Dreaming of better weather...

I woke up this morning dreaming about Fall. It was 109 degrees yesterday in Houston, record heat. It's so hot that I walked three houses over to my neighbor's and I was dripping in sweat and swear I smelled bad by the time I got to her door. Walking to the grocery store and back to my car was a miserable experience.

Heat makes me irritable. It makes me groggy. It makes me thirsty. It makes me want to stay inside. I am so ready for the Fall to get here. I want to take the girls on a bike ride and have them enjoy our swing set in the yard. I want to sit out on my patio in the evenings and read my Kindle and drink a glass of wine.

But mostly, I want to wear my bad ass boots.


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The Burbs...

 One of the best and most difficult decisions I made was to move to the burbs. I am so happy I made this choice for my girls and for me. I have been so welcomed to my neighborhood. I have only been living here five months and have some great new friends. It's good for the soul to be around good people. There is no comparison or keeping up with the Joneses here. It's just plain fun. And that we had last night.

It was my turn to host our little monthly get together for the ladies of my street (and some from other streets in the hood). We did a Passion Party. I have never been to one and wasn't sure what to think. It was fun...hilariously fun. We drank, ate a bit, laughed our asses off, and just had a good time. And it was so needed. I can tell that friendships will be long lasting with this group of ladies.

My girls have become better friends with their kids as well and that is exactly what I wanted for them...to live somewhere that they can run a house over and have a whole slew of kids to play with. They literally run to the bus stop each morning to see their new friends. They make up dance routines together. They dress alike. They wake up asking if they can go play. It's a whole new world for them and we are just loving it!

So, to my Better Than Bunco (because we'd never actually play) ladies...thank you thank you thank you for welcoming us into your humble little circle! xxooo


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Survival of the First Week...

 We have pretty much successfully made it through our first week at a new school! There have been no real issues. There was one low the first day of school and one low today after school. Only one number over 300 after school one day and none at school. No one got made fun of, hurt, cried, or felt uncomfortable. The bus driver let them out at the wrong stop one day but turns out that was planned so they could run in the rain...not a good thing but pretty damn cute (the stops are literally a few feet apart). They are making friends easily and feeling like neighborhood kids. I have not seen this many smiles ever I don't think! Which makes me smile, inside and out.

Diabetes at school is going well. The only thing that was changed was the buddy system to the nurse. The teachers were sending Lily and her friend Austin (also type 1) together as buddies. Austin's mom and I thought this wasn't such a great idea in case both kids were low. Paranoid? Maybe. But they are only 7 years old.

So, I couldn't have asked for a better week for the first week of school! I think this move was a good thing...for everyone.

It's mommy time this weekend with a party at my house tomorrow night with the neighborhood mommies...we are putting a little more passion into our lives! Good time are going to be had!


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DWD...

 Funniest thing happened today and I had to share...

I took Lily to the eye doctor (thankfully up the road just a bit) since she was complaining of headaches sometimes when she reads. I have been attempting to do this for a month but can't find the time so tonight was it. I decided to get my eyes checked too since I get what I can only describe as "tired eyes" when I read my Kindle or am on my computer or phone (which is a lot).

So the doctor checked us both out and turns out, I need some sort of reading type glasses with a technology lens specifically for "tired eyes" or strain basically. Great...I was secretly a little excited since I found some really cool frames the other day while making appointments.

Well, dumb shit doctor dilated both of us. We were literally the blind leading the blind. I drove home cursing him that I was going to get a DUI...or a DWD (Driving While Dilated). I couldn't see my phone so I just kept pushing names that looked like my ex so I could tell him the outcome (sorry Dad). I was attempting to text people back as well...why I don't know because I couldn't see shit.

So, we get to the light by the house and I am going on and on about how I am going to get dinner ready when I can't see anything and I realized no one can read Lily's pump. Lily was dilated too. She is all in the back seat thinking it's the coolest thing ever with her fake sunglasses on. Given the day I have had, I was not thinking this was the coolest thing ever. Thank GOD for neighbors. We went to a friend's house and she administered the pump. I then got home to find a bottle of my favorite wine on my front step with a sweet card wishing me all better. The same friend that left the wine told me to watch myself cry in the mirror since it heightens the drama...still giggling over that!

This was just so ironic that I spent all night fuzzy eyed after I have spent months fuzzy eyed. I have to say that I although I am broken-hearted, the shame on you post was about believing in a relationship...and having it not be what I thought it was. I am not going to go into detail but it is not as it sounded...I still love him and we both have a rough road ahead of us and I am sad we won't be going down it together. My dad told me tonight that I have spent months worried and fretting over what was to become of us with a pending move and so many miles apart. He also pointed out that someone having to "give up everything" to move for someone else only leads to resentment. He is right.

And I have not unpacked my baggage. I have left it all wadded up in a corner. I need to see what this world is about on my own. I need to find my happiness again...my strength...right now sucks but it won't be so fuzzy forever.

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The Switch...

I have been stuck in a bubble. A bubble I can't seem to penetrate. I bob around in this bubble half-functioning in my daily life. I am tired. I am stressed. I am confused. I am heartbroken. I am worried. Through all of this though, I remain hopeful.

I hope for a peaceful existence for me and my girls. I hope to go to bed at night with a smile on my face and not a tear on my pillow. I hope that each day brings more positive energy to me and my heart heals a little more. I hope that I can trust that love is on my side and not against me...trying to teach me some sort of life lesson. I hope I regain the insurmountable courage and strength that I once possessed for all things. I hope my five year old can help me understand what she is going through that makes her not want to sleep alone or be away from me. I hope that diabetes doesn't claim my oldest child...my little girl that brings me the purest form of love. I hope I can find a way to make ends meet and still enjoy my life as a single parent. And I hope I can just learn to find happiness from within...to control the paths my thoughts take me down. The unwanted territory that I often get led to.

I am human. I am passionate. I am made of many, many layers. I refuse to hide behind a happy face and let all of these things manifest inside. I tried that and it did me no good. I am flipping my switch today. Flipping it back ON. I am going to let the light shine again and realize that there are some things in life I simply cannot control. I control what I do about these things and I want to look back on my life with pride and say I did the right thing always for me and those that love me. THAT is how I need to be defining my life. That is how I penetrate the bubble and move on from here. I have made a deal with myself today that I will no longer exist in another shadow but live in my own light. The only key to fulfillment and happiness, in my opinion, is loving who you are and knowing you have not jeoparized your worth! What better gift can a mother give her children after all, than that of a happy and healthy mother?

     “A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.” Mahatma Gandhi

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The Preparation for School...

Tis the season for new backpacks, school supplies, new shoes and tax free shopping. I can't believe summer is over. It's over and I never had one. I also cannot believe my daughters are in 2nd grade and Kindergarten. When the hell did they grow up and when are they going to STOP?

Getting ready for a new school is a task that will leave you reeling with worry...will the girls make friends quickly? Will they get the best education they possibly can? Will I get used to the new rules and times (those of you that know me know that I am NEVER on time anywhere...no comment, Matt). But throw diabetes into the mix and it is a whole new set of worry. Will they keep an eye on Lily? Will they notice if she is low or if her pump quits working? Will they send her on her merry way to the nurse without a buddy? Are the doctor's orders correct? How long will it take to get our 504 in place and how the hell do you get it in place anyway? Arrrggghhh!!!

I tend to worry anyway but this is ridiculous! The girls had been at their private school for the last three years so starting school was like going home again. Now, we went from a school of 350 total to 980 total. Wow. Wow. Wow. BUT...they will do just fine. Lily is not the only diabetic (there is another 2nd grader and a 5th grader). Both of them make friends easily and never get in trouble so at least we have that.

I am going to end tonight by having a beer and doing something relaxing to get my mind off of the first day of school that is lurking around the corner! Today is a special day after all...

Today has been one year. One year since I left a comment on Facebook about back fat of all things. A comment that led to a friendship that led to a romance that led to a love like no other. A year of new beginnings. A year of building. Building something special that started with a solid foundation of friendship and respect. A respect that has been tested in the worst of ways at times. Our building has collapsed and been rebuilt...and now it is stronger than it ever was in the first place. It keeps us together and protected from miles and miles of distance, even in the worst of storms.


One year. 12 months. 365 days. We have grown and flourished into something pretty damn good and I hope we continue to weather the storms together. Happy Anniversary my love.

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Rambling Thoughts...

Men and women are so different. It's more than Mars and Venus. Women want what we seem to think are little things: affection, support, help around the house and with the kids, and love. Men want what they think is simple: financial security and freedom to be who they are. Women often define themselves by how they treat others, the accomplishments their family has made, how their relationship is going, etc. Men often define themselves by the level of their success.

So, tell me this...how the hell are we supposed to live peacefully and blissfully when we see the world in such different ways? I am trying really hard to learn to communicate better and not to get upset when I feel misunderstood or my boyfriend isn't responding to my excitement about something like I think he should. But it seems like an impossible feat. Men and women are SO different. Even as children, the little boys run like crazy, climb on everything, and stay in a constant state of dirty. Little girls are usually a bit more reserved and like to look fancy. I am speaking generally here, of course. It just never ceases to amaze me. I watch my girls play with boys and they just think and approach tasks in such a different manner!

I imagine all of these little souls living their lives all over the world...each one wanting to find that other little soul that makes them feel special and loved, and that they can shower with their affections. Once you find another little soul that you click with...there is a lot of learning and understanding and compromise that comes along with it. I used to believe in soul mates and now I believe in finding the perfect combination of love, passion, friendship, and respect. I think one of the most important aspects of a relationship is learning how to fight without hurt. That and as a friend pointed out, conflict resolution. It is very easy to go round and round with an argument...for years. I did it for ten years to be exact while married...without anything getting accomplished. This wise friend also pointed out that if two people don't argue ever in a relationship, someone is holding back and that is not healthy.

It feels good to be in a relationship with someone who allows me this exploration. He allows me to try to discover and realize HOW to be in a good relationship and he takes the journey with me. I'm sure I am not easy to figure out. At all. I am a woman, after all.

And on the diabetes front...I am still going to blog about diabetes, of course. It is a huge part of our life. I have just needed a little break lately. I've been seriously stressing about the working mommy guilt and school starting with a new regimen, all of the blue candles, etc. etc. etc. I was really scared to go to bed last night because Lily was only 142 and she had dropped some the night before. So, I got up every couple of hours and checked her after I adjusted her insulin. She was fine after the adjustments but I am exhausted to the core.

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Exciting week...

A few very cool things went on this week. One, I got to be on the Parents magazine website for a nomination for the Best All Around blog for moms. Just to be on their site is pretty darn cool...it's very hard to vote because they make you register but if you feel like voting, there is a big pink button to the right of this post. There are several blogs that raise awareness for type 1 diabetes, which is something my family lives with 24/7, so I am really hoping one of them wins!

Also, there is a site that I have been lurking on for a while called www.topmommyblogs.com I finally got the balls this week to fill out the request to be on their site. It is not something where you can just register your blog...there is criteria involved and someone actually takes a few days to scroll through your blog and make sure you are a fit. I got an email tonight that Meal Mommy was accepted!! I absolutely love to write and it's so fun for me to do this blog so this really meant a lot! So, this one is super easy to vote for since you don't have to register (and there are tons of cool blogs there!). You click on the button to the left and that's it! You have voted! I would certainly appreciate any votes you can swing my way over there too! It's not a competition, it's how you get featured.

Thirdly...and I am about to sound like a groupie, because I am...but my favorite blogger EVER read my blog and commented. I am still sitting on cloud 9 over here.

The last and NOT least very exciting thing is that Abby met her Kindergarten teacher today. My baby is going to Kindergarten. I am sure I will be posting Monday through many tears and wine. We also had the opportunity to meet the nurse for Lily and she was AMAZING. So, I am feeling a bit better about the transition to a new school with D in the mix.

Thanks for all of your support!

The Layers...

I was thinking today about one of Matt's first visits to Houston. It was beautiful outside...nice and chilly. I think it was around Thanksgiving. We were getting ready to meet some of my friends out and I came out of the bedroom all gussied up. I had on my jeggings and knee high boots, a pretty cowl neck sweater, hair all done and make up all done. I was feeling super sexy...like super sexy in a non-mommy way.

So, we have a great time and after lots of wine and good food, we come home. I start to get ready for bed and as I'm undressing...I noticed Matt just staring at me with a blank look on his face. I looked down at all of my layers. What was once the sexy, non-mommy outfit was not so much that anymore. Underneath that sweater was my Yummy Tummy tank to hold in the baby pouch. The jeggings are high-waisted and have an elastic waist to prevent, God willing, a muffin top. The bottom of the jeggings actually have stirrups so that my jeans stay in my boots. And I had on knee socks. The mommy outfit on crack. I looked at Matt and said something like, "It just gets sexier and sexier with each layer, doesn't it?"

Gone were the moments of matching lingerie. This was the real me, trying to capture my youth (or at least my youth's non mommy body). I made more of an effort after that day to try to look on the outside of my clothes like I do underneath my clothes. Matt loves me for more than my looks. He knows I am not perfect. He knows there are flaws, and rolls, and dimples, and whatever else living has done to me. Men are more okay with our bodies than we are. They have peeled away the layers much before we have and seen what is actually underneath... true beauty.

The New Lookie Loo...

Well, since I tend to write more about just life in general...I decided to give Meal Mommy a new lookie loo. After all it is simple...life is complicated. There is so much more to our crazy little world than just Lily's diabetes. It is our background music, as I have said before, but there is so much more to us!

I have my 20 year high school reunion in a couple of months. TWENTY YEARS. I never even thought I'd say I have done something for 20 years as that makes me feel old. So, I bought this cute dress. I came home, dusted off the treadmill and ran, and I restocked my face moisturizer. I should have been doing the latter two for the last twenty years but oh well.

Where has time gone? I see my life in segments.

1. Early Childhood (the Germany years)
2. Elementary School and Alabama
3. The Reston Years (5th-12th grade)
4. Aggie Life (Texas A&M and the craziest time)
5. Tampa (a runaway moment that lasted two years)
6. Single in Houston (this is hazy)
7. Marriage
8. Children (Best time yet)
9. Divorce
10. Post Divorce learning and love (where I am now)

When I left high school, I really left. My parents were in the throes of their divorce and it was not a good time for me so I turned my back and moved to Texas. I didn't keep in touch and I didn't go back but three times since then. It was hard to go back each time because it was like a piece of the life I didn't get. The kids going to my PARENTS house for holidays, me having a "childhood home," etc.  If it wasn't for Facebook, I would have no idea where all of my long lost high school friends ended up.

I guess I am one of those that needs to physically move on to move on. I took Lily to a birthday party for her "bff" whose mom was my "bff" prior to divorce. I was hesitant to take her since I hadn't seen these people in so long but she really wanted to go. I ended that day in tears. It was like walking into my life as it was a little over a year ago. The people I was so close to that I no longer see, the kids I no longer see, the neighborhood I no longer am a part of...the life of the stay at home mom that I gave up to find happiness in my heart. It was draining. Emotionally draining. But...it is life. And you move on.

I was told the other day by someone else that once loved me that I sound unstable in my blog. I beg to differ...I am more stable than I have ever been. And I am finally strong enough to face my feelings and live life to the fullest. I am human. I have flaws. I also have strengths. I am not ashamed to share my thoughts...that's all they are, my thoughts. I am just one little person trying to get by and be a good example to my little girls. And I think I am doing a pretty damn good job considering they are both independent and strong.

So, I am going to drag my ass to get a bagel and then go upstairs and run it off. Maybe.

The Wish...

We are finally settling in to this new life...all three of us. We were at the mall the other day with some neighborhood friends and we were about to go eat pizza all together. In front of the pizza place is a huge pond. The kids were all running around the pond playing and laughing. They came up and asked my friend and me if they could have a penny to throw in. We handed each one a penny and told them to make a wish. Lily tugged on my elbow so I leaned down to hear what she had to say. She said, "Mommy, I am not going to wish for a cure this time since I love my pump so much...I actually kinda like diabetes now." I gave her a hug and told her I thought that was great and wish for something special!

I didn't know whether to cry that she even thinks of that or to drop to my knees and thank GOD that she is back to such a positive place. It has been a long road for Lily to come to terms with her disease this year. It has been so hard on her. But I am so proud that she is such a strong, brave little girl and that she is capable of allowing herself to have the feelings she has and deal with them in HER way. She is truly the most amazing little being. Just amazing.

On a side note, I heard today that a lot of organizations have a "Sib Group." A group for siblings of the child with the chronic disease. Wow...what a great idea!! My wheel's are turning now...

The Guilt of the Working Mom...

Lily's words ripped a piece of my heart yesterday. Just a little tear that will heal, but a tear nonetheless. This is the first summer that I have not been home with my kids. The first summer that they don't wake up with me, eat every meal with me, swim every day with me, and lay with me at night before bed. I have been 100% available to my little girls since they were growing little seeds in my womb.

With divorce came a loss of being a stay at home mom. The luxury of being the sole person that witnesses every little smile and smirk on those beautiful little lips is now gone...and that is so hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I enjoy working and it has been nice to use my knowledge and education and everything I worked hard for prior to children. However, I also really, really enjoyed being just a mommy from dawn until dusk and then some. I don't have a choice in this matter anymore and neither do the girls.

So, yesterday, I had planned for the girls to give the dogs a special tick bath (don't even GET me started on the tick situation) in the backyard with the sitter. I figured this would be another fun activity for them to do with her. The sitter called me at work and said, "Lily doesn't want to wash the dogs. She said, 'I never get to do fun stuff with mommy anymore so I want to do it with her. I only do fun stuff with sitters since she's always at work.' " And there you have the tear...the tear that sent me literally flying home from work at 5:00 on the dot. The tear that led me to a glass of wine with a friend while the girls had an impromptu playdate. The tear that had all three of us drenched in the backyard chasing down the terrified and severely pissed off dogs. The tear that had me watch them sleep for a very long time while I tried to figure out a way to be home with them and make money...to no avail, of course.

The only thing I can do is what I did...explain to their curious little faces and big, huge eyes that Mommy has to work so that we can do all the fun stuff we do. I have to work so that they can get a good education, have food, birthday parties, etc. I told them I miss them every second I am at work and they can call me anytime they are missing me. I reminded them that we have fun from the time I am off on Friday evening until they go see their dad on Sunday night. I kissed them, hugged them, cuddled them and told them I love them. And then I went to work.

The Hand You Are Dealt...

 Matthew's birthday dinner

It's no mystery that life is hard. We are dealt with cards that are sometimes seemingly perfect and full of optimism and hope. Sometimes, we are dealt with cards that are hard to read and even hard to hold on to. Like a diagnoses, for example. Or a death. Or a divorce. It is important, I think, to accept the cards that you have, whatever they may be.

So, that is where I woke up emotionally this morning. I am utterly, ridiculously, in love with someone that is not perfect. We are not in a perfect situation. We have been dealt a hand of cards that are challenging at times, hurtful at times, frustrating and hard to hold on to. All because of one thing...distance. If it weren't for 1000 miles, we would be the most blissfully happy couple in the world. Sure, we had a rocky start, middle and almost end. But...I feel like we are connected in a way that you don't find often, if ever. To sever that connection does nothing but make me feel like half of a person. You see, not only is our hand all of the things above, it is also comforting, peaceful when we are actually together, loving, and a little piece of Heaven in my eyes.

I can't, don't want to, and won't give up on this love. I don't know how I am going to make it through the rest of this distance but I am optimistic this morning that we will make it together in one piece, holding hands. God willing...


On a side note, Lily is doing amazingly well on her PING! She feels very special to have it and thinks it is very, very cool. Now if only we could get those pesky numbers under control! Lots of changes to be made. We got an email from the Animas CDE with some good, aggressive suggestions so we shall see!

The Cycle...

It just took me ten minutes to log in because I couldn't focus long enough to get my password correct. One of those days...

I did something I am not proud of today and I did it because of a past occurrance. I broke a trust. I broke a trust that stems from a trust that was broken to me. Does that make sense? It's a cycle. There is a neverending cycle in my life. It goes round and round and round.

I wake up every morning and get out of bed. I let my dogs out, I start my shower, I go upstairs and check to make sure Lily is in fact alive...I kiss her. I go downstairs and kiss the redhead that continues to climb in my sleep-deprived bed unnoticed at some point after 2 AM. I get a call from Matt. I drive to work. I work all day. I drive home. I say bye to the sitter and kiss my girls. I start dinner. I act as referree while the girls fight over a HUGE sectional couch and needing more room. I play with them for a bit and then I put them in bed. I skype with Matt. I say good night to Matt, check Lily, and I go to bed. I wake up at 2 AM and go upstairs and check Lily. I stumble back down to bed. My alarm goes off at 5:45 AM. Same thing again. Everything  comes right back around.

There is an argument that my love and I have over and over and over again. There is a toxic element to our relationship that just won't go away. So I have come to a crossroads that I don't much care for. And I am too tired in my body and soul to even remember a password.

I want peace. It's all I have ever wanted. A peaceful existence...someone who loves me as much as I love them, as healthy as possible kids, friends that are forever supportive...it doesn't seem like too much to ask for.

So, I am back to my life and what's the best dose of medicine that anyone in this world can ask for? A hug and a kiss from my beautiful babies.