Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Support...

I spent all day today basking in the sun at a pool overlooking the beach and boardwalk at my dad's house. It was so nice. Just beautiful and peaceful. I started the new Lisa Scottoline book and just relaxed. I slept like a baby last night too. I was up every two hours with Lilyboo and unexplainable high numbers the night before so I was exhausted. Purely exhausted. I slept until almost 10 AM. I can't even tell you the last time I did that!

I was thinking a lot today about this blog. I was thinking that so much of the judgment and opinions I have experienced have come from my decision to be so public with my personal life. I have said in the past that I would stop writing about Matt, etc. The thing is, I get so many emails and so much support from people that read this that it made me want to write more. I guess I am learning the hard way that I shouldn't put so much out there if I don't want the backlash. You know what though? I am happy. I am at peace. I feel better than I ever have and that is HARD not to share. So I choose to share it and deal with other people's unhappiness because of it. I don't get how my love life has anything to do with others but oh well.

Here's the thing though...I feel like I am going through such a transition in my life. I am finding myself all over again. I have worked very hard in my short life to be a very positive and uplifting person. I have learned so much not only from being a mother but from being a mother of a type 1 diabetic. No one but my fellow D moms know what that takes out of you. No one really understands how lost you get in the shuffle of everyday life. The first few years of diagnosis, you are immersed in diabetes. I lost who I was very quickly in my marriage as well. So, although some people thought I was nuts for posting "The Session" and adding those pics...I felt it was so important to tell people how that made me feel to have those pictures taken...how special that made me feel...how I felt like a woman again and not a mother or pancreas. You don't realize how important that is to your psyche...your well being...until you are reminded.

This has been a time of discovery for me. I feel like people NEED to hear that life is good...that even when you are faced with really tough life happenings, it is still good. You can still CHOOSE to be a happy, honest, optimistic person. You do not have to become a depressed and miserable person. You can wake up every single day, whether your world is falling apart or not, and stare at your beautiful children and know in your heart that you are the luckiest person in the world...financial problems or not...marital problems or not...diabetes or not. I like to hold my head high and if I can help one other person who is going through similar things feel better and want to turn their world around...then I feel like I have made a difference somehow. I do not feel bad about what I choose to write. There is so much more to me and my relationships than this blog. I share my intimate thoughts but I don't share my every thought. And I am totally happy with who stares back at me from the mirror. That is such a blessing. I am happy with myself because I give my all to everything I do. I gave my all to my marriage. I give my all to my children. I have given my all to every friendship I have had...and that has failed miserably more times than not. I have given my all to my family as well and will continue to do so. I will not change who I am and I will back up every decision I have made.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am to those of you that have supported me through your kindness and words. It has been such an amazing thing to me in the hardest time of my life. This blog is my therapy and your support has restored my faith in people. I look forward to each and every day that I have with this life!!

8 comments:

  1. The nude has long been celebrated in art, yet the general public insists on looking on God's beauty and demeaning it, seeing pornography. When it clearly was presented in a beautiful manner. The same holds true for photography. It is how you present the nude, that determines whether it is pornographic or not. There is beauty of form, we are God's creation. The nude is beautiful. Pornography has to do with intention. Don't apologize for what is natural and good. Don't let others make you feel bad.

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  2. I so get the whole getting immersed in diabetes and losing who you are. This hit me the other night as I contemplated a trip - alone. It makes me really nervous. I don't want to be away from my girl. But I realized that one of the big things holding me back is that being alone for 4 days... I don't know who I am anymore. What in the world would I do with myself? It was kinda scary! Here's to the amazing support of true friends!

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  3. I love you blog. F*ck everyone else!
    Oops, sorry PP hormones :)

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  4. I can't comment on diabetes.

    But a few weeks ago, you were raking him over the coals. Now you're taking nude pics for him. (Which were gorgeous, by the way.)

    It's that kind of flip-flop advertising of your life that leads to the impression that your "happiness" is really just a superficial band aid for a deeper void.

    This honeymoon will end. They all do. Then what?

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  5. Steph...you crack me up honey!! Can't wait to meet the baby! @Hallie and the first anonymous...thanks for the support you ALWAYS give me. @anonymous #2, thanks for the comment. I totally get where you are coming from. We had a very big fight, we both made some mistakes, and it was wrong of me to "rake him over the coals" so publicly. We are working through things and I am happier than ever. I have no deeper void. I am a rare bird that likes to be alone...a lot. Just stumbling along. The honeymoon always ends but the love doesn't. The friendship and commitment are the key. And as Matt always says, "you have to date your wife forever. Whatever you do to get the girl, you do to keep the girl." Only time will tell!

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  6. For the anonymous concerned, I know that I made a huge mistake and I am making my amends. I am making them for me and I love this woman with all that I am. As for the nude pictures being for me, I did not purchase this session for myself. Sure it is nice to have nude photos of your beautiful sexy lady but its not like I can just go show them off to anyone. I did this for the exact reason that she is blogging for and it was a huge success in my opinion. I wanted her to feel like a woman. I wanted her to feel sexy and beautiful and free!!! She left that 3 hour session feeling just that way. She was able to let go of diabetes for a short time and be herself. That is one of the greatest gifts I could have given her amongst the other things I did as well. The second half of the day was just as fun. It was for her, it was for me, and it was for US!!!

    With all of this said, I hope that you will find a way to believe that your "friend" really has a great head on her shoulders and makes good decisions for herself, her kids, and her complete life. I know I do.....and I am thankful for the love that is returned from her. The honeymoon always ends as you say.....but love is forever. I hope that one day you will find the same.

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  7. Amen to that re: the need to be a person not a wife mother or pancreas. Being content within yourself is essential to committing to the daily grind of parenting and pancreas-ing.
    Dont worry abt 'anonymous' and their criticisms. Im a mother to a diabetic toddler who was dx at 8months old (see bittersweetdiabetes.blogspot.com). Its totally immersion isnt it to care for them.

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  8. Don't pay attention to anyone who hides behind an anonymous comment. That shit pisses me off! You looked damn hot girl!!!

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