LAID OFF...

Short post since I'm crabby pants today. I got swept up in the middle of lay offs. What does a girl do? Why, go to HEB to buy 32 rolls of toilet paper and a can of refried beans. Why? Who the heck knows. It was all I could manage to get in the cart since I wasn't really processing. Guess I'm having toilet paper encrusted beans for lunch. Good thing the kids are not here to indulge with me.

Seriously...God if you are listening...I get it...this is a test. Can it be over now, please. I think I deserved my A and now I am just getting pretty ticked off at the constant pestering. I will not be taken down and I will not fail...so do me a favor and get off my ass, ok? Are we good?

So, of course, as the parent of a type 1 the only thing I am seriously stressing over is the insurance. Lily was on my plan. Cobra? Sure...for a price of $1600 a month! No problem...good thing I planted that money tree last week. Must remember to water it tonight. WTF?

I can only muster up sarcasm today so I am going to eat my toilet paper bean thingy and drink a beer. Have a good weekend.

The Storm...

I have such a hard time verbalizing my feelings. I have had a hard time lately formulating a thought, much less a sentence trying to explain the wandering thought....

I wrote a blog a while back on why I don't talk much about diabetes and how it makes me feel...more importantly, how it made me feel when Lily was diagnosed. I still think about this. A lot. I never mourned the loss of a healthy child. I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow it because it is too much to bear. Something inside me, from day one, felt like I was giving in to the diabetes if I caved and cried. So, I sequestered my feelings. I put them somewhere very deep inside of me so that I couldn't be bothered with them. I had no time after all to "feel sorry for myself." I had the time to make life our version of perfect for my children. By doing so, a storm started brewing inside of me. I wasn't aware of it until recently when it started to gain strength and move in on my conscience.

I learned at a very young age how to push feelings back down where I thought they wouldn't creep back up. If it was too much for me to handle emotionally...I simply made it disappear. I defined this as strength...I was a strong person for not crying. I was a strong person for plowing forward and grabbing these demons by their horns. I never gave in to them.

I can remember Eric being horribly upset about Lily's diagnosis and me getting upset with him for being "negative." I did not want ANYONE in our house treating this as a bad thing and therefore, no one was allowed to be upset about it.

Now, here I am, a wreck. A total, nasty, bloody wreck. I can't stop the anger from creeping up that my child has this disease. I can't stop the tears every time I think about it. I can't discuss it with anyone because I still feel like it makes me weak to be giving in to these feelings. And...I feel like a burden. I feel like a whiner. A complainer. I feel like no one gives a shit anyway so why bother them with it? They don't get it. Everyone has an answer or a way to fix it.  Some of my family treats it like it's no big thing and they are too wrapped in their own lives to really even ask how I am doing. In fact...I can't even remember some of my family once asking me if I was okay. Not even in the beginning. It was a time to feel uncomfortable and not say much. That's how my family rolls.

I can remember wanting to open up and talk to my former, pre-divorce friends about it...and the evil one that was supposedly my best friend made comments to me like, "Oh, I'd love to have Lily spend the night but really I just don't feel like getting up at night to check her." So, there were many times that I had to come up with excuses when asked by Lily why she had never stayed there and everyone else had. I couldn't say because this woman is an uncaring, evil bitch. The lack of support and sympathy kept my lips pressed even more firmly. Not all were that way, one went out of her way to make Lily feel normal...had her over all the time. But I still never wanted to be a burden. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for us. I never wanted to get the looks, to know the thoughts, that people in general thought I was just complaining...being dramatic.

So, here I sit today, in my new house, meeting new friends, and watching them...watching them watch us since they didn't even know Lily was diabetic. We both feel a little uncomfortable, Lily and I, being in new territory again. And here I am with this storm brewing and spilling into my life...throwing all kinds of debris in the way of everyday living. You see, there is so much that I have chosen not to deal with and now it is all surfacing. And at the time that I am really needing support...I am afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be turned down. I don't want to hear that "here she goes again" attitude in voices of the people I love. I have already been a burden...so much so that I fear I have ruined some things. And I have so much pain going through me while I am trying to deal with all that has happened in the last decade of my life....I don't know what to do with it, how to approach it, how to treat it, how to make it go away, or how to keep the storm calm. And I am angry...I am angry that people I have tried to turn to are too self-involved to see that I need their help. I am angry that I am there for anyone at anytime...and I don't receive the same. I am angry and hurt that I have listened to hours and hours of others issues and mine seem so irrelevant, when in reality...what I have been through would send most people off of the cliff...giving into the storm. And I am downright pissed beyond belief that my baby has to carry this with her for her whole life. No break. Ever. Ever. Ever. No weekend away. Not even a break on her wedding day. She can't even have a normal pregnancy. Ever. I am angry that SHE will one day be up checking her blood sugars at night. I am angry that before a play date, she is very worried and always asks who is taking care of her. I get angry when I think about how much I took for granted prior to diabetes.

So, I feel I have no choice but to do deal with all of this on my own. I will not attempt to talk about any of it with anyone anymore. It is now off of my chest. I will deal with the losses in this life privately now that I have acknowledged that I am human....maybe now I can accept it. Who the hell knows. All I know is that I am alone in this fight to get my strength back. My weaknesses and my perfect storm have caused me to rock many boats that probably can't be fixed.

I was once such a strong, happy woman. Truly. And I will get there again. I will not be swept away by this storm.

The Yellow Ribbon...

As I sit here in Arizona, eating an egg sandwich and drinking some coffee...waiting for Matt to come back to me from work...I started reading emails again. This week has been so emotional. I can't even begin to tell you how emotional. I find myself typing through tears and my heart breaking for two families I have never met...it's strange to have something affect you so much that you weren't a part of.

On Tuesday morning, my schedule was thrown. It was Passover so Eric had the kids. I stopped by their new school to register them and was snapping photos off my phone of the bike racks. They have never lived somewhere that SO many kids go to the public school...and ride bikes there. I got back in my car and headed to work. As I reached the exit for the toll road there was a ton of traffic. This is NOT the norm for our burb. So, I started playing on my email. Low and behold there was a major accident with a fatality not 500 feet in front of me.

I am part of a yahoo group for people that live in our burb. There are over 1000  people on this group and they email about everything. So, I knew I could get my answers there as to which way to get to work...I am still finding the best routes from our new  part of town. As I kept reading, I found out that a child was killed. He was ejected from an SUV. This, of course, totally shook me up. I did a u-turn and drove to work.

As I checked email at work, more and more was discovered. The child was driving to school with his carpool and the mother driving lost control of the SUV when she was distracted by one of her children choking. All of the kids were belted in but this boy, 7 years old, was somehow ejected from the car when it rolled multiple times. He died at the scene. The police are not sure if he unbuckled himself to help the choking child or if he slipped out or what. The other three children and their mother were unscathed.

So, I then found out that this child lives in my neighborhood. He has two sisters and a ton of friends. He is a member of a very popular church there. This community...minus a few ridiculously immature women who made this about themselves...really came together.

This little boy's funeral is today. On Good Friday. Of Easter weekend. His favorite color is yellow. So, this community of families has spent the last few hours lining the streets of all of Sienna, along the path from the funeral to the family's house, with yellow ribbons. All of the neighbors are standing along this path in yellow clothing....to show their support to this family that is grieving...and to the family whose mother was driving. So when they drive home from burying their little boy, they will be lined with his favorite color. It is a such a small thing in such a hard time but it will mean so much at some point.

And the fact that this community is rallying around the mother driving...and have forgiven her already for something that was obviously a huge accident and tragedy (minus the few women that have publicly acknowledged they could not forgive)...makes me so proud to be there. So proud.

So do as I did and hug your babies today and every day!!! Love your neighbors, love your friends, forgive easily and try to understand...no one has any place to judge someone until they have literally walked in their shoes.

An Abby Post...

Going back to work has been a pretty positive experience for me so far. There are times that I have guilt though. I feel guilty for not being a permanent fixture at the girls' school. I was up there for almost every party and made sure I was involved in planning just about every event. It was my "job." Now that I work full time, my role has shifted somewhat.

I signed up to do one party in each of the girls classes this year. For Abby, it was an Easter party. So, I got an email from the room parent that I need to bring tablecloths. To many, even me a year ago, this would seem like no big deal. Well, for me and the half brain that I have been functioning on for months...it was quite the task. Last night, around 9 PM, I tell my boyfriend, Matt, that I have to get up early in order to buy tablecloths. He reminds me of this several times before we hang up. At 6:45 AM, my phone rings...it's Matt reminded me to get my ass in gear so I can get the tablecloths. Mind you, I have known about this for a week but haven't had a chance to stop at a grocery store and get them. Literally...not a chance.

So, we haul ass all morning to get ready for school and work...we rush out of the door ON TIME and head to CVS. Wouldn't you know it? They are out of tablecloths. OF COURSE THEY ARE! We head across the street to HEB. Guess what? They are OUT OF TABLECLOTHS. I am literally dragging the girls around muttering curse words under my breath. I make an executive decision to screw the tablecloths. We arrive to school 20 minutes late. Again. Ugh.

After I drop them off I feel guilty for not having what I was assigned to so I stop at Kroger. Voila...they have them. I am now only 10 minutes late for work.

Once I get to work, I start working on trying to schedule appointments, answering emails, reading diabetes research and blogs...the usual. At 9:47, I look at the clock. I need to leave by 10:10 to get to the school on time. The party starts at 10:30. Abby was so excited to have me in class!

About five minutes later, the commotion starts outside. A young teenager had been put in handcuffs for threatening to hit his mom. As a result, the mom and dad are standing outside of my window screaming all sorts of obscenities at each other. Their toddler keeps dangerously close to the busy street. I am having multiple heart attacks at this point watching the little girl. What seemed like five minutes was MUCH longer and when I glanced at my screen, I saw the clock. 10:19. HOLY CRAP!

I RAN to my car. I called the room parent. I called the school. Matt called me. He had flown his first aircraft...something he has been working towards forever. I was SO happy for him. He asks what I'm doing and I launch into the whole tirade of my day. I keep saying that I feel like a failure. I can't even get frigging tablecloths to school. Ugh.

Lucky for me, when I finally pull into the school at 10:36, the entire school is on the lawn. FIRE DRILL! They hadn't started the party yet due to a fire drill. I was scrambling trying to get out of the car and get everything together. I ran to Abby's class in all of my frustration and threw the door open. There, right in front of me, is a sign that says, "Children need presence and not presents." Not one minute later, my beautiful, crazy, smiling little redhead jumps into my arms with excitement! "Mommy, you're here!"

Ahhhh. How I love these little messages I receive. I spent all morning fretting over silly tablecloths when all my baby wants is my presence. Stupid me. Silly me. What a waste of negative energy. We had a great party. Now I need to get off of here and pack to go see my love!! Yay!

The Blue Candle...

It breaks my heart to see a blue candle. I will never have a blue candle in my home again...it means so much more to me to see a blue candle than to those that it has no meaning. A blue candle for the DOC symbolizes the death of a person with type 1 diabetes. Every time I log on to my computer and I see profile pictures of blue candles, I lose too many breaths and my heart skips too many beats. Who has this disease claimed now? What family is grieving? What sibling is now an only child? What wife is now a widow? It is heartbreaking.

I don't post my blue candle for awareness. I don't post my blue candle to be morbid. I don't post my blue candle for any other reason than to show this family that has lost their loved one that I care. That their child, wife, husband, mother, sister..whatever this person was...meant something to me and I am here thinking and praying for them. It is frightening to think of the possibilities that diabetes has waiting around the corner at any given time. And it is devastating to think that someone has been lost.

It is much the same as the status updates that have to do with people losing a loved one to cancer. We might be a smaller bunch in our community but it is the same. Lives are claimed daily for all sorts of reasons. Whether it be a disease, a freak accident, or a war that is taking lives. It is all a mystery. It is life.

I have been thinking about these candles all week because more lives were lost. This is my reality because this is the fear in my life for my loved one being taken.

I don't want to fear for Lily's life. I want to praise her life. I want to wake every morning as I do thinking about how blessed I am to have the two most precious little gifts in my life. Every time they look at me, I melt. Every breath they take is reason to me that I am the luckiest woman alive. The sleepless nights, the worry, the constant chasing of numbers, etc. is nothing in comparison to the thought of my friends lighting a blue candle for me.

My little girl is diabetic. She needs insulin to live. She requires management in the form of a medical necessity. My little girl is the strongest person I know. She is the bravest person I know. She has all of the best qualities from her mommy and daddy all wrapped up in one little person...as does her little sister. She is the smartest and most giving person I know. She cares deeply for others. She just wants to be a kid. That's all...plain and simple. So I shield her from blue candles. I just teach her to take care of her disease and to treat it with respect and hopefully one day, she can take all that she has endured and make use of it but free of this damn disease!

A friend shared this and I love it:

I Wish by Heather Headley

I’d give you the moon but
you’d never know the warmth of the sunshine.
I’d give you the world but
exactly what would that do?
I’d promise you wings to fly,
but how would you ever learn to run?
So I wish you all you need,
to be more than I could be.
This is what I wish for you.

I wish you rainy days
so you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky.
I wish you falling leaves
so you’ll understand that seasons change.
And if I gave you the mountains, would you learn to climb?
I pray you’ll always see the forest through the trees.
And this is what I wish for you.
And this is what I wish for you.

If I could I’d say the word and chase your fears away.
And I’d stay right by your side and show the way that
you should take.
This your life.
This is your story.
And when all is done and said,
may you live with no regrets.

I wish you ocean breeze
and rivers that bring you everything you dream.
I wish that the air you breathe
is all that you will ever need.
And I wish you nights of love and days of joy and
shoulders when you cry,
And just enough hello's to get you through goodbye
And this is what I wish for you.

I pray one day you’ll have a home with arms that open wide,
And you’ll have someone who loves you, always by your side,
And if you lose your will to try, I wish you wings to fly.
I wish you wings to fly.

I wish you everything you need.

And this is what I wish for you,
And this is what I wish for you.

The Stairs...

We are all moved in...all is complete with the exception of a few things that need to be hung on walls and a bed skirt for my bed that needs to be made. Thank GOD!

I cleaned the house tonight like a crazy person and now, I am finally able to just relax some!!! I love how open the house is. I love that I have a ton of space to stretch out everywhere. Nothing is jam-packed. The one challenge I have found...the damn stairs. Waking up at 2 AM for BS checks is what it is anyway but to have to climb stairs is so not fun. It really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but at 2 AM...everything seems harder. Lily's numbers have been rather low as well the past couple of days so I will be doing lots of climbing tonight!! I plan to write a much longer blog about some things I have been thinking of but tonight...tonight I want a break. Tonight I want to just sit and relax and not think. I want to talk to say good night to my love without my mind going ninety miles an hour thinking about boxes. I will say that I am so happy to be here. I am excited for our new life!! The girls have been cruising the neighborhood each night too, checking things out. Our battery died half way around the block tonight and guess who pushed the jeep home? Yep...you guessed right. Ugh.

FINALLY...

There is some sense to this madness! Yay!!! I actually got to cook on my new, so super cool gas stove tonight! I hate cooking on electric. Hate it. And the stove I got has 4 burners and one long burner for grilling, etc. I am going to make fish on it tomorrow night! I am back on my health kick after a month of the most gross food ever.

The move went really well. We had a few setbacks...the truck broke that morning...we had to make two trips...etc. Who knew I had so much stuff? Good Lord! The girls are very excited to be living here. We have already made a few friends on our street.

The nicest part so far? I found out that a girl on our street, just a few houses down, is also diabetic. She is a little older than Lily but is also doing shots. Her mother is apparently also single so I am sure we can really help each other out if needed...once we meet.

So, things are moving right along. I am almost unpacked. The granite will be installed tomorrow. I have a fridge and pantry full of healthy eats. If it weren't for the invasion of wolf spiders, all would be pretty damn good!

This Mess...

Aaaaggghhh! My house. It is a half house right now. Tomorrow is moving day!!! This little family is beyond ourselves with excitement!! I am so looking forward to the new house, the new neighborhood, meeting new families...all of it. I am especially excited to start cooking again!! I even got new pots and pans. I love to cook and I love home-cooked meals so I am totally ready to get in my new kitchen...with my new appliances. It will be Heaven!

We woke up late this morning but I still wanted to get this out! I came in the kitchen to make waffles...no toaster or plates. I went to grab cereal, no bowls or spoons. Then, I realized I can't make lunch either. No knives or baggies or anything. I can't wash the dirty sheets in the washer since I packed the detergent last night. I need to dig that out at the very least. We are pretty much disabled for the next few days!

So, I will write again once I have Internet this Friday!! Have a good week everyone!