Life in General...

Today feels like the longest day in the world. Camp Rainbow is over...the girls are with their daddy...and I am sitting in the airport waiting for my plane to leave. I feel like it's Christmas and I am waiting for Santa Claus. I haven't seen Matt since Memorial Day and this particular stretch between visits has felt so long for both of us!

I am feeling very fulfilled. I have a job that I am loving. Lily is back to herself. She is wanting a pump again. Abby seems to be blossoming and growing just a little more each day. They seem to have adjusted very well after my divorce. We are finally settled in our home. I have faced some issues that have been dead weight in my life for years...life is good. In fact, it is great.

I always try to have a very positive outlook. I think it is the best thing one can do. When life gets me down, I have learned to allow myself the feelings I am having and to move on. I used to deny those feelings until they manifested into something very large and unbearable to carry around on my little shoulders.

I have learned who my real friends are and most importantly, that I am to choose my friends and not let them choose me. If I meet someone these days that I don't get a good vibe from, I put the brakes on. I have surrounded myself with very positive women that are not afraid to be who they are and don't feel the need to think poorly of others. They just live life and do everything they can to be happy and successful. I have an 1/8th of the friends that I had a year ago but they are 8 times better for me and they have bettered my life. Love you girls!

So, I sit here in the airport waiting and waiting to see my love. The man that has forever changed me. The man that showed me what love is. The man that sends shivers up my spine at the mere thought of him holding my hand. The absolute best friend I have ever had. So, I wait...as patiently as I can. My fireworks will be starting this afternoon when my plane lands! Have a good Fourth everyone!

And this is Matt...

Ping!

I picked Lily up from camp yesterday and she was all giggles as usual after a day of Camp Rainbow. We went straight to the movie theater to meet our friends and see "Cars 2." Sidenote: hated it, very violent and I don't like cars anyway....give me a princess and I'll do fine but cars...eh...fell asleep.

Anyway, after the movie, Lilyboo waltzed right on up to me and didn't ask but DEMANDED that I get her an Animas Ping for a week so she can try it out. She wants a Tallygear belt to go with it...with Ariel on it. And a pink pump. Okay...this child...she went from total tomboy and only wearing boys t shirts for a YEAR LONG PHASE and hating pumps to buying pink fedoras, wearing light up sparkly shoes,  playing with babydolls again, and wanting a pink pump. This, by the way, is the Lily I gave birth to. The other Lily (the tomboy) was a new version of that child. She's baaaccckkk!

There is really something to be said for letting your child figure things out on his/her own. I easily could have forced her to wear dresses and to stay on the pump. I was advised by multiple therapists to let her be her own person and find her own way. I was told to support who she is. I was told that this disease is a life time for her and if she needs a break from the pump, give it to her. So, I reluctantly did all of this and the results have been amazing. Let me make something VERY clear...the results are not amazing because she is now doing what I wanted. The results are amazing because my little girl is happy...and well-adjusted...and confident in her own decisions. That is priceless, a truly priceless lesson in life. She is making sound decisions based on her needs. She came to these conclusions of who she wants to be on her own....and got there through love and guidance. Wow. That's just huge to me. I want my children to be strong and independent thinkers. I don't want to have someone make decisions for them their entire lives. I don't want them to rely on mommy and daddy for everything, emotionally and financially. I want them to be self-sufficient contributing women to society. I want them to be bold and brave in their decisions. This is so very important to me.

Now, I must say that diabetes camp can take the credit for the sudden interest in the Ping again. The majority of the kiddos are wearing a pump and Lily doesn't want the Omnipod again. She is actually wearing an infusion site today at camp with the tubing dangling and attached to nothing. She would not take it off this morning. She looks at it and says "Cool." I woke up this morning and she said, "Mommy, I'm super sick." I ran around the corner and she had the tube shoved up her nose like a breathing tube. Oy vey! This child...

Camp, Camp, and more Camp...

Here we are at Camp Rainbow again! This is just one of the best weeks of the year for us Coan girls! The girls were so friggin excited driving up here. We spent all day Sunday cleaning house, doing laundry, packing, playing with the dogs since they'd be with the doggy nanny for over a week (I go to AZ right after camp). When it was finally time to go...you could hear squealing a block away. We loaded up the Tiguan and off we went for a loooonnnng 60 minute drive. :) Every five minutes, literally, was "are we almost there mommy?" I don't know HOW Eric and Byrony drove them for 8 hours....

We got checked in and immediately hit the pool followed by Mexican food. The whole crew went and it was a lot of kids. All are diabetic or the sibling of one so meters were everywhere, syringes, pumps, insulin, etc. All laid out on the table. Kids were checking Dex, pumps, etc. No one is in the minority here. They all have or live with diabetes every day of their lives. They all have a very special connection. They all have known each other for some time now and look so forward to seeing each other. And so do we...the pancreas managers, i.e...the moms.

We had margaritas and laughed and shared stories. We talk about diabetes and things that have nothing to do with it. But we can all understand each other's lingo. When we all go downstairs for coffee in the morning, a silent nod is all that is needed. We were all up several times that night. None of us slept. We all have that crystalized look first thing. There is no need to explain why we are having trouble finishing a sentence. Why our asses are dragging. Once we get to our spot (Denny's) coffee has been poured, last night's stories come out. Dex was off giving ???, the Mexican food caused major highs, one was 35, one of the moms was high, etc. There is such a special bond through a much-needed understanding of what we do daily. What our kids do. How this camp makes them feel. It is a time for advice, for sharing, for compassion, for friendship. For our kids and for us.

I don't know what I would do without these women in my life. Seriously.

Feeling Fulfilled...

Short post. I am so tired. I had my first day at work today! It was amazing. I am going to be so busy and loving every minute of it. This company is going to actually utilize me....imagine that. They have my next month planned out already for me. Hour by hour. LOVE IT! And I am using every aspect of my expertise. Oh how I have missed thinking like an adult for more than an hour or so.

There is something to be said about going to bed at night feeling completely fulfilled. I am oozing happiness. My girls are happy, I am working again at something I used to love and am sure I will love again, very happy in our little suburb...so happy in love, so very, very happy.

The only downside of today was having to explain to my CEO and COO why I am sitting in meetings glued to my phone and might have to potentially answer a text. They both know Lily has diabetes and are fine with that but it's still unnerving. I explained that today was the first day with the new sitter so I was a bit on edge. They completely understood. I need to come up with a good plan for D though because I can't be in the middle of an interview and answer a text. Gotta figure this out...always a new angle.

So, I am putting this wonderful day to rest and doing it all over again tomorrow. Now hopefully Lily's numbers will cooperate tonight after a long day of camp and swimming twice. I want to get up and run again before work so I need sleep...PLEASE D...cooperate!

My new job....

I am so excited to say I got a new job!! I start next Tuesday and I am going back to my roots as far as career moves go. I will be doing all of the recruiting for a pediatric clinic that specializes in home health nursing and outpatient rehab for children with special needs. They have several locations now and are expanding to open three more! The owners and staff are so passionate about helping these kids and what they do...it is exactly what I have been looking for and I can't wait to get started!

I find so much pleasure in going to bed at night feeling like you accomplished something that day...made a difference somehow in the world. I am really looking forward to this challenge. Of course, with the challenge comes the guilt of working REAL full time hours and not being at the girls side when they are not at camp or school. They were pretty upset about this until they realized it was only two hours. Now if only I could get over it! :)

The Summer...

Camp season is upon us. The girls start camp on Monday and go for three weeks at one "regular" camp and one week of Camp Rainbow, an ADA camp. Oh how I love Camp Rainbow...other than the mounds of paperwork that come along with going to this camp...there is no worry for me. The entire camp is for diabetics and their siblings. The girls absolutely LOVE it. I feel totally comfortable leaving them there for the day. Doctors and nurses are on hand and counselors are all diabetic or a sibling of a diabetic. In a nutshell...they know what to do.

Our little Camp Rainbow crew 2010

So, yesterday, I met with the "regular" camp director to train her. This is the first time I have had to train a camp personnel with MDI (multiple daily injections). We decided it was in the best interest for everyone to use the pen while Lily is at camp. I just don't feel comfortable trusting anyone with drawing insulin other than family or someone that is very familiar with the disease. Turns out this particular director is a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and insulin deficient. She is pretty familiar with diabetes...insert sigh of relief here.

It is so stressful to train these people. I never know where to begin. Do they need to know the entire background of diabetes and what is going on internally inside my baby? Or do they just need to know the basics...low is below #, high is above #, insulin when eating, feed her nothing other than what I give her, etc. I go with a mix of both. I explain that her pancreas is "broken," that she needs insulin every time she eats a carb, that she can only drink water while at camp....blah, blah, blah. I then go over the Glucagon shot. This always creates some fear from people that goes unspoken. I can see them tense up. I immediately explain that this is for emergency purposes only. Someone the other day said, "Oh, like break the glass in case of emergency situation?" EXACTLY! Well said...

This is the first camp where they will be swimming. For an hour and a half. Ugh. Swimming used to make Lily very low but the past few weekends, she has not dropped a bit while swimming. So, just to be safe, I told the Camp Director that someone's eyes must stay on Lily the ENTIRE time she is in the water. She needs her own personal life guard while at the pool. She needs to be asked periodically how she feels and checked every 30 minutes while swimming. If she runs low, treat her, and she sits out for 15 minutes. I hate to be a stickler but she can't feel herself go low while swimming for some reason.

So...summer is here. Summer is fun-filled and action packed and we love it!!! However, the prep for summer with a type 1 kiddo is hard and tedious...but the smiles it brings to their little faces are worth every single second of the legwork!!!!!!

Our Favorite Things...

I have been meaning to write this post for some time but needed a week vacay in order to just enjoy life a bit...

In the spirit of Oprah's Farewell (which I haven't watched in years anyway but oh well), I have gathered a list of the DOC's 10 favorite diabetes things...in no particular order! Check them out...

1. Tigtagz bracelets

2. Tally Gear

3. Spibelts

4. Portable Salter Scale

5. Lauren's Hope Jewelry

6. Accucheck Multiclix Lancet Device

7. Head Lamp

8. Disney Planner, Robyn Adams

9. Skidaddle Bags

10. Sugarfree Jewellery

The Poison...

I have had poison around me for some time now. Trying to deal with past experiences and future goals is not easy. It is some of the hardest soul searching I have ever done. Trying to understand why feelings creep up and why some just stay on the surface is not easy either.

I have tried to live my life as a good person, always being honest and usually taking the high road. I have given so many people the benefit of the doubt in that they have my best interests at heart. I have been burned many, many times from this benefit that I give. I am learning though. I am learning to sniff out the poison before it consumes me. The sad thing is that this makes for a lonely existence.

Unfortunately, there is some that runs in my veins that is harder to flush out. This is the kind of poison that slowly destroys your heart. It is lethal...and ravenous. And I am trying to navigate my way through getting rid of this for good. I just wonder at whose expense...

I feel like I am wrapped by this snake and it is slowly suffocating the oxygen from me, crushing me at every little slither. I need to be released. So badly. I have laid my feelings on the table numerous times and they just lay there...untouched.

I have been consumed by so much this year and I stay positive. I keep breathing. I keep waking. I keep loving. I keep searching. I keep working at relationships with kids, family, friends, exes, etc. I keep checking blood sugars and giving insulin. And I will never stop doing all of the above because I simply can't. I have a life to live. I have children that depend on having their mother as a functioning, active person in their lives. I have to provide for them. And I need to be happy doing so.  I just need to acknowledge every now and then that it is hard and it threatens to destroy me constantly. This poison won't ever get the best of me. I am too strong. I am a loyal person and I will protect things I love with a fierceness like no other...and that includes myself.