Friday, August 5, 2011

The Guilt of the Working Mom...

Lily's words ripped a piece of my heart yesterday. Just a little tear that will heal, but a tear nonetheless. This is the first summer that I have not been home with my kids. The first summer that they don't wake up with me, eat every meal with me, swim every day with me, and lay with me at night before bed. I have been 100% available to my little girls since they were growing little seeds in my womb.

With divorce came a loss of being a stay at home mom. The luxury of being the sole person that witnesses every little smile and smirk on those beautiful little lips is now gone...and that is so hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I enjoy working and it has been nice to use my knowledge and education and everything I worked hard for prior to children. However, I also really, really enjoyed being just a mommy from dawn until dusk and then some. I don't have a choice in this matter anymore and neither do the girls.

So, yesterday, I had planned for the girls to give the dogs a special tick bath (don't even GET me started on the tick situation) in the backyard with the sitter. I figured this would be another fun activity for them to do with her. The sitter called me at work and said, "Lily doesn't want to wash the dogs. She said, 'I never get to do fun stuff with mommy anymore so I want to do it with her. I only do fun stuff with sitters since she's always at work.' " And there you have the tear...the tear that sent me literally flying home from work at 5:00 on the dot. The tear that led me to a glass of wine with a friend while the girls had an impromptu playdate. The tear that had all three of us drenched in the backyard chasing down the terrified and severely pissed off dogs. The tear that had me watch them sleep for a very long time while I tried to figure out a way to be home with them and make no avail, of course.

The only thing I can do is what I did...explain to their curious little faces and big, huge eyes that Mommy has to work so that we can do all the fun stuff we do. I have to work so that they can get a good education, have food, birthday parties, etc. I told them I miss them every second I am at work and they can call me anytime they are missing me. I reminded them that we have fun from the time I am off on Friday evening until they go see their dad on Sunday night. I kissed them, hugged them, cuddled them and told them I love them. And then I went to work.


  1. Same-Same a hundred times over!
    This is also the first summer I have worked. This very subject has weighed heavily on my heart for a long time.

    I miss not being at the school. I miss swimming and meeting friends for lunch. I miss is all. We do what we have to right? (((HUGS))) to you my friend.

  2. As hard as I imagine it must be, try to remind yourself that you're teaching them that women can take care of themselves & don't need a man to a provide for them. You're teaching them that having a career, and being a go-getter is important. You're showing them that they can be independent & confident. You are setting a great example. I don't know what you're going through but I know that you're a great mom & do everything you can for your girls. Though you have to work, when you are with them, you are loving and present. You're leading by example. You work for their benefit. So try not to beat yourself up too much. In time, they will get use to it and it will all be okay.

  3. Lora...ditto to it all my friend! And thanks usual.

  4. It is very hard, because there is no choice... If only a good income were possible working from home. There are a few that have managed it. I think a blog on this topic might generate some income if the resources listed were accurate. Although there are blogs re stay at home moms who work, I don't know of many for Moms with children with chronic illnesses who NEED to (or would feel so much more comfortable) stay home and what resources are available for them. For those who can write, a blog on this topic would be timely and helpful for so many.