Monday, September 2, 2013

Reality or Imagination?

"But the trouble with getting what you've always wanted is that once you have it, you have to worry that you'll lose it. And the more you tamp down that fear, the more it comes out in funny ways." -Libby, The Lost Husband by Katherine Center.

When I read this book, that one line literally made me scream, "Yes, THAT!" out loud at the car wash. It was a moment of pure understanding. I am a worrier. I work very hard not to worry. If I don't have something to worry about, that worries me. My imagination can be a very scary place. I tend to go to the worst case scenario in my head. I wasn't always this way. Not at all. I think I can trace this back to October 7, 2007...the day Lily was diagnosed.

Something changed that day. I went from being a believer that bad things happen to other people, to being a realist that bad things happen to anyone. It is out of our control. That was very hard for me...something being out of my control. So began the path of my worry.

I have spent the last couple of years really trying to live in the moment and not let my mind wander to the hell of my imagination. I succeed at times and I fail at times. The hardest part is understanding that some of these nasty scenarios I conjure up are in fact a little too close to what could be a reality.

Diabetes. The big demon. The thing that hangs over my head and forces me to live in constant fear for my daughter...for our family. I found a little bit of peace and then JUST. LIKE. THAT...I am slammed into the concrete wall of reality blended with imagination again. My daughter will die without insulin...after a short period of time without insulin. She will DIE. I can't say that sentence with the proper inflection to show it's importance. No one gets the severity of that statement. The truth. It's not fair. It makes me angry.

We had a huge storm in Houston a couple of months ago. I sat in my car staring at the huge puddle in front of me and I was forced with a decision, do I drive through and take that risk or risk being stuck where I was? I looked in the rear view mirror at Lily's beautiful face. I looked convenience store, nothing. I had one milk to treat a low. What if I was stuck for hours? She could have a seizure. She could DIE. So I drove through that puddle and we made it home. The fear comes out in funny ways. That strikes me. Was I being dramatic? Possibly. But could that have happened? Absolutely.

Lily went without insulin for a few hours the other day...less than 6. She was vomiting as her body poisoned itself. A few hours. That hit me harder than I would ever let on. If we were to be lost while hiking and not be found for a few days, she would die. It baffles me still.

So, we just keep living. It's all we can do. I will continue to worry. I will continue to drive around and think about idiotic things like if a plane crashed on an would I keep her alive? We need a cure. Yesterday. So we can all have some peace for our imaginations. Or is it reality?

Our Reality...

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