Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Learning to Breathe...

Me as Bree for Halloween
Breathe....something so simple that I forget to do constantly.

I used to be Bree Van de Kamp. No lie. I was the mom that had so many balls juggling in the air that it was shocking one never dropped. I was on the PTA, served on boards, chaired galas, was Room Parent, chaired Walk Committees, started support groups, ran an online business, got my Masters degree...all while raising two beautiful girls...all at once. I was seemingly perfect. On the outside anyway.

I don't really remember if it was hard to keep all of that going. I was operating in robot mode. I was going through every motion. I was having fun and I was semi-present but I was not happy. I was in survival mode. I was in a marriage that was falling apart and I had a daughter that had been diagnosed with a disease. And I was more together then than I am now.

I have spent the last few years trying to find that "Supermom" woman again. These past few days it has hit me that she is gone. I can't do it all anymore. I try. Instead, every extra ball I try to juggle hits me square in the head. What do I make of this? It's life. And I need to slow down and breathe.

I replaced some of those balls with happiness. I have a husband that I love and want to spend time with. I don't want to be away all of the time at meetings. I don't want to be glued to my desk.

I work. I have a job that I love. It is demanding and challenging and can be stressful, but I love it. Working from home has challenges. Finding the separation between work and home is hard. Being able to walk away from your office each evening is hard. It takes discipline.

My husband said something to me the other day that made so much sense. He told me that multitasking is overrated. What it really means when you multitask is that you aren't as focused on something as you should be. I used to pride myself in being a great multitasker. Nowadays, multitasking is leading me to failure on many ends. I am not present every day.

I don't want to be in robot mode. I want to be in the moment. When I sit down with my children, I want to give them 100% of my attention. I no longer want to be sitting with them and they are saying repeatedly, "Mommy look, mommy look, mommy..." and I am staring at a screen of some sort and half hearing what they are so excited to tell me. It is eating me up inside. If I give them a mom that is present and in the moment and focused...they will have the "supermom" they want. Not the one I think they need. They see me now with all of my imperfections. They see me struggle. They see me laugh. They see me cry. They see me fight. They see me work...hard. They see me fail. They see me apologize and take ownership when I do. They see ME, not Bree Van de Kamp. That's what I want.

So here is my promise to myself.

I will slow down.
I will learn to breathe.
I will learn to stop and smell life...

Because it's not always roses.

I will be the best I can be for my family and hopefully, they can accept that.

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