Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Poison...

I have had poison around me for some time now. Trying to deal with past experiences and future goals is not easy. It is some of the hardest soul searching I have ever done. Trying to understand why feelings creep up and why some just stay on the surface is not easy either.

I have tried to live my life as a good person, always being honest and usually taking the high road. I have given so many people the benefit of the doubt in that they have my best interests at heart. I have been burned many, many times from this benefit that I give. I am learning though. I am learning to sniff out the poison before it consumes me. The sad thing is that this makes for a lonely existence.

Unfortunately, there is some that runs in my veins that is harder to flush out. This is the kind of poison that slowly destroys your heart. It is lethal...and ravenous. And I am trying to navigate my way through getting rid of this for good. I just wonder at whose expense...

I feel like I am wrapped by this snake and it is slowly suffocating the oxygen from me, crushing me at every little slither. I need to be released. So badly. I have laid my feelings on the table numerous times and they just lay there...untouched.

I have been consumed by so much this year and I stay positive. I keep breathing. I keep waking. I keep loving. I keep searching. I keep working at relationships with kids, family, friends, exes, etc. I keep checking blood sugars and giving insulin. And I will never stop doing all of the above because I simply can't. I have a life to live. I have children that depend on having their mother as a functioning, active person in their lives. I have to provide for them. And I need to be happy doing so.  I just need to acknowledge every now and then that it is hard and it threatens to destroy me constantly. This poison won't ever get the best of me. I am too strong. I am a loyal person and I will protect things I love with a fierceness like no other...and that includes myself.

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