Friday, January 28, 2011

The Guilt...

I took today off of work and went to the girls' school for the morning. Abby had a pj's and pancakes party and I volunteered to help the teacher with centers in Lily's class. It was so nice to just be a mom again for the morning! I haven't been up to the school ONCE this year. The WHOLE year, like since August. For those of you that know me personally....this is just weird.

Ever since my girls started school at the age of 2, I have been a fixture in their classrooms. I have served on every board, planned every party, been room parent countless times, been gala chair, President of a mom's name it. It was my job...stay at home mom. I have a little too much energy to just stay home so I kept myself super busy with volunteering. That way, I was always with the girls too. It was great!

Then, I got divorced and went back to work full time. This is bittersweet. On the one hand, I LOVE going to work. God how I have missed having a JOB and using my MIND every day. I've missed going to an office, having adult conversation all day, and a paycheck! I even missed the clothes!

On the other hand, I was really sad for part of this morning. I sat in Abby's class on the circle rug with her in my lap. As I looked around, I realized that these moms are in the class a I was. They all know each other well. They all do things together. They volunteer for every party. I am THAT mom now. You know the one...the one that no one really knows. The "OHHHH....THAT'S Abby's mom" mom. I felt a yearning to have that life back...if even just for a week! It is GUILT. I feel guilty. I said it. It was the same once I got to Lily's class. The moms in there volunteer frequently. They had the routine down. I was clueless.

Now that I am back home and relaxing and have had time to think, I realize that I shouldn't feel guilty at all. I have stayed home for seven years. My girls had me that whole time...100% of me. And they still do, except for the hours they are in school. I am lucky enough to get off of work at 3 so that I can get them from school. It was one of my stipulations when interviewing. I am doing what I need to do in order to take care of them and myself. And I am satisfying a part of me that had been left behind for years. I have a love of knowledge and a need to really utilize my brain! It's like makes you feel so good. So, why the guilt? It's normal. I did a complete 180 and they are used to seeing me on campus all the time. After this year, they will be more used to the idea that I am not there all the time. I can always take a couple of mornings off a year and volunteer in their classes. I don't need everyday off though for sure! Have a great weekend! I am solo this weekend so I plan to try to catch up on sleep and do some Skyping with my love!!


  1. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Once Joe was diagnosed, I stopped working full time and I am fairly involved in his classroom and I am around for Bridget as I am able to be as well. Love that you are so open and honest in processing your progress and your thoughts and feelings on your progress! Have a great w/e too.

  2. Dont feel guilty baby.....I love you and I think the world of you and your girls. You are an awesome mom and a wonderful girlfriend to me. I love you with all that I am and hope that one day you can have that life back. Until then, we will go down that road together and make it all work out for you and your precious little souls.

  3. @Reyna, Thanks girl! It has been hard to not be so involved but I have really enjoyed working too. I think it's the job...building a diabetes center. I am not much more passionate about anything else! @Matt, I love you too Boo. Thanks for always supporting me baby.