Tuesday, May 12, 2020

The Shift...

It's been a minute. Or two.

This year was meant to be my year. I started strong. I landed my dream job with my dream team. Matt's business was picking up quite a bit. It was a new beginning after a rough year. I had taken steps after praying endlessly about the change we needed so much.

Then it all turned to shit, slowly but surely.

We had a loss. A devastating and surprising loss. It's the kind of loss that you can't reason with, can't understand...too painful to grieve but too painful not to. We lost our Paxie. I still can't believe it.

In February, we got the devastating news that she was diagnosed with ALS. Her own living hell basically consisted of being trapped in her own body. Her future was going to be full of wheelchairs, feeding tubes, breathing tubes-all the things she was terrified of. One of the last texts I received from her was "I am terrified."

She died a month after we found out. Her heart just stopped. She died during a global pandemic and her sons couldn't be by her side.

I loved her tremendously. Sometimes she drove me crazy because I was dead set on keeping boundaries. I have come to realize through so much of this that when I find someone that is a mother figure...when I start to feel love and trust, I tend to find reasons to pull away-oftentimes putting that blame on them. The details there are too much to share. When I think of Paxie, I think of Demi Moore in St. Elmo's Fire a lot.

She loved birds. She loved cardinals and believed they were people that had passed visiting. I do too. I hope she knew how loved she was. I hope she knows how much we miss her. I hope when the cardinals come to the birdhouse we hung in her honor, it's a piece of her.

She loved to decorate. She loved to craft and create beautiful pieces out of junk. She loved her husband, kids, and grandkids. She had plans. She told me through tears "I still have plans." She was unapologetic about who she was. I could tell her anything in the world and she would laugh or cry or bitch with me at the drop of a hat. I texted her all day with so many random thoughts and she always, always, always answered right away. I miss her like crazy. Daily. We are trying to navigate forward without her and it seems like too much.

The next waves came shortly after with another devastating diagnoses for our family, specifically my girls. This pandemic is NOT making that one any easier.

Then, I lost that dream job I mentioned. In one week I went from living the dream to living the nightmare. I will prevail. I always do because I don't know anything other than how to fight.

I keep feeling like we just get the heaviest of shit put on our laps-Matt calls it life. He's right. We have also been blessed beyond words with the love we have found in each other, the family we are raising, the friends we have been led to-growing in our faith together through it all. It may be time to take a bigger pause than this pandemic has provided, and figure out what I want from life. I am overwhelmed all the time trying to do it all. A breather may be needed. If I could learn to be still I think things will get easier. Being super type A isn't always easy. That's for sure!