Jenga...

Stay calm...

Breathe...

Each piece of my life right now feels like a piece of a Jenga game. Each emotion, feeling, event, and purpose are a delicate balance holding me together. Some people hold these pieces, and others I hold myself. With each turn, a new piece is ripped out and I may possibly come crashing down. The comfort comes from knowing I can be rebuilt.

You are strong...

You have done this before...

Nothing softened that blow. Who am I kidding? Tiny fingers on a tiny hand. A hand I hold everywhere right now unless I hear "I'm a big boy." Tiny little fingers that are being pricked five times a day right now and will be doubled in the next few months. For his entire life. It feels wrong to be doing this to him. He's so little. It keeps him alive and I have no choice. More pieces taken from me that leave me wobbly and weak.

It is what it is...

We move on...

Sadness, fear, blame, guilt, anger. These are all emotions for me that come with this. I will not sweep them under the rug and pretend they aren't there. I did that the first time. I can't do it to myself again. My kids need a whole person to lead them through life and not the shell I had become before. I am okay. I always get through. I always survive. What choice do we have really? They need us. They look to us for guidance on how to handle something of this magnitude. And Abby...where will she fit in all of this? The worry doesn't subside when you are a mommy.

You are not alone...

Ask for help...

This has never been easy for me. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and it will break me eventually. It will be the last piece. I know this.

I am a delicate stack of emotions right now. I will fall down piece by piece and I will build myself back up, piece by piece. My heart hurts for my children but I know from Lily what diabetes has given her...strength, perseverance, empathy, understanding, responsibility...the list goes on and on. I hope Henry finds the same things through how we handle this.

Another Day, Another Disease...

Life is short.

Live life to the fullest.

Be thankful.

Live a life of gratitude.

I get it...

Sometimes though, life sucks. Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that no matter how hard you try, you can't find that silver lining right away. Sometimes you need to have a shitty day and roll with it without trying to shove daisies up your butt so you can bleed unicorns. That's today. And yesterday. And two weekends ago.

I can't protect my daughter from her body attacking itself. That's some serious shit. That's not losing a soccer game or missing a workout. That's not having big enough boobs or the right outfit to wear on a date. That's not needing a date night at all. That's a life...the life of my child.

I look at her and I want to scream. And cry. And pray. And smile. There are so many mixed emotions that come with a child with a disease...or three. I'm proud. I'm scared. I'm thankful she's here. I'm worried she won't be forever. I'm so in love with her that my heart can hardly take it. Sometimes I literally gasp for air when I think of her, or feel her skin, or listen to her voice. I feel like everything is on borrowed time.

I have not been in this place in exactly two years...since the last diagnoses. I do a very good job of not letting Diabetes or Celiac get us down. When I told Lily last night that she probably has another autoimmune disease, she said "It's okay. I'm used to getting things." Then she wanted to know when we were getting her new cleats. That was it. No big deal for her. I wanted to cry. And smile. And I was proud of her strength. I was ashamed of my inability to handle this well.

"It's just a pill, mommy."

"I know baby. I just want to know you are okay with it all."

"Of course I am."

She is so brave. So strong. So stable. So secure. So beautiful.

Lily has Hashimoto's now too. Thyroid. It was expected since these three go together regularly but it was still a blow to me. It was a blow because as her mommy, I worry about  her future and what other autoimmune diseases may be lurking in her shadows. I can't protect her from herself. It's frightening and it makes me feel helpless.

Today is not a day I am jumping up and down with delight just to be able to breathe. And that is OKAY. Life is NOT always roses and glitter. I am tired of making myself feel bad for having feelings and emotions...I am made of many layers and they come with many different feelings. They should be embraced. Tomorrow I will go back to my mantra that life is grand but today...today I will just be angry.

Words and Imperfections...

The last year has been a time of healing for me. I have slowly been peeling bandages that have held me together for far too many years...all for the sole purpose of healing wounds that have remained open for too long. Wounds that I tried to cover swiftly and without thought to the scars they would leave behind.

I started down this road last summer...stumbling down the path in hopes of finding some inner peace. I started reading some books on love and spirituality. I read books on forgiveness and healing. I read books on accepting your imperfections and learning to live a life of gratitude. I researched. I studied. For me, I find this peace and way of coping through words. It's how I learn. I use words to heal and comfort myself as well. It's my therapy.

Through this process I have peeled back these bandages and left my core open and raw. Things affect me differently. I have strong emotions and reactions. I am vulnerable. I can no longer find that woman that held everything together...all the time. I can no longer find the woman that cares to. 

I am imperfect. I have huge flaws. I cry at almost anything nowadays. My soul has been touched. I have found that piece of me that I haven't seen in so many years...the one that can hurt...and love...and be afraid...and not be so PERFECT. I have ventured out of my perfectly wrapped self and opened my soul up a little bit. Just enough to be scared to death to be exposed but to feel so full of life. 

I find myself gazing at my husband by my side and being so overcome with gratitude and affection for him being here...with all of his imperfections. I often find myself on the brink of tears just watching my girls do homework or Henry play with his little letters. It's such an amazing feeling to feel so much love in my heart. I feel like the world is so fragile and I need to capture every moment. I feel like I am finally finding some peace from the chatter in my head. 

Words are powerful. Once they are released, they can't be taken back. Remember that when you are trying to communicate with people. It's what IS the chatter that can just as easily break us as it does make us. Somewhere along the way, I took very hurtful words and turned them into who I thought I was. I am much more careful now in how I handle things...I have finally learned to take some time and think about how powerful my language can be. I choose love...and I will never again let someone have the power over me to doubt that.