Another life was lost this week. Another family woke up to the harsh reality that they will never hear their child laugh again. They will never walk her down the aisle or hold her hand in a delivery room. She was gorgeous, glowing, in the picture I saw of her. She was a person, I'm sure, with dreams of a future and many, many plans.
It gets harder and harder for me to talk about diabetes and I don't know what is going on with me. It gets harder and harder to write about it. I keep thinking I need a break but I think the realities of diabetes are just too much at times.
I hear people complain all the time. They complain about how hard their lives are...how much they have to handle around the house and how little time they have. I feel like screaming at them, "wake up and realize how lucky you are and quit bitching! You get to sleep at night without thinking your child might die!" I can't figure out if I am bitter or jealous or just fed up...or just really pissed at diabetes lately. I just don't know.
My life is amazing. My children are amazing. They are the biggest love I have ever known. They are so much bigger than life to me. It's indescribable how I feel when I touch them, smell them, hear them, watch them...they are angels. I have to catch my breath a lot when I just sit back and take them in...my girls. They are the most important thing in my world, without a doubt. You become somewhat selfless when you have a child. Everything shifts inside of you. It's awkward and beautiful and comforting and frightening all at the same time. The thought of losing one is just too much.
Because of that, I check her religiously at night. I monitor her numbers closely. If she is a certain number at 10 or 11, I am up at 1. If she is a certain number at 1, I am up at 3. If she is a certain number at 3, I am up at 5. I monitor how much insulin is working in her system and take into account how many carbs and the type of carbs she ate before bed. I think about what she did during the day...did she play hard and exercise a lot because that can cause a severe low at night, many hours later. Is it cold out? Her body works harder to heat itself up and that makes her lower. Do I need to do a temporary setting (basal) on her pump to ensure she stays a bit higher? Do I need to check her ketones if she is too high? And I am doing all of this thinking in the middle of the night so that my child will wake up in the morning.
Two nights ago, I awoke her at 2 AM to change what I thought was a bad site but it was just a miscalculation of carbs at dinner. But I woke her at 2 AM to shove a needle under her tummy while she cried. I then held her while she fell back asleep. I got up two hours later and two hours after that. Then, I was up at 5:30 AM to go to work.
It's grueling but it is my life. I am used to it. The alternative...DEATH...is just not an option so I do it without complaint. We all do...all of us D Moms and Dads (my ex does the same) out there, the Night Stalkers as I like to say.
I want people to know what goes on in the house of a family with a type 1 diabetic. I want you to know so that you can tell people and they will tell people and the word will spread and maybe, just maybe...a cure will come along in Lily's life. That's all I dream of...every second of every day.
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