Monday, October 28, 2013

A Time To Reflect...

I left my 30's yesterday. Forever. It kind of sneaked up on me. It's funny...birthdays don't mean the whole world to me anymore.

So much has happened in the last few years that have led me to really take a look inside myself. I have been in an exploratory mode for a while now. I am learning. I am a work in progress. I appreciate that. I invite that. I am finally able to listen to myself and trust myself. I have always had good instincts but could talk myself out of what I knew was right, time and time again.

I watch friends and family going through huge life changes right now and I feel for them. Any sort of big change or big decision is wearing. I think it ages you more than actual years do. The back and forth in your head, the mind games you play with's exhausting. I have been there and done that and now I am learning how to manage myself. That's what happens at 40, you evolve into the real adulthood.

I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel more secure. I feel more confident. I am happy with my life. I am happy with my decisions. I don't have regrets. I don't do things to make me regret them because I have learned how to live an honest and fulfilling life, for my children, my husband, and myself. I am not as selfish as I used to be and I have a low tolerance for others that are selfish.

I am still faced with some hard disappointments and acceptance of those disappointments. I am still learning who my friends really are. I have FINALLY grasped the concept my parents taught me at 5 years old, "Choose your friends wisely." I have discovered that my friendships have evolved as well. We don't see each other as much. We are with our young families. We treasure every minute we have with them. I am also realizing that I need some distance from some friendships. My time is valuable. I do not pass judgement. But I have strong moral values and those will remain in tact. My dear friend out of state, LP, helped teach me this...if it isn't a positive friendship for your marriage and the way you live your life, move on.

I have placed myself in a position to be happy. That was a choice. It was not luck and it was not by accident. I made sound decisions to make my world a better place and in turn, my children have a better world. I am responsible for their memories. For their molding. That is not something I take lightly. They view the world through my eyes right now and it better be a nice picture. This is not something I could have realized ten years ago.

So, I think 40 will be good. It will be more relaxing and more enjoyment of what I have in front of me. I will always reflect and grow because I enjoy that. I like to challenge myself and question myself and continue to be a work in progress. I will continue to seek a positive environment. I might even give meditation a chance, thanks to my wonderful brother-in-law. It might help me make more sense of the chatter that goes on inside my very busy head.

Forty is great. I have one day of experience and I'm doing pretty damn good so far. I look forward to what the year has in store for me.

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