In exactly 43 minutes, it will be Lily's anniversary with diabetes. She was actually hospitalized four years ago today but wasn't given the official diagnoses until October 7th. Some years, this day floats by without a hitch. This year, I sit here in tears, in the dark, in my den. My almost 8 year old is asleep in the room next to me...in my bed. Again. I miscalculated her carbs at lunch and she was high at dinner. So now, I am worried about her numbers overnight and that she might go low. So, I put her in my bed so I can hear her sweet breaths throughout the night. This disease is exhausting. It is all consuming. And it never stops. Ever.
We got home from dinner tonight and Lily was so excited to show me an invitation her new friend at school gave her. She is turning eight next Saturday and invited Lily to a sleepover party. My heart sank. Part of me says to let her go and have fun and be a kid...the other part thinks she is too young, I don't know the parents or the child, and can I keep her safe? So, I am at a crossroads here. My gut is to let her do this and let her be a little girl like the rest of her class. I won't sleep a wink that night and that is okay...but will she be okay? I am pretty sure I will feel this way the entire time she is out from under my roof throughout her life. That in itself is a lot to deal with.
So, I find myself in this dark place every now and again. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I need a good cry and a strong shoulder to lean on. I just need for those around me to understand and to "get it." Life is not all perfect for anyone, diabetes or not. I usually work my ass off to stay positive about our life...it is a great life after all. But guess what? Sometimes diabetes gets the best of me. Sometimes I look at Lily and I just want to literally scoop this disease out of her...and beat the shit out of it. Sometimes I look at her and I think of all of the hurdles she is going to have to face and I want to shield her from it. And I can't. It's life. It's her beautiful, wonderful, imperfect life. The fact that SHE has to live with this forever is what makes me cry. I was staring at her at dinner in amazement at how big she is getting and how smart she is. How beautiful she is. How responsible and mature and loving and sweet. I was playing with her little hand and the tips of her fingers are covered by little holes where I pierce her skin ten times a day. And the severity that I am keeping her alive hits me. And the tears start.
So, we celebrated living a healthy life in spite of diabetes today. I kept it together all day. I was in the shittiest of moods and I didn't know why. I get it now. It hits me sometimes. Plain and simple. It hit me today. It's been four years. Four years of kicking ass and living well. And we will do it again tonight and tomorrow and every day after. I just needed a break to let the emotions flow...
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