I have such a hard time verbalizing my feelings. I have had a hard time lately formulating a thought, much less a sentence trying to explain the wandering thought....
I wrote a blog a while back on why I don't talk much about diabetes and how it makes me feel...more importantly, how it made me feel when Lily was diagnosed. I still think about this. A lot. I never mourned the loss of a healthy child. I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow it because it is too much to bear. Something inside me, from day one, felt like I was giving in to the diabetes if I caved and cried. So, I sequestered my feelings. I put them somewhere very deep inside of me so that I couldn't be bothered with them. I had no time after all to "feel sorry for myself." I had the time to make life our version of perfect for my children. By doing so, a storm started brewing inside of me. I wasn't aware of it until recently when it started to gain strength and move in on my conscience.
I learned at a very young age how to push feelings back down where I thought they wouldn't creep back up. If it was too much for me to handle emotionally...I simply made it disappear. I defined this as strength...I was a strong person for not crying. I was a strong person for plowing forward and grabbing these demons by their horns. I never gave in to them.
I can remember Eric being horribly upset about Lily's diagnosis and me getting upset with him for being "negative." I did not want ANYONE in our house treating this as a bad thing and therefore, no one was allowed to be upset about it.
Now, here I am, a wreck. A total, nasty, bloody wreck. I can't stop the anger from creeping up that my child has this disease. I can't stop the tears every time I think about it. I can't discuss it with anyone because I still feel like it makes me weak to be giving in to these feelings. And...I feel like a burden. I feel like a whiner. A complainer. I feel like no one gives a shit anyway so why bother them with it? They don't get it. Everyone has an answer or a way to fix it. Some of my family treats it like it's no big thing and they are too wrapped in their own lives to really even ask how I am doing. In fact...I can't even remember some of my family once asking me if I was okay. Not even in the beginning. It was a time to feel uncomfortable and not say much. That's how my family rolls.
I can remember wanting to open up and talk to my former, pre-divorce friends about it...and the evil one that was supposedly my best friend made comments to me like, "Oh, I'd love to have Lily spend the night but really I just don't feel like getting up at night to check her." So, there were many times that I had to come up with excuses when asked by Lily why she had never stayed there and everyone else had. I couldn't say because this woman is an uncaring, evil bitch. The lack of support and sympathy kept my lips pressed even more firmly. Not all were that way, one went out of her way to make Lily feel normal...had her over all the time. But I still never wanted to be a burden. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for us. I never wanted to get the looks, to know the thoughts, that people in general thought I was just complaining...being dramatic.
So, here I sit today, in my new house, meeting new friends, and watching them...watching them watch us since they didn't even know Lily was diabetic. We both feel a little uncomfortable, Lily and I, being in new territory again. And here I am with this storm brewing and spilling into my life...throwing all kinds of debris in the way of everyday living. You see, there is so much that I have chosen not to deal with and now it is all surfacing. And at the time that I am really needing support...I am afraid to ask for it because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be turned down. I don't want to hear that "here she goes again" attitude in voices of the people I love. I have already been a burden...so much so that I fear I have ruined some things. And I have so much pain going through me while I am trying to deal with all that has happened in the last decade of my life....I don't know what to do with it, how to approach it, how to treat it, how to make it go away, or how to keep the storm calm. And I am angry...I am angry that people I have tried to turn to are too self-involved to see that I need their help. I am angry that I am there for anyone at anytime...and I don't receive the same. I am angry and hurt that I have listened to hours and hours of others issues and mine seem so irrelevant, when in reality...what I have been through would send most people off of the cliff...giving into the storm. And I am downright pissed beyond belief that my baby has to carry this with her for her whole life. No break. Ever. Ever. Ever. No weekend away. Not even a break on her wedding day. She can't even have a normal pregnancy. Ever. I am angry that SHE will one day be up checking her blood sugars at night. I am angry that before a play date, she is very worried and always asks who is taking care of her. I get angry when I think about how much I took for granted prior to diabetes.
So, I feel I have no choice but to do deal with all of this on my own. I will not attempt to talk about any of it with anyone anymore. It is now off of my chest. I will deal with the losses in this life privately now that I have acknowledged that I am human....maybe now I can accept it. Who the hell knows. All I know is that I am alone in this fight to get my strength back. My weaknesses and my perfect storm have caused me to rock many boats that probably can't be fixed.
I was once such a strong, happy woman. Truly. And I will get there again. I will not be swept away by this storm.