There has been a word I use repeatedly in my blog...judgmental. This is big for me. Huge. I do not, and will never, understand why people feel the need to judge others actions. I have several people that are close to me that really think they are not opinionated and pass no judgement when in reality, these are the people that are the most opinionated and pass the MOST judgement.
Let me explain my version of judgement. I am not talking about seeing someone in a hideous outfit and making a comment. I think this is something that everyone does. It's human nature. I am talking about looking at decisions that someone you love makes that they feel are good for them, and that you feel are not so you pass judgement. Hardcore judgement. It is wrong. Period.
I have learned a lot in the last few years of my life, from diagnoses of diabetes in my child to this very morning. No one ever knows the full story. No one is privy to all of the facts and information in every relationship and situation. Most importantly, and it has taken some therapy to get this one and is a work in progress, no one knows what is best for you but YOU. My therapist told me last week that I have had some very toxic people in my life...some very negative, unhappy people that will never fully be happy for me. Therefore, I need to stop seeking advice and looking for approval from them because I will not get what I am aiming for...which is acceptance and understanding. What I consider to be unconditional love. A love that is trusting that you know what is good for you and what is not. I have too much faith in people understanding that when you are angry, you never give the full side of a story. That when you are upset, you vent. So, I made my bed and I will continue to lie in it...but I will do so very quietly.
The one thing that I keep thinking about this morning is how happy I am inside. That's a very strange thing given what is going on in my life right now with work. But I am truly happy. And it is apparently noticed.
I spent Friday primping. I had my usual hair appointment that costs me a damn fortune but I love the lady who cuts my hair so I continue to go...and then I had my wax appointment...same deal. The lady who waxes me has become a friend of sorts. I just love her. I love how chaotic she is and I love that even though her life is a constant mess, she is still just a loving, carefree, sweet, nonjudgmental person. We get pretty cozy during that hour and I've been going to her for over a year so we have definitely shared it all with each other. So, I am laying there and she is asking me what has been going on and I start diving into what has been on my mind with feeling so heavily judged and how upsetting it is that it is changing the way I perceive these relationships now that I have realized what they really are. She stops and looks at me and says, "honey, you are a genuinely happy person. It oozes out of you these days. You are strong and confident and have a good head on your shoulders. I love you coming in because I tell you all of my crazy shit and you just listen." She then started crying. My wax lady has had the roughest of years. She is such a good person. And she has no one believing in her. I am sure she has made tons of mistakes along the way but she tries...hard...to be a good person. And she accomplishes just that.
So, I am working on not forming a "committee" every time a decision is to be made concerning my personal life. I don't need that committee after all. No one knows what I need but me. How many times in your life do you think maybe you have missed out on an opportunity to do something you have really wanted to do because everyone around says it is not good? Do you feel like the people that are doing the heavy judging are really the unhappiest of people? I feel like these judgements are a reflection of their own unhappiness...and that makes me sad for them. Very sad.
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