family made up of two of the most beautiful, creative, challenging, lovable, affectionate, smart, funny little girls, one of which takes a little more time to manage but the alternative is unbearable. I have realized that I am deserving of a break at times. I am not a super mom. I am a human being. I need to refuel. I need to have time to myself. I need to be around people that are positive and happy in their lives...no matter what comes their way. So, I have my day, I hear the wishes, I come home and refuel...I write to get it off of my chest...and I move on to tomorrow. What other option is there anyway?