Lily's words ripped a piece of my heart yesterday. Just a little tear that will heal, but a tear nonetheless. This is the first summer that I have not been home with my kids. The first summer that they don't wake up with me, eat every meal with me, swim every day with me, and lay with me at night before bed. I have been 100% available to my little girls since they were growing little seeds in my womb.
With divorce came a loss of being a stay at home mom. The luxury of being the sole person that witnesses every little smile and smirk on those beautiful little lips is now gone...and that is so hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I enjoy working and it has been nice to use my knowledge and education and everything I worked hard for prior to children. However, I also really, really enjoyed being just a mommy from dawn until dusk and then some. I don't have a choice in this matter anymore and neither do the girls.
So, yesterday, I had planned for the girls to give the dogs a special tick bath (don't even GET me started on the tick situation) in the backyard with the sitter. I figured this would be another fun activity for them to do with her. The sitter called me at work and said, "Lily doesn't want to wash the dogs. She said, 'I never get to do fun stuff with mommy anymore so I want to do it with her. I only do fun stuff with sitters since she's always at work.' " And there you have the tear...the tear that sent me literally flying home from work at 5:00 on the dot. The tear that led me to a glass of wine with a friend while the girls had an impromptu playdate. The tear that had all three of us drenched in the backyard chasing down the terrified and severely pissed off dogs. The tear that had me watch them sleep for a very long time while I tried to figure out a way to be home with them and make money...to no avail, of course.
The only thing I can do is what I did...explain to their curious little faces and big, huge eyes that Mommy has to work so that we can do all the fun stuff we do. I have to work so that they can get a good education, have food, birthday parties, etc. I told them I miss them every second I am at work and they can call me anytime they are missing me. I reminded them that we have fun from the time I am off on Friday evening until they go see their dad on Sunday night. I kissed them, hugged them, cuddled them and told them I love them. And then I went to work.