Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Storm...

I have such a hard time verbalizing my feelings. I have had a hard time lately formulating a thought, much less a sentence trying to explain the wandering thought....

I wrote a blog a while back on why I don't talk much about diabetes and how it makes me feel...more importantly, how it made me feel when Lily was diagnosed. I still think about this. A lot. I never mourned the loss of a healthy child. I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow it because it is too much to bear. Something inside me, from day one, felt like I was giving in to the diabetes if I caved and cried. So, I sequestered my feelings. I put them somewhere very deep inside of me so that I couldn't be bothered with them. I had no time after all to "feel sorry for myself." I had the time to make life our version of perfect for my children. By doing so, a storm started brewing inside of me. I wasn't aware of it until recently when it started to gain strength and move in on my conscience.

I learned at a very young age how to push feelings back down where I thought they wouldn't creep back up. If it was too much for me to handle emotionally...I simply made it disappear. I defined this as strength...I was a strong person for not crying. I was a strong person for plowing forward and grabbing these demons by their horns. I never gave in to them.

I can remember Eric being horribly upset about Lily's diagnosis and me getting upset with him for being "negative." I did not want ANYONE in our house treating this as a bad thing and therefore, no one was allowed to be upset about it.

Now, here I am, a wreck. A total, nasty, bloody wreck. I can't stop the anger from creeping up that my child has this disease. I can't stop the tears every time I think about it. I can't discuss it with anyone because I still feel like it makes me weak to be giving in to these feelings. And...I feel like a burden. I feel like a whiner. A complainer. I feel like no one gives a shit anyway so why bother them with it? They don't get it. Everyone has an answer or a way to fix it.  Some of my family treats it like it's no big thing and they are too wrapped in their own lives to really even ask how I am doing. In fact...I can't even remember some of my family once asking me if I was okay. Not even in the beginning. It was a time to feel uncomfortable and not say much. That's how my family rolls.

I can remember wanting to open up and talk to my former, pre-divorce friends about it...and the evil one that was supposedly my best friend made comments to me like, "Oh, I'd love to have Lily spend the night but really I just don't feel like getting up at night to check her." So, there were many times that I had to come up with excuses when asked by Lily why she had never stayed there and everyone else had. I couldn't say because this woman is an uncaring, evil bitch. The lack of support and sympathy kept my lips pressed even more firmly. Not all were that way, one went out of her way to make Lily feel normal...had her over all the time. But I still never wanted to be a burden. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for us. I never wanted to get the looks, to know the thoughts, that people in general thought I was just complaining...being dramatic.

So, here I sit today, in my new house, meeting new friends, and watching them...watching them watch us since they didn't even know Lily was diabetic. We both feel a little uncomfortable, Lily and I, being in new territory again. And here I am with this storm brewing and spilling into my life...throwing all kinds of debris in the way of everyday living. You see, there is so much that I have chosen not to deal with and now it is all surfacing. And at the time that I am really needing support...I am afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be turned down. I don't want to hear that "here she goes again" attitude in voices of the people I love. I have already been a much so that I fear I have ruined some things. And I have so much pain going through me while I am trying to deal with all that has happened in the last decade of my life....I don't know what to do with it, how to approach it, how to treat it, how to make it go away, or how to keep the storm calm. And I am angry...I am angry that people I have tried to turn to are too self-involved to see that I need their help. I am angry that I am there for anyone at anytime...and I don't receive the same. I am angry and hurt that I have listened to hours and hours of others issues and mine seem so irrelevant, when in reality...what I have been through would send most people off of the into the storm. And I am downright pissed beyond belief that my baby has to carry this with her for her whole life. No break. Ever. Ever. Ever. No weekend away. Not even a break on her wedding day. She can't even have a normal pregnancy. Ever. I am angry that SHE will one day be up checking her blood sugars at night. I am angry that before a play date, she is very worried and always asks who is taking care of her. I get angry when I think about how much I took for granted prior to diabetes.

So, I feel I have no choice but to do deal with all of this on my own. I will not attempt to talk about any of it with anyone anymore. It is now off of my chest. I will deal with the losses in this life privately now that I have acknowledged that I am human....maybe now I can accept it. Who the hell knows. All I know is that I am alone in this fight to get my strength back. My weaknesses and my perfect storm have caused me to rock many boats that probably can't be fixed.

I was once such a strong, happy woman. Truly. And I will get there again. I will not be swept away by this storm.


  1. Kimberly...first off, I hear you. Please feel free to vent away on here. It is important to get these feelings out. I think what you described above is one of the many reasons I started my blog. I was hurting and I was frustrated that so many people in my "real" life didn't get it. So, BB was started to "educate" any of my friends willing to read....and it has helped. My sister just said a week ago, that she thought she got it ... but then realized she didn't get it until reading my blog. I am fortunate to be surrounded by many who will care enough to take the time to read. UGH. I am not sure if your situation is even that. It sounds like the people in your life would not even take the time to do that.

    Once again...after Hallie's incident with Sweets and the recent deaths and the bullshit on the platter that we are forced to deal with daily...INSULIN IS NOT A CURE...far, far from it.

    Love to you friend.

  2. Also, I want to add...that I think that the grief of this diagnosis can come and go depending on the person and what is going on in their life. I had a dickens of a time the first year and a it comes and goes. For the most part I am fine...but sometimes I still get pissed. I am just adding this so you know you are not alone. xoxo

  3. Thanks Reyna! It's not everyone in my life for sure. I have some wonderful friends and family to lean on but I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this shit...I know y'all get it though.

  4. You are definitely not alone. And I think your experiences with family and friends are common. No one who does not live this life can possibly imagine, though there are some who will empathize. Denial is the first stage of the grieving process, anger another stage. It is normal to feel this way and actually a good thing that you can now get in touch with your feelings. Maybe you can turn to your ex-husband regarding this, as you mentioned he did grieve. He may be one of the only ones who can understand this; hope one day you can depend on him; she is his child also. If you do not have a family member to turn to, you are going to need a backup like a babysitter, etc. you can train, because at some point you may need backup... not even thinking emotionally, just physical, hands-on help. You can always turn to a therapist for emotional help; in fact, I think a therapist would be more helpful in this regard. Your on-line peeps understand; but you are going to need to have people you can call to watch Lilly, if need be. And maybe give you a few hours off for you time.

  5. Thanks for the kind words whoever you are! :) I am seeing a therapist which is why I think I can finally let some of these feelings go after almost 4 years with diabetes in our lives. I have a wonderful boyfriend to turn to and a great best friend. I also have a sitter. It is the struggle with myself that is so hard. Eric is very involved with our lives but I prefer to deal with these emotions on my own.