I spent all day today basking in the sun at a pool overlooking the beach and boardwalk at my dad's house. It was so nice. Just beautiful and peaceful. I started the new Lisa Scottoline book and just relaxed. I slept like a baby last night too. I was up every two hours with Lilyboo and unexplainable high numbers the night before so I was exhausted. Purely exhausted. I slept until almost 10 AM. I can't even tell you the last time I did that!
I was thinking a lot today about this blog. I was thinking that so much of the judgment and opinions I have experienced have come from my decision to be so public with my personal life. I have said in the past that I would stop writing about Matt, etc. The thing is, I get so many emails and so much support from people that read this that it made me want to write more. I guess I am learning the hard way that I shouldn't put so much out there if I don't want the backlash. You know what though? I am happy. I am at peace. I feel better than I ever have and that is HARD not to share. So I choose to share it and deal with other people's unhappiness because of it. I don't get how my love life has anything to do with others but oh well.
Here's the thing though...I feel like I am going through such a transition in my life. I am finding myself all over again. I have worked very hard in my short life to be a very positive and uplifting person. I have learned so much not only from being a mother but from being a mother of a type 1 diabetic. No one but my fellow D moms know what that takes out of you. No one really understands how lost you get in the shuffle of everyday life. The first few years of diagnosis, you are immersed in diabetes. I lost who I was very quickly in my marriage as well. So, although some people thought I was nuts for posting "The Session" and adding those pics...I felt it was so important to tell people how that made me feel to have those pictures taken...how special that made me feel...how I felt like a woman again and not a mother or pancreas. You don't realize how important that is to your psyche...your well being...until you are reminded.
This has been a time of discovery for me. I feel like people NEED to hear that life is good...that even when you are faced with really tough life happenings, it is still good. You can still CHOOSE to be a happy, honest, optimistic person. You do not have to become a depressed and miserable person. You can wake up every single day, whether your world is falling apart or not, and stare at your beautiful children and know in your heart that you are the luckiest person in the world...financial problems or not...marital problems or not...diabetes or not. I like to hold my head high and if I can help one other person who is going through similar things feel better and want to turn their world around...then I feel like I have made a difference somehow. I do not feel bad about what I choose to write. There is so much more to me and my relationships than this blog. I share my intimate thoughts but I don't share my every thought. And I am totally happy with who stares back at me from the mirror. That is such a blessing. I am happy with myself because I give my all to everything I do. I gave my all to my marriage. I give my all to my children. I have given my all to every friendship I have had...and that has failed miserably more times than not. I have given my all to my family as well and will continue to do so. I will not change who I am and I will back up every decision I have made.
I cannot tell you how thankful I am to those of you that have supported me through your kindness and words. It has been such an amazing thing to me in the hardest time of my life. This blog is my therapy and your support has restored my faith in people. I look forward to each and every day that I have with this life!!