Choices...

Choices are important. Choices are essential. Choices are worth fighting for.

Choices.

Sometimes having too many choices can cause stress. I always gave my children two choices when they were little.

"Do you want water or milk with dinner?"
"Would you like me to read you a book or draw a picture?"

If you just say "What would you like to do?" it opens the door for some very indecisive and disruptive behavior. I wish things were that simple as an adult.

I was raised in a society where women having choices was essential. It was important. It was worth fighting for. I would never want anyone to take away my right to make a choice. I have to be honest though, as a woman that is a mother, sometimes these choices make life really hard.

Along with the tons and tons of good things that come from staying home, you also have guilt for not working and contributing to the financial things your family needs to survive.

Guilt for putting it all on your husband to bring home the bacon.

Guilt for not using your education you worked so hard to get.

There are feelings of inadequacy.

Feelings of not being able to carry on a conversation at a Christmas party without it turning to butt cream and diaper rash.

When you work outside of the home, you have equally alarming feelings of guilt.

Guilt for missing the first word.

Guilt for leaving your child at a daycare for hours and hours.

Worry that your child is somehow going to be affected negatively for not having one of the parents at home.

As a woman, this pretty much all falls on you. You can't win most of the time because you are going to beat yourself up either way. There is no right answer. You do what is right for your family at the time. You do what makes you happy as well as your children. We have no way of knowing the exact answer.

As much as I love having all of these choices at our fingertips...I wish they didn't come with all of the emotion packaged in. I have been on both sides of the coin throughout my journey as a mom. Choices are important and essential but...having them can be even harder sometimes.

The Critic...

A few days ago, I walked into my bathroom to shower. I came out of the closet and there she was...my worst critic. She was saying things like, "Wow. Your tummy is a perfect little pooch. Your legs are a little jiggly and used to be so tight. You're so out of proportion now. Look at those dark circles under your eyes."

Right around the same time that I was getting this absolute beating of the soul, my husband texted me and said, "I am amazed by your beauty." It was at that moment that it hit me...women are so hard on themselves.

I turned to look at my worst critic and I vowed to do everything in my power to make her go away. I stared at her and I just wanted to cry. I was staring back at myself.

Where did this woman come from? I have always been confident. I have always been okay with my body. Why do I feel the need to be so perfect? I won't wear my clothes if you can see the tiniest imperfection in them. I try to wear very loose shirts so that you can't see my tummy. This same tummy that has this little pooch because it was busy growing three beautiful babies...one so recently that I still have the "seam" running down the center of where he sat for nine months.

The dark circles because I am up making sure my daughter is okay to make it through the night with her blood sugars.

My jiggly legs because I am trying to juggle a full time job, a new baby, two diseases, and a family...and still figuring out when to squeeze the gym in there.

I will get there again. I will stop my critic from slamming me. I will take my time and enjoy my life while I am still adjusting.

I truly believe in positive energy and the power of positive thoughts. I work hard every day to try to change my way of thinking. You get back from the universe what you give to it. The same goes for yourself. I'm still learning to accept me for me. Work in progress.

The Recent Grad...

I am a recruiter. I love what I do. Most of the time, I spend my day getting to know people, asking lots of questions and learning about their desires and dreams for their future. Sometimes, I come across the giant, ego-inflated asshole and it's funny to me that 99% of the time, they are someone with less than a year of experience under their belt, and feel very entitled to get things they don't yet deserve. So, after dealing with yet another cocky, young recent grad yesterday, I felt compelled to write an open letter to the recent grads out there:

Congratulations on getting your education. This is a huge life event for you and one to be very proud of. You have worked very hard and deserve all the things in the world. These things will come to you through more learning and more hard work. Let me remind you of a few things before you attempt to enter the workforce. I have spent my career finding people jobs that I hope they love. I have also spent my career working with the people that will hire you, or not, so here is my unsolicited advice... 

This degree means that you made a goal for yourself and you reached it. This does not make you an expert in this field; only time gives you that expertise. Having a college education makes you more desirable because it shows that you achieved something you set out to do. It shows that you have learned how to be a student and you survived. It shows that you cared enough about yourself and your aspirations to better your success rate. You have indeed given yourself a step up from a few. Congratulations on this accomplishment.

Now this is important, so listen up. You are not the only person ever to have gotten a degree. This does not put you at the top of the list for this potential employer. It means you met a requirement. This does not give you the right to have an inflated ego and think that you know more than the person interviewing you. This will certainly put you at the bottom of the list. A lot of recent grads are deemed unhirable by some companies because of this very reason. Be the surprise, change the way these employers think by NOT being this person.

You are not going to walk off of the stage and into a $100K a year job having never worked in a professional environment. Be ready to roll up your sleeves and get dirty. You are probably going to be doing some grunt work that first year. Open your mind to it, learn through it, look up to your manager...find a mentor. Be smart, not a smart ass. The best thing you can do for your career in the beginning is be open to learning, be honest, be ethical, and make yourself valuable to your employer. You SHOULD be creative, a team player, flexible, and ready to be molded. You SHOULD NOT be a know it all or feel as though you are entitled to something. You are entitled to nothing but the paycheck you EARN. 

By being young, energetic, and new you can bring a fresh approach to this potential employer. You have a lot to offer so don't screw it up by not being able to accept that you lack experience and have to work your way up...just like we all did. 

Clarity...

clar·i·ty

noun \ˈkler-ə-tē, ˈkla-rə-\

: the quality of being easily understood
: the quality of being expressed, remembered, understood, etc., in a very exact way

: the quality of being easily seen or heard

I realized something this afternoon. I have absolute clarity. There is no question. I am totally lucid. For the first time...maybe ever...I am completely clear-headed. I don't even know what to do with that thought, or feeling. I have lived most of my life with some sort of chaos. Then it hit me at the gym, on the elliptical. I am not unhappy, with pretty much anything. That is HUGE. That requires a beer.

I am married to the love of my life.

I have three beautiful children and that is finally complete.

I love my job...like LOVE it love it. 

We have a beautiful house and a beautiful life.

I have awesome friends and I live on a street where I can walk around the circle and stop at each house and have a beer. The girls can ride bikes safely.

My family...we have all come so far in being a family.

My new family (i.e. Matt's family) is all I have ever longed for...brothers and a new sister, a crafty and ultra cool MIL that I can shoot the shit with.

I wouldn't change a thing about this life. And I wouldn't change a thing about the life I had because it led me here. I learned. I grew. I came out okay. I came out better. 

I was reading through some of my old blogs and what an amazing journey I was on. It is a journey that so many people go through and stumble through...how you come out on the other end is what matters. I took a lot of criticism for being so "public" about it all. That's who I am though and I am happy I was, because I learned from that too.

Clarity is awesome and powerful and comforting. My little heart is so full! Damn 40 rocks.

 

To Apple...

If anyone from Apple is listening...

It would be greatly appreciated if you could tell me how to find, and turn off, whatever parental control type thing you have built into your AutoCorrect. It is highly irritating to me that my phone keeps changing my shits to shots and fucks to ducks. I am irritable right now and find some solace in venting via text to whoever is willing to listen to my rant about oh...stupid drivers, bill companies, the smell of dogs, the line at Whataburger (DO NOT JUDGE), etc.

You see, I have been clinically diagnosed with PMDD (basically PMS on crack) and it is THIS very week that I am in the throws of this pain in the ASS condition. When someone cuts me off and I find myself about to implode and fire off a text to my bestie to tell her all about it, I want the words to ring true. To continually have to delete the words you are sensoring (or whatever it is doing), makes me throw my phone in hopes of breaking it...only my darling husband has bought me a LifeProof case so I can't even break the  phone...which causes more angry texting.

I just want to curse at my leisure.

So stop "ducking" with me.


What is PMDD? It's a real thing, believe it or not. AND IT DUCKING SUCKS.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.^[6] On average, the symptoms last six days, with the most intense symptoms happening in the two days before through the day of the start of menstrual blood flow.^[7]
Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant.^[6] Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD.^[6] Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include^[8]

• Feelings of sadness or despair, or even thoughts of suicide
• Feelings of tension or anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Mood swings or frequent crying
• Lasting irritability or anger that affects other people
• Lack of interest in daily activities and relationships
• Trouble thinking or focusing
• Tiredness or low energy
• Food cravings or binge eating
• Trouble sleeping
• Feeling out of control
• Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

The symptoms occur during the week before menstruation, and go away once it starts. A diagnosis of PMDD requires the presence of at least five of these symptoms

Grateful...

My love comes in all forms. It hits me at the hardest of times and brings tears to my eyes at any given second.

It's so strong. It's so primal. It's the best and scariest and most vulnerable thing that I have ever experienced...motherhood.

My love for my children is amazing. It's different for each child. I feel differently in my heart when I look into each set of eyes. The hopes are different. The worries are different. The fears are different.

It's hard to balance it all. It's just so much sometimes. I feel guilty, a lot. I shouldn't but I do. Am I more focused on one and not enough on another? Am I harder on one and too soft on another? Am I scarring them for life somehow? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Is there enough of me to go around? It's endless.

Children are God's greatest gift. There's no other explanation for the feelings that come with them when they enter your life. It's indescribable to someone who has never had them. It's impossible to think of someone hurting one that they have had.

I am so overwhelmed today with the love I have for them. My three precious little gifts. I strive to be the absolute best mommy to them that they can imagine. I see the love in their eyes when they look at me. I feel their love when, even at 10, my oldest grabs my hand in a parking lot. They want to "cuddle me" all the time. Please don't ever let that go away.

Just feeling very grateful today for what I have. My mark on this Earth...my three little babies.

November

This is a post from 2011 but I wanted to share it again. It's one of my favorites. November is awareness month. Diabetes has been weighing on my mind a lot lately...lots of events in the past month with pump malfunctions, a few scares, the walk, etc. Being six years in, the pain of it all doesn't hit me as much as it used to, but when it does it feels like a fresh wound...not a new wound but one I am used to and with each time it is reopened, the wisdom I have now sometimes makes it worse. There are constant reminders. The fact that Lily can never get a break...ever...EVER. Well, that is heartbreaking for a mom to know.

I can only hope that all of my posts and all of the times that I have shared the symptoms might one day help someone.

Love to all!

From 2011:

Innocence is something that every child should have and hold on to for as long as possible. Innocence is what allows them to feel free of responsibility, and allows them to live in a creative world that they have created. A world full of dreams, hopes, fairy tales and adventure! I love to watch my girls as they engage in pretend play! They get lost in the world they have fantasized, much like I do when I find a really good book.

When I think of someone's heart, someone like mine, I think of a quilt. From the time I was little, until the age I am now, I have collected patches along the way. With each heartache, I have had to patch up that part of my heart. It still works the same, it just looks and feels a little different.And the patches hold. Some people have very few patches and others have enough to make a quilt. I think that each heartache you experience makes your quilt that more beautiful. It is hard to get through the tough times but they make us who we are. And how we get through those times determines, for me, whether or not your patch holds.

I wear a patch on my heart that has a huge blue circle on it, as does my daughter, her father and her sister. Pretty much anyone that loves her wears that same patch. I am sad that the kids lost a tiny bit of innocence with this patch but I know that it is going to be a part of their quilt later in life.

November is Diabetes Awareness Month. I am hoping that each and every one of us that deals with this disease daily can at least educate a few individuals on what it is and what it is NOT. Lives can be saved just by knowing the risks, lives can be improved by knowing how to manage it properly, and lesson can be learned on how to cope.

The Aftermath

Your body is a car. That's what I tell my girls. They have to keep it in good shape and fill it with good fuel. You can see the metaphors here.

It's a vehicle that carries us through life.

It's what we were given. The only ones we were given. There are some things we can control, and some we cannot. We must take care of it always or we will have no way to navigate through this life...this wonderful, amazing life. What you put in is what determines how you run. I take pride in the fact that the girls want to look "athletic" and "healthy." They see people that make bad choices and ask questions. I answer the best I can. They have some insecurities about their bodies and it's natural. Lily thinks she is too short and Abby thinks she has big feet. "There are some things we cannot control and be thankful that you can date short and tall guys, and be thankful that stores will probably always have your size shoe," I say. I get eye rolling. I would expect nothing less.

I have got to get myself back to this simple thought. I used to eat pretty clean. I used to exercise a lot. I took good, good care of myself. Since I went back to work full time I have slacked in all areas. I have let it all go since getting pregnant in January 2012, and again in August  2012. I want to look healthy and athletic. Not perfect. I want to feel good all the time. I want that boost of energy.

I saw the ad the woman put on Facebook that said "What's Your Excuse?" and I didn't think she was a bully. I didn't think it was inappropriate. It made me THINK...STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!! She looked beautiful.

She works hard to look like that both in the gym and in her kitchen. My excuses are valid. I have 3 beautiful children that morphed my tight little abs into a mush of jello. I work. I have issues getting to the gym in the morning mainly because of Henry or work stuff. BUT...I am making the choice to continue letting my workout be the thing that is always postponed. I make the choice to eat ice cream and burgers and fajitas and wings, regularly. I am on the cusp of stopping these choices. I am RIGHT THERE. So, I am putting myself out there so that I need to it...and I have the support I need to do it. The accountability.

There will always be an excuse: work, kids, diabetes kept me up, running late so I'll grab fast food. I need to get my ass in gear and there is no better day than Halloween.

Wish me luck!

A Time To Reflect...

I left my 30's yesterday. Forever. It kind of sneaked up on me. It's funny...birthdays don't mean the whole world to me anymore.

So much has happened in the last few years that have led me to really take a look inside myself. I have been in an exploratory mode for a while now. I am learning. I am a work in progress. I appreciate that. I invite that. I am finally able to listen to myself and trust myself. I have always had good instincts but could talk myself out of what I knew was right, time and time again.

I watch friends and family going through huge life changes right now and I feel for them. Any sort of big change or big decision is wearing. I think it ages you more than actual years do. The back and forth in your head, the mind games you play with yourself...it's exhausting. I have been there and done that and now I am learning how to manage myself. That's what happens at 40, you evolve into the real adulthood.

I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel more secure. I feel more confident. I am happy with my life. I am happy with my decisions. I don't have regrets. I don't do things to make me regret them because I have learned how to live an honest and fulfilling life, for my children, my husband, and myself. I am not as selfish as I used to be and I have a low tolerance for others that are selfish.

I am still faced with some hard disappointments and acceptance of those disappointments. I am still learning who my friends really are. I have FINALLY grasped the concept my parents taught me at 5 years old, "Choose your friends wisely." I have discovered that my friendships have evolved as well. We don't see each other as much. We are with our young families. We treasure every minute we have with them. I am also realizing that I need some distance from some friendships. My time is valuable. I do not pass judgement. But I have strong moral values and those will remain in tact. My dear friend out of state, LP, helped teach me this...if it isn't a positive friendship for your marriage and the way you live your life, move on.

I have placed myself in a position to be happy. That was a choice. It was not luck and it was not by accident. I made sound decisions to make my world a better place and in turn, my children have a better world. I am responsible for their memories. For their molding. That is not something I take lightly. They view the world through my eyes right now and it better be a nice picture. This is not something I could have realized ten years ago.

So, I think 40 will be good. It will be more relaxing and more enjoyment of what I have in front of me. I will always reflect and grow because I enjoy that. I like to challenge myself and question myself and continue to be a work in progress. I will continue to seek a positive environment. I might even give meditation a chance, thanks to my wonderful brother-in-law. It might help me make more sense of the chatter that goes on inside my very busy head.

Forty is great. I have one day of experience and I'm doing pretty damn good so far. I look forward to what the year has in store for me.

Six Wonderful and Amazing and Emotional Years...

Right before diagnosis, October 2007

To my hero...my beautiful, vibrant, hilarious, 9-year-old daughter Lilyboo,

For six years now I have watched you grow into a little lady. A seemingly perfect blend of maturity and innocence. I have woken up to your beautiful face smiling at me. Whether you are rolling around sideways in your bed with your hair all messed up, or you are running full speed into my bedroom at 7 AM, you are there.

Alive. Breathing. Growing. Living. Being a kid, my kid. My hero.

You are almost 10 so it may seem weird that I have said "For six years now." I wasn't so sure this would happen when you were 3 and we found out you had Type 1 Diabetes. Every horrible thought that a mother should never think, I had. Every ounce of worry that you wouldn't wake...it was there. It still is sometimes.

Sometimes I look at you and with no reason whatsoever, I tear up. It's so hard to take in...the severity of it all. The beauty in being your mother. The amazing little person you have become. You think I'm nuts pretty much all the time because of these tears. It embarrasses you but you still smile, and blush, and feel very, very loved. The thought of not having you is too much so I don't think about it often. If I did, I couldn't live.

You are going to finish 4th grade at the top of your class, as you always do. You are going to start really liking boys soon (God help us all). You are going to want to stay alone in the house after school one day in the next few years. You are going to babysit Henry. You are going to learn to drive...and go to school dances, and hold someone's hand. You are going to go to college one day. And I am going to cry even harder when you do. You will get married and wear your namesake's beautiful watch and carry her handkerchief down the aisle on your daddy's arm. You will have beautiful children and love them like I love you. You will cry too. A lot. You are so much like me. We are two peas in a pod. You will do all of this despite your disease.

Today, we celebrate six years of your living.

I love you so much Lilyboo. I am so thankful for every breath you take. I am so proud that you don't let diabetes dictate who you are. Or Celiac for that matter. You have come so far in six years...we all have. We will never stop fighting and we will all remove our tattoos when you are cured. I believe that and so do you...it will happen. Until then, keep living my precious, beautiful baby.

Love,

Mommy

Learning to Breathe...

Me as Bree for Halloween

Breathe....something so simple that I forget to do constantly.

I used to be Bree Van de Kamp. No lie. I was the mom that had so many balls juggling in the air that it was shocking one never dropped. I was on the PTA, served on boards, chaired galas, was Room Parent, chaired Walk Committees, started support groups, ran an online business, got my Masters degree...all while raising two beautiful girls...all at once. I was seemingly perfect. On the outside anyway.


I don't really remember if it was hard to keep all of that going. I was operating in robot mode. I was going through every motion. I was having fun and I was semi-present but I was not happy. I was in survival mode. I was in a marriage that was falling apart and I had a daughter that had been diagnosed with a disease. And I was more together then than I am now.

I have spent the last few years trying to find that "Supermom" woman again. These past few days it has hit me that she is gone. I can't do it all anymore. I try. Instead, every extra ball I try to juggle hits me square in the head. What do I make of this? It's life. And I need to slow down and breathe.

I replaced some of those balls with happiness. I have a husband that I love and want to spend time with. I don't want to be away all of the time at meetings. I don't want to be glued to my desk.

I work. I have a job that I love. It is demanding and challenging and can be stressful, but I love it. Working from home has challenges. Finding the separation between work and home is hard. Being able to walk away from your office each evening is hard. It takes discipline.

My husband said something to me the other day that made so much sense. He told me that multitasking is overrated. What it really means when you multitask is that you aren't as focused on something as you should be. I used to pride myself in being a great multitasker. Nowadays, multitasking is leading me to failure on many ends. I am not present every day.

I don't want to be in robot mode. I want to be in the moment. When I sit down with my children, I want to give them 100% of my attention. I no longer want to be sitting with them and they are saying repeatedly, "Mommy look, mommy look, mommy..." and I am staring at a screen of some sort and half hearing what they are so excited to tell me. It is eating me up inside. If I give them a mom that is present and in the moment and focused...they will have the "supermom" they want. Not the one I think they need. They see me now with all of my imperfections. They see me struggle. They see me laugh. They see me cry. They see me fight. They see me work...hard. They see me fail. They see me apologize and take ownership when I do. They see ME, not Bree Van de Kamp. That's what I want.

So here is my promise to myself.

I will slow down.
I will learn to breathe.
I will learn to stop and smell life...

Because it's not always roses.

I will be the best I can be for my family and hopefully, they can accept that.

The Special Child...

To my middle child, my sweet Abigail Lauren,

My beautiful red head...

You are special. You are special in more ways than I can count. Your smile is contagious. The dimples on your cheeks run deep like the love in my heart when I see them come out. I can get lost in your freckles...and love seeing the new ones pop up every day.

You squeal with delight pretty much all day long. It is rare that you aren't doing something fun, or being someone fun. You are usually the brightest light in the room. People flock to you my little turtle. You have the gift of gab and you don't sit still pretty much ever. You're like mommy in that way.

I never want you to feel forgotten or left behind. I never want you to feel like you don't have a special place in your family. You are still my baby and always will be. You are my favorite red head. I love it when you caress my hair around my face the whole time you talk to me. This is your way of demanding 100% of my attention. You make sure I am looking you in the eye. It melts my heart...every time. You are strong and confident and want big things in life. Just please don't tell me again that you will "dance for money" in college. You made my heart stop. You have no idea what that means and I hope you never find out. I am not raising you that way.

You are so special to me and to everyone around you. You don't need to be the baby or have a disease to be special. I hope you know that. You are special, Abby, because you are YOU! And never ever change. Your spirit is a breath of fresh air.

Love,

Mommy

Reality or Imagination?

"But the trouble with getting what you've always wanted is that once you have it, you have to worry that you'll lose it. And the more you tamp down that fear, the more it comes out in funny ways." -Libby, The Lost Husband by Katherine Center.

When I read this book, that one line literally made me scream, "Yes, THAT!" out loud at the car wash. It was a moment of pure understanding. I am a worrier. I work very hard not to worry. If I don't have something to worry about, that worries me. My imagination can be a very scary place. I tend to go to the worst case scenario in my head. I wasn't always this way. Not at all. I think I can trace this back to October 7, 2007...the day Lily was diagnosed.

Something changed that day. I went from being a believer that bad things happen to other people, to being a realist that bad things happen to anyone. It is out of our control. That was very hard for me...something being out of my control. So began the path of my worry.

I have spent the last couple of years really trying to live in the moment and not let my mind wander to the hell of my imagination. I succeed at times and I fail at times. The hardest part is understanding that some of these nasty scenarios I conjure up are in fact a little too close to what could be a reality.

Diabetes. The big demon. The thing that hangs over my head and forces me to live in constant fear for my daughter...for our family. I found a little bit of peace and then JUST. LIKE. THAT...I am slammed into the concrete wall of reality blended with imagination again. My daughter will die without insulin...after a short period of time without insulin. She will DIE. I can't say that sentence with the proper inflection to show it's importance. No one gets the severity of that statement. The truth. It's not fair. It makes me angry.

We had a huge storm in Houston a couple of months ago. I sat in my car staring at the huge puddle in front of me and I was forced with a decision, do I drive through and take that risk or risk being stuck where I was? I looked in the rear view mirror at Lily's beautiful face. I looked around...no convenience store, nothing. I had one milk to treat a low. What if I was stuck for hours? She could have a seizure. She could DIE. So I drove through that puddle and we made it home. The fear comes out in funny ways. That strikes me. Was I being dramatic? Possibly. But could that have happened? Absolutely.

Lily went without insulin for a few hours the other day...less than 6. She was vomiting as her body poisoned itself. A few hours. That hit me harder than I would ever let on. If we were to be lost while hiking and not be found for a few days, she would die. It baffles me still.

So, we just keep living. It's all we can do. I will continue to worry. I will continue to drive around and think about idiotic things like if a plane crashed on an island...how would I keep her alive? We need a cure. Yesterday. So we can all have some peace for our imaginations. Or is it reality?

Our Reality...

A Letter to the Worst Disease Ever...

My Dearest Diabetes,

You are at it again. As soon as we get slightly comfortable, you rear your ugly head. Is this meant to be a reminder that you are strong? To remind us that we cannot slack? To let us know that yes...you are still here and not going away? Do you think after six years your antics still work? Let me tell you something about the strength of this family...

We will beat you every time. You may knock us down for a brief moment in time but I can ASSURE you, we will get back up. And we will get back up stronger than we were before we fell. So, enough with your bullshit.

Waking up in the middle of the night to the vibrations of a failed Dexcom...then waking up this morning to a failed pump with very high ketones and the threat of DKA...you had us for a bit. But as I sit here typing you this letter, I am listening to my beautiful, vivacious, loving little girl laugh with her sister. So screw you Diabetes. We prevail again.

You cannot make us weak. You cannot make us feel sorry for ourselves. You cannot make us quit. You will not take her life or her spirit. In fact, all you do with your shenanigans is show Lily exactly how strong she is and that she can conquer anything. We have a fantastic life full of love and hope...nothing you do will ever break that. Give up.

Love,

Lily's Mommy and greatest fan

P.S...thank you to my amazing husband for yet again being the voice of calm when I am dying inside from panic. I love you with all of my heart.

Coming Together...

There were pieces missing for so long; the parts were continuously moving and wouldn't click together the way they were supposed to. It's hard to live that way. You get one piece put into place and it seems to push another piece a little further out. So many moving parts. It's exhausting. It's draining. It's an uphill climb day in and day out...for everyone around you. I couldn't figure out what was missing or how to make my life fall into place.

I had become this melancholy and timid person that was surrounded by and giving into negativity. I had to get out. I have learned so much about myself in the last year of my life. First, I don't do conflict well. I have to be in a harmonious environment, both personally and professionally. That was key to my happiness.

Changes had to be made. I was scared though. I couldn't find the courage to change so it was easier to stay in the vortex that was spinning me around.

Then it all stopped. There was no more fear as it was replaced with love...again. In the last year I lost a baby, and thankfully, gave life to one as well. My pieces finally stopped moving when Henry came. He was the missing piece that molded the puzzle together. He was meant to be in our lives. My husband was meant to be in our lives. I was meant to quit my job finally and take that plunge...Henry gave me that push. My family is complete. Nothing is out of place now. I smile in my heart. All. Day. Long.